Thursday, 6 September 2018

Day 9 -Tired and grumpy

Day 9. Had a big work conference that was too hot, too boring and full of too many egos. Came home ate dinner and went to bed without posting as I forgot.

Today is day 10 so hopefully all will go smoothly.


Wednesday, 5 September 2018

Day 8 - That's it

Day 8 is basically a repeat of day 7 but with a slightly longer dog walk to take up more time.



Tuesday, 4 September 2018

Day 7 - Toughest so far

Day 7 and today I had to put up a bit of a fight. Stressy day at work so the drinking thinking started about lunchtime.

By 5:00pm I had almost resigned myself to it going to happen but then I'm not sue if it was resistance, laziness or just staying in the present moment but I managed to get to 8:00pm, my golden hour when it's too late to start drinking.

At one point I had a thought about making a soft drink and putting it in the fridge so I could take it to bed so when I woke up at 3 or 4am with a dry mouth and gasping for fluid I would have something. That led me to thinking 'wow am I really preparing for the aftermath of a evening I feel sure will make me feel better? What part of the drinking is it I am looking forward to or so convinced I need to do to feel better or numb?'  I guess part of me played it to the end and it seemed a bit ridiculous. It felt a bit like laying out bandages and ointment ready for coming back from a walk you knew you would purposely throw yourself down on jagged stones so you could enjoy yourself. If that makes sense to anyone.

Long and the short if it is I didn't drink and that makes one whole week. All I can think about it though is please let me sleep well tonight, I am OH-SO-TIRED!

Sorry about not replying to comments, I still am lacking balance in the evening.


Monday, 3 September 2018

Day 6 - Resistance is NOT futile

Day 6

Today from about lunchtime I had fleeting cravings but not major. Passing thoughts that I'd like a drink and fantasising about the process of going and getting it BUT on a scale of 1-10 I reckon I was only about 4.  I needed to go to the shop and pick up some boxes but I had to head home instead as I don't trust myself to get there and have to resist. I am proud of myself as I took my purse on the dog walk but by the time I came to the end of the walk I had to head for home for safety sake.

Bloody hell, gonna have to get up early and go then as I am SUPER STRONG in the morning.

Work is a major trigger for me. I think I have become so used to hating it and dealing with such a crappy company that I haven't fully processed what a detrimental effect it has on my mental health. Oh yeah!!! For those of you who are unaware I work for a mental health company, how about that for irony.

So today I'll rate 4/10 on my crave scale and my tactic was sheer avoidance of the shop and therefore opportunity.


Sunday, 2 September 2018

Day 5- A good day

I've left it too late for a decent post but suffice to say,

1. I didn't drink.
2. I ate loads of fresh vegetables today and a stew.
3. I forced myself out for a third dog walk for both them and me.
4. It's the first Sunday in recent memory I haven't felt consumed with desperation to get alcohol before the store closes.
5. I felt calm and steady today and let the day just go where it would.
6. I feel ready for work tomorrow, not looking forward to it but ready.

That's all for tonight.


Saturday, 1 September 2018

10 days LATER! -Day 4

Welcome back to the most aptly named blog on the old interweb because here we are again Groundhog Day (not the official one of course, just the nightmare that is my drinking existence )

Day 4 achieved today - yay me!

As always I can't pinpoint the thought or feeling that catapulted me into drinking on day 4 just recently but if I were to hazard a guess it was fear of the foreverness of it all. Yes I know 'one day at a time' but my alcoholic brain knows I'm trying to trick it with the tried and tested one day at a time camouflage and like a horse confronted by a deadly rattlesnake, it rears up and send me galloping off to the shop for vodka with 'just one more night' whistling in the wind past my ears. at that moment I hand on heart do not honestly know if I genuinely believe it will be one last time or if I plunge so deep into denial that I know I'm lying to myself but refuse to allow that recognition to register.

Even though I drank on day 4 and the next 3 days, I didn't drink on the Sunday or Monday and up until about 3pm of the Tuesday I was feeling strong and positive. I MUST try and stop myself when I get suddenly seized by the 'fuck it, chuck it' mindset which is when I make a frantic dash before I have chance to stop myself. I know when I get that sudden sense of urgency there is very little I do to stop myself. That is the key moment and it is in that space that I need to slam on the brake not hit the accelerator, I'm just not sure how to do it or at least I am still in such early days AGAIN that the muscle isn't strong enough to win.

The further away from day one I get, the more I have to lose so the harder it is to just throw away on a fleeting craving. I think that's why so many of us struggle with the constant Days 1, 2, 3 because it's easy to throw away a few days with the promise to start fresh tomorrow or after the weekend. In my experience I have seemed to fair better stopping at the weekend rather than a Monday as by the time Friday rolls around its day 7 and a week is something to be proud of and not quite so easy to throw away.

These repetative sober attempts may be so boring for some of you who have reached a comfortable stage of not drinking, pretty well self assured you will never drink again. I remember feeling that way myself reading someone's blog wondering why they just couldn't stay stopped for more than a few days, totally forgetting that it had taken me umpteen times to get to one year sober. Maybe it's karma that came back at me for being so complacent and self assured in my permanence of sobriety and my slightly smug (oh the shame) satisfaction that I had made it to the promised land and could offer words of encouragement to struggling newbies glad that I had made it and didn't have to go through that again. I am my own stark reminder of how easily it is to slide down the greasy pole at fierce speed only to discover that in that complacent acceptance of assured sobriety I had let my sober muscles weaken, so much so that I couldn't get a grip on that slippery pole let alone haul myself up it. Today I exercised that muscle for the first time and stared down the wall of vodka at the end of the aisle while getting frozen fish out of the adjacent freezer.

I made it home on day 4, a Saturday at that, sober, safe and determined to get through the rest of the day. One small leap for man, one giant leap for soberkind!

Tuesday, 21 August 2018

Day 3 - craving reprieve

Not sure why and I won't even question it but had little craving tonight. My plan to have a Becks Blue didn't even come to pass, started a Swedish crime drama and next thing you know it was bedtime. Love Scandi dramas as you have to focus on the subtitles so leaves little room for 'drinking thinking'

I have seen some of my favourite sober pals comment and it's so good to see we are all still out there, albeit lurking rather than full on commenting. I include myself in that too.

Managed not to punch anyone in the face today - so that's good! I think rage may be part of my detox process and yesterday left my work colleagues wide eyed and slack mouthed with shock when I went into great detail about what I would do to a potential dog knapper (sadly they are down here again, this time with a cattle prod working in gangs of 3)

Tomorrow is dodgy day 4, the day when I usually feel suitable sober, refreshed, renewed and disbelieving it is as bad as I knew it was the last day I had a drink. Will pull all the stops out tomorrow night.

Ginger is off to sleep now and I wish you restful sober slumber too.

Nite nite