Saturday, 26 December 2015

Boxing Day -last day drinking

So the plan is today is my last day drinking. I have been worried that I would extend it to the 27th because that is a Sunday and why not start on a Monday, right? Having said that, there are two reasons why not,
1. I have been playing the "significant day" stopping i.e. Stopping on the 1st of the month or 15th of the month, Easter, my birthday, every Monday etc for way too long.
2. I feel DONE to be honest. I've been feeling more and more aware of how bad my drinking has become that it feel I do need to get this started.

After yesterday, Christmas Day I have woken up late but with no hangover and far from being delighted about that, I am a little terrified that I don't have one. Does this mean my liver is so screwed it hasn't processed the booze? My daughter asked me for a drink yesterday (she's nearly 18 and doesn't seem that bothered by alcohol) and all I had was my strong red wine. I gave it to her in a port glass and she took a few sips saying she wished it was sweet. Obviously me being a wine lover, I have developed my taste for various grapes over the years and I imagine a teen wants something sugary and alcopop like. We talked about it and I said how I drank too much and felt weird giving her alcohol but she said it was ok and she just wanted something for the dinner. I know she has only drunk a few times with her friends (she's a bit of a hermit and doesn't go out much) but doesn't like to go past a certain limit as she is very in control and hates being embarrassed. I think she has seen enough of her friends antics to know better - for now. Interestingly enough she does NOT think I have a problem and thankfully has never seen me drunk per se. She sees me when I am probably way over the limit but I have never liked to get wobbly drunk. I drink my wine of an evening and maybe a vodka but it is very steady and I just reach mellow and still relatively in control etc.  I find it strange that I think I have such a massive problem, well I do actually, and she doesn't think I have a big problem. Not sure if I am grateful that I have hidden it well or that she has seen me like that for so long she thinks that is how I am. Hmmm? Not going to dwell on that for now.

I also had a strenuous discussion with a friend who when I stated I had to give up "for real!!?," this time! argued that I didn't have a problem I nearly shouted that I am an alcoholic but explained calmly but very firmly that I do have a problem and that is effecting me daily and I cannot continue any more like this. Bless her, she did go on to explain that she will help me and asked what she could do to support me when I stop. I asked her to never, ever offer me a drink again. I know it is hard for her to understand because she was married to an alcoholic but he still do this day doesn't believe he has a problem. He's French and as my friend points out, he drinks like they do in France, she goes on to say that my drinking is what most French people do daily and over there I would be normal. I take no comfort from that because over the years and my trips to France I have often thought they drink too much ha ha, it's only now that I drink like the French (sorry for the huge generalisation folks) that I have realised I need to stop. And stay stopped!!

I am reading several other blogs at the moment and they are a combination of a. Stopped successfully and not looking back with rose tinted specs and b. Drinking and desperate to stop. I have been in both places, well I am in the latter right now. Last Christmas I spent the day with the aforementioned friend and her partner. I was stone cold sober and had been off booze for about 45 days. I felt great and not a thought of alcohol crossed my mind, they were drinking like fish and it didn't bother me at all. I was riding on the euphoric pink cloud and if you had asked me that day, I would have sworn up and down I would never have another drink again. After all when you feel that good and have so much fun sober why oh why would you think about drinking again. Anyway fast forward to this Christmas and it was a very different story. I had a very fat, bloated, biter day where I was gonna have my drink and enjoy it goddammit if it killed me ( which ironically it probably is) for all these reasons and more I feel done, ready, it's time. I worry a bit about the early days when I am white knuckling it but I hope to reach the elusive pink cloud stage again. Hopefully once I get to a certain stage I will have hindsight and can see the pitfalls ahead and realise the wine witch/Wolfie is never too far from the door..

Peace out for now

Ginger Groundhog

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