There is a natural resistance in the body to ward off excess, however it is not strong enough to deter sabotage. When one chooses to push through that natural resistance, it signifies an UN-natural imbalance of the mind and how that then feeds into the body.
The body reaches a point with everything where it has had too much and we have a built in safety mechanism that can stop the excess in it's tracks. Hyperventilation will result in fainting, staying up for 36 hours will result in a coma like state until rest is restored, overeating will result in vomiting as will excess alcohol but when your self sabotage = a mind creation, chooses to push through the safety mechanism it can cleverly manipulate the body into submission. If you consistently overeat, you wil stretch your stomach, if you drink too much alcohol initially your body will recognise this flood of poison and will react accordingly and activate the safety switch inducing vomiting to rid itself of said poison. However, if you are determined to trick your poor body and you introduce that same poison over a prolonged period of time, the body is confused into submission and you "successfully" manage to poison yourself. Does that sound demented? Well isn't that what we do over and over, time after time? I know I do and I take it even one step further by layering food on top of this insult to injury.
What madness is this and from where did it come? That!!! Is the real question.
I feel like I have broken my excess threshold, that my body has given up trying to maintain homeostasis and has accepted that I am on a self destruct course with no safe way out. To write what I have consumed today is an act of bravery in itself without detracting from real bravery in the face of death, abuse, war, terror, trauma, violence and depravity.
My fear is being discovered and exposed, I have been hiding in plain sight for so long hoping to pass muster and avoid exposure and shame. Oh the SHAME! I am such a shabby fraud. Now I want to smash the shame shield and expose myself worts and all as a drinker and faker who has been trying to keep her head above water and present a "normal" facade to the world whilst all the while being terrified of exposure and accountability. I have lived in the shadows afraid of participating in life for fear of being pointed at and ridiculed as less than and not worthy of. How dare I feel I was entitled to the same happiness as everyone else, didn't I realise I am not allowed to be happy, to succeed, to live the lives others are privileged to. I am lesser than, not good enough, damaged and distorted. I am broken and unwanted and only fit for the scraps of others. I have learnt I must be over-grateful, over-thankful, over - compensate for when the world gives me good fortune because I am undeserving and lest anyone realise there has been a blip in the universe and someone BAD has received some good fortune therefore it must be over-acknowledged because it must be a mistake as I myself am a mistake so therefore unworthy.
Pay me a compliment and I will tell you how foolish you are or how polite you are for following the rules of convention and polite social interaction. You can't possibly mean it because I don't deserve it as I am unworthy, unloveable, inhuman. I realise the sadness in these words and I don't always take them 100% true but many times when I am feeling low and less than,
this is the soundtrack in my head. These words leap out at me and make a mockery of any good I have achieved, any right I have wronged, and success I have earned or any good deed I have performed. All for the sole purpose of cutting me down to size, denying me my soul purpose which may be to touch someone else's life or make a difference. So hard to make a change when you feel unworthy in the world.
So in the spirit of reclamation and self progress, today, Boxing Day/St Stephen's Day December 26th 2016, I have had 2 bottles of red wine, 1/4 bottle of port, 1/4 bottle of vodka and one glass of whiskey - and I am still standing! How scary is that??
I also feel beyond drinking, that is,this is a totally unacceptable existence and it will not suffice anymore. That it is time I banished these thought of self hatred and annihilation once and for all, like slaying a dragon and all I have to do is not drink anything. That in itself is not the end of the journey, just the beginning to allow some clarity in so I can see what is the next step forward but it is a massive step and the first footfall is due tomorrow December 27th so I had better be ready.
Ultimately the problem with presenting a semi-together front is that no one, even those nearest and dearest have no idea what chaos is going on inside and even those who try to understand may have no concept of how deep and pervasive these feelings are and how they infiltrate and alter the perceptions one has on life. This revelatory expose of my mind is an ice breaker for me of sorts since I have tried for so long to keep each and every one of these thoughts/observations secret for fear they would destroy me if made public, that by admitting a weakness or fear or shameful secret I would suffer immediate and explosive repercussions. Only by coming clean and volunteering this madness can I hope to make progress. That by shinning a light on it even in the rabbit warren of the internet blogosphere, the exposure will somehow set me free. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully a sober day and potentially a day where I will re-read this and be overcome with embarrassment temporarily but realise that some perceived retribution is not on it's way to take me out in a shower of hells fire and brimstone. I have a problem with confidence, alcohol, eating and shame. Doesn't that make me somewhat normal in today's society?? I will await my fate in the morning.