Wednesday, 23 December 2015

We've all seen the movie right?

 Groundhog Day number 1974 (approx)

That is one thousand nine hundred and seventy four just in case you think I mean the year. That is approx how many days I have woken up and thought oh no, not again or oh I can't believe it or even at the sound of the alarm oh for fluffs sake! Yes, that feeling of here we go again, I have let myself down, I've not slept well, I have the whole day ahead of me feeling like this and even the classic "right, that's it I am never drinking again." And yet........ Groundhog Day arrives again.

Only in the last 2-3 years have I realised that my desire to stop does not match my will to stop, or stay stopped. I have the best if intentions and I have read all the books, and now blogs, yet I cannot stay stopped. I had an amazing run from November 2014 to April 2015 but then standing at the sink doing the dishes -snap- I thought "ah fuck it" and went to the shop and there went 5 months of successfully not drinking. I hasten to add that I felt amazing and was doing great, lost 45lbs by following something that works well for me, work was great as I was focused and totally with it etc etc etc, you know how it is when you are not drinking. Not sure what that moment was but I know I didn't really try to fight it I just decided ok I'll drink and start again tomorrow.

Here I am seven months later and I am in way worse shape than before, the drinking has escalated and I have added a couple of vodka aperitifs to my nightly routine only to be swiftly followed by the requisite bottle of red. I find it scary how much I can drink and a) not have a hangover b) not seem that drunk c) feel like I could still have more.  I do really worry about my health too as I have gained back all the weight I lost and just feel like poop all the time. I guess with my weight and bad diet on top of the drinking I fear for my liver, that wonderful regenerative organ that may just one day say "ok, you've pushed your luck sister. I quit! Now live with the consequences" To say I worry seems so silly given that I am the one slamming it day in day out with the ever elusive feeling that I am going to to quit soon so it will then be able to do it's regeneration thing. Currently that stop date is 27th December 2015. That's the plan anyway and I have been gearing up for it for months now, since my birthday actually when I had planned to quit because that would have been 100 days by Christmas. Needless to say that fell by the wayside so I have reversed it now and I have looked at it as being my last 100 days drinking. Please do understand I know what a slippery slope I am on and I realise I have said it all before but what's new is I am attempting to now document it and in doing so, make myself more accountable. I have 4 days drinking left (scary feelings inside) and then I have to flick the switch to sobriety and really commit to doing it. So I have gathered my supplies, substantial but not outrageous as I prepare for my last hoorah. I soooo want this to be a success and to realise what a great achievement I had made last time only to toss it to one side in a fit of pique without fully understanding how lucky I was. This time I might have to white knuckle it for a while but hopefully I will fully comprehend the seriousness of it and how something so easily cast aside has taken me seven months to restart.

An apology to begin with. I cannot punctuate, so if you have to read or re-read something to make sense if it I apologise. Once I have the drinking under control I will work on grammar and punctuation.

The Ginger Groundhog (picture to follow if I can work it out)

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