Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Where is my memory? Cool title lost to booze again!

WOW I had such a cool title to this post but 2 glasses of whisky, 2 glasses of vodka and the start of a bottle of red have lost that stroke of genius to the ether forever.

I watched a documentary on Shane McGowan from The Pogues last night, his journey to getting a new set of teeth. As I do not know how to insert links to anything, please Google Shane McGowan's teeth to to understand why he should covet this surgeries. Anyway, I digress. The whole documentary was about how amazing it was that he decided to go ahead with this surgery and how it would help him enunciate much clearer, thus benefiting his music fans. What was woefully lacking was the acknowledgement that he was still drinking beyond belief and was a shell of his former self. It was painful to watch, especially since I had assumed he was getting his teeth fixed because he was clean and sober. Such a shame! His partner of 30 years is a life coach and as I understand it was trying to highlight that she was supporting him in his decision to continue drinking as everyone has choices in life i.e. Either leave if you can't deal with it or stay and just accept the person as they are. I was so upset by this as I personally felt that Shane was a doddering wreck of a man and his partner felt (to me ) enabling although I hasten to add I do not feel that that was her intention. I guess I was just looking for the happy happy ending "Yay, Shane McGowan is sober and taking care of himself and rejoining LIFE" but I came away convinced that everyone was just paying Hollywood lip service to this man and treating him like he was mentally incompetent (which he may well be) and they all sounded like carers speaking down to their charge rather than treating him as an equal. Gosh I was so let down.

Having said all that though, I wonder how I present when I have had a bit too much booze. I do not have "wet brain" which I think Shane McGowan MAY have, but I do know for sure that there are
times when I have that droopy eyed, drunk, trying to look normal look when I am struggling to keep up with the train of conversation. Oh the shame!!! As I approach this last phase for drinking, well that is the hope/dream, I become all to aware of my habits and behaviours and how they impact my day to day life. The ever growing awareness how stupid and ridiculous my drinking is and just how futile this escapeism is, it achieves NOTHING!!

Luckily, unlike Shane McGowan I am sat on my couche alone with no camera crew positioning their camera at me to see my double chin when I am dozing off, see my droopy eyes and almost dribbly mouth, the slobby slouchy slovenly posture and the sad oh so sad sorry state of affairs I call me. The booze is one thing but for me it is a dual edged sword as I am a boozer and eater. Eating has always been an issue for me and has probably been my main coping mechanism throughout my life so the disappointment I feel with adding booze to this dysfunction is heartbreaking. Worse still is that it has been getting progressively worse over the last 5 years and despite an ever growing awareness of how pitiful I have become I have failed to make the necessary permenant solution. Temporary breaks = yes, attempts at stopping = yes, continued attempts at stopping = yes! even further attempts at stopping = well you get the idea. On again, off again ad infinitum it is all so very very pathetic really. Even as I sit here supping my wine, praying for a brighter happier 2016 I am wondering what last minute food bargains I can pick up in addition to the blue cheese and crackers, chips and dips, onion rings, pate, spring rolls, quality street, roses, pistachios, cashews etc etc so in other words enough food for all the refugees in Calais but intended for me only to eat (with a little for my 17 year old who is not that interested in food and watching her figure 😁) Believe me I do see the craziness in that statement but I am currently unable to do anything about it, after all 'life' is on pause until 27-12-15 when I quit this insanity train and everything miraculously falls into place and I am cured of the last 5 years struggle. It's a Christmas miracle I hear you all cheer or is that just alcohol induced psychosis. Yes I am being flippant as that is my default, I work in mental health and deal with pretty crazy people all the time so I have a pretty black sense of humour which many won't appreciate but it is how I make sense of some quite disturbing and sometimes upsetting situations. No offence to anyone. Besides I have my own mental health issues I struggle with which probably links in with the drinking and eating etc. although luckily, and I do mean that, I am able to cope even if it is poorly with my struggles. I think I am on a bit of a ramble and that was not my intention. I just logged on to document the thought stream that I have when on alcohol and that even when I am indulging, I am profoundly aware that this is an altered state and not one I wish to prolong.

Tomorrow is 3 more days!! The beginning of the end.

Still trying to work out how to use this blog properly. It may take until I am sober to figure it out properly. Gosh, what if I need to take a class Blogging 101? I joke but it may come to that.

Peace out.

 The Ginger Groundhog

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