Early post today as I want to get the most out of this evening before I head back into work tomorrow and the return of 6am starts. Tomorrow will HURT as the earliest I have been up is 7.30 in the last two weeks and even then I went back up with a coffee and read blogs til 9am.
Regrets, I have a few a la Edith Piaf. My first regret this holiday season is that I did not enjoy it as much as last year which is ironic as I was drinking to try and get it out of my system and in my mind that should have meant loads more fun right? Wrong!
Second regret is that I do not feel as rested as I wanted to, I really needed this break to recharge the old batteries but again due to the excessive drinking over Christmas and the build up if I am honest, I still feel very tired and not as dynamic as I hoped to be. I really wanted to go back with a bounce and feeling ready for the year ahead. Instead I am a little bit nervous that I will still be a bit sluggish similar to before Christmas. I know these things take time but I just wanted to feel more oomph heading back in.
Lastly and this has nothing to do with alcohol, I (regret is the wrong word) resent the lousy weather that has seen me drown morning and evening walking my dogs for the longest time. I think this is a contributory factor in my low mood birth now and over Christmas. As I mentioned in my blog the other day, walking all weathers is about having the right equipment and being prepared but I feel a bit cheated this year as I have had the added pressure of two wet dogs, extra towels, extra mopping and vacuuming, extra smelly back hallway due to wet dogs, extra time spent drying the dogs etc etc.
I feel a bit hard done by to be honest. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's true, I feel like a petulant child really and that my fun has been ruined and I am looking for someone to blame. I think this feeling is a familiar one to me "life done me wrong and it's not fair" and this is where I think the booze comes in, it is a little treat for me, I deserve something nice right? Life has done me wrong so I need to check out, zone out, detach from all those problems I feel are mine and mine alone. Woe is me, poor little me. Actually this is also tapping into something I felt as a child, I had a relatively good upbringing but my mother suffered from extreme manic depression or bipolar as it is now called. She was a real textbook case of extremes, way high, highs and way low, lows. Now without getting all pity party (as I am want to do at times i.e. play the martyr) some parts of living with this were really rough and scary for a little child. My dad tried to protect me as best he could but there were times when I was the parent and my mum was a toddler. I am not sure how it started but I began using food when my feelings were hurt, often by her, and then my dad trying to be nice would bring me some sweets home or when we were visiting my mum in the psychiatric hospital, one of those big old Victorian sanitariums that are now converted into million pound apartments, we would stop at the shop on the way home. [sorry if I have lost you at this point! I think this is more for my benefit] Anyway, this became a habit and my poor dad fast realising this was getting out of control tried to curb this feeling of needing a reward. However my cousins on the other hand teased me mercilessly as the poor little rich kid, there were 6 of them for my aunt and uncle to provide for but only me in my household, plus my dad has been promoted and we had moved into a very middle class neighbourhood with the expenses paid for by his company as he had to relocate. They saw me only as a spoilt little rich kid and called me all names under the sun. Little did they realise or understand that by today's standards I would qualify as a part time carer for my mum. I once stole a loaf of bread from the cupboard at their house and took it up the fields to eat as they had been making fun of me all morning and I didn't know how to cope with all that hurt. Needless to say I was found out, punished and then teased mercilessly for that on top of everything else.
Apologies for that little trip down memory lane but it came to me as a memory of when I first started hiding stuff away (drinking alone) feeling like no-one understood me (hiding away and not going on dates) and using substances to blunt or choke down my feelings and emotions food back then, alcohol AND food now. I didn't mean this post to end up there but I just sort of went with it. I am not saying everyone has a story of why they have ended up drinking to excess but for me the parallel between how I behave now as a 46 year old grown up and how I behaved as a youngish child 6-13 is remarkably similar. And here I come back to shame again, shame of who I am and what I deal with and how this must be kept secret. Back then the secret was how bad my mum could be, I think my poor father lived in fear social services would get involved and take me away because he was working so hard to keep his job going and I was being looked after by my mum who was not able to take care of herself. Hindsight is 20/20 and I am sure my dad lived with regrets for years about that but having been in tight spots myself, I know it is easy to judge someone without knowing what they are going through and for him I think he was just caught up in the juggling of day to day life to step back and look at the bigger picture. Poor dad, poor mum and poor me. Now of course the secret is I have a problem with booze and I must keep up appearances and no one can know.
So on that jolly note, let's try and find some good in this. I have got find a way of letting go of the shame and dealing with the emotions and feelings that doesn't involve abusing substances. Phew! That was very long winded and well done if you made it this far. Feels quite cathartic to be honest. As I mentioned previously I work for a psychologist so I can and do throw out these little nuggets as and when they come up. I didn't start the blog to unearth my childhood but I also feel ok about putting some of it out there. After all the power of choice is yours if you want to read it or move on to another blog.
Day 3 completed and I am feeling good. Going to watch some rubbish TV for a while and then go to bed with my book.