Tuesday, 19 January 2016

Sins of the Father- the 'Thing' unraveling.

So this "thing" that has brewing for ages with the Irish side is brewing to over boil. Everything I have been working towards is slowly unraveling (may be a good thing) and all the family "stuff" is coming to a head. Family are starting to air their opinions and take sides but I feel like my role is the peacemaker and it is my job to keep everyone sweet and make sure all their needs are met and their feelings aren't hurt. Needless to say I am the one left crying at night cos this one won't speak to that and this one refuses to tolerate that ones B.S.  Meanwhile I am left feeling that they are all ruining my chance to get a healthy resolution to this messed up dynamic we call family. But..... am I arranging all this to suit my own needs and personal growth or am I a benevolent soul who is seeking long term closure on a minefield of crap over the years? The jury's out!

 I am devastated that my sister has decided that for her own mental health she will not be attending because X has never acknowledged their blah blah blah. I completely get what she is saying and she is correct in her viewpoint but I am stuck with my residual 'stuff' and how I should deal with that, same person X, but from my side. I understand how she has processed this all and has reached resolution, but I haven't and goddammit I need her to help me through this shish-ka-bob! Arrrrggghhhh she was my ally and wingman, now I am alone?? How can I fight alone?

Oh this drama has been going on for ALL of my life and luckily only 18 & 19 years of their life. You see, drum roll please ~~~~~~~~~we are all from the same mother but all adopted out to different families hence why we all have different relationships with the one who birthed us. I was adopted within the family (good idea at the time but long term BIG mistake)  and it was always the silent secret that we all knew but no one asked about. According to by birth siblings, despite them being adopted externally, I have had the hardest life and certainly I have the most "issues" out of all of us. Also I am the only one who is an alcoholic, yes I said the 'A' word people, following close in the footsteps of my birth dad who I vaguely knew yet seem to be mimicking in my trajectory. This man was smart, funny, very savvy about life, an adventurer, a little bit dangerous, twinkle in is eye, able to turn on the charm, a master at reading moods yet tempestuous and manipulative-all traits I recognise in myself. I had a passing relationship with him through my childhood as he was friends with my dad, as in the honourable, kind and fabulous man that raised me as his own. I knew this birth father until my tween years (10-12y/o) and then he kind of faded out and I remember meeting him one time with my dad in a Chinese restaurant in Blanchardstown and despite not knowing it at the time, this would be the last time. He was drunk and weird and talking all kinds of ways he was going to make it big and prove everyone wrong. Even my poor dad was stuck in the position of humouring his once clever, articulate and successful friend and playing along with that harebrained scheme. That was the last I saw of him and maybe the last my dad did too. That man, my birth father did not die of alcoholism but as a result of it. He was drunk and fell down a flight of stairs backwards and cracked his skull. Prior to his death and alcoholism he was a very high ranking police chief, had medals of honour, was a pillar of the community but also had a wife and 4 children and a mistress and 3 children all of whom he made her give up for adoption, me included, with all my hurt feelings!! If you knew the draconian laws Ireland was under 45-50 years ago it is hard to fathom just how you MAY be able to get away with having a child alone. My birth mother lied to the nuns having bought a wedding ring from a pawn shop and said that her husband was in England (oh the irony) and she couldn't feed anymore children alone. All lies but so she wasn't incarcerated for life. Watch Philomena with Judi Dench and Steve Coogan and you have my family in a nutshell.

So as you can see the 'thing' is leeching out of me, too toxic to contain under blog etiquette protocol and too damaging for me to keep inside at present. I may post this unedited and raw as I always have the option to delete it later if I regret. All this Angela's Ashes, Philomena stuff that happened, why am I the one feeling the shame and living an apologetic life. There is something about the 'sins of the father' expression. Well I need to exorcise that beast because really I'm just a little girl lost who only wants to be loved and didn't ask for it but has been stuck battling it since the 'big reveal'.

OVERSHARING to the extreme!!! Now I need to go have some more brown bread and marmalade. I think it is my form of thumb sucking or something.

Ginger Groundhog

8 comments:

  1. Oh you poor, gorgeous girl. Sending you big hugs. Personally, I think you need to address all this stuff, as it's obviously toxic, but ideally you'd sort yourself out first, and wait until your strong enough. Sending love xx

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    1. Thanks SM, as I said before hugs are very welcome and I no longer go rigid like a plank when getting hugs. Despite my obvious despair when I am in the moment I come out stronger. I had a relatively good day and did a lot of thinking. The trip will be hard but I see it as vital now as events are conspiring to bring time, motivation and opportunity together. I know I will be ok, I am strong and I look forward to getting this done and put to bed. Even if it is hard. Bless you SM, always a kind word.

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  2. This sounds very difficult to have to deal with. Is there no way you can get out of it?? I'm in Ireland so if you'd like my number or something you could always get in touch when you're here if you need a sounding board for staying away from the booze. Please let me know, mytimetoshine@gmail.com

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    1. Hi MTTS, see above.... It is going to be difficult to deal with but I feel the timing is right and I plan to tell my brother about my drinking. There was a time when I thought HE had the problem but no, I far outstripped him.
      Thank you, thank you for your very generous offer. I will see how I go, I do ultimately feel positive going forward though, but watch this space.....

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  3. I don't really even know how to comment as I think this is only a job for a therapist. But there is a LOT going on. With childhood traumas you are about 4 thousand times more likely to have addiction problems, (or something like that!) it is really so sad and so unfair. People punish the addict but really they need to look at all the underlying issues that cause the behaviour. I hope you are ok and can stay strong, don't let history repeat it. My mother is nearing the final stages of alcoholism. It is so tragic. Stop while you still can. Be kind. Try to forgive and get help.
    Keep blogging. I think it will help xxxxx

    Sent from my iPad

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    1. Kats76 you must be correct with 4000 times more likely to have addiction as I read it on our work referrals everyday. I sometimes read them thinking this ME!!! We do try to look at the issues not the reaction although not all mental health providers do. "Oh! You drink? Well deal with that first and then come back" - no no no it doen't work like that. It really is a chicken and egg thing, which came first. You will be pleased to know I have contacted my old therapist and will be getting some more sessions. Forgiveness.... now that one is a tough one for me, it is the underlying anger I need to deal with to get closer to forgiveness. So, so sorry to hear about your mum, it must be really hard for you to witness that. I cannot imagine how that feels for you and what you must go through. Stay strong yourself and practice good self care. Even when I am not blogging I am reading and everyone has a story to tell. Thanks for taking the time to comment and share, it means a lot to me.

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  4. Oh Ginger - sorry I've only just seen this, been too wrapped up in my own daft world today. Good lord, you've a lot going on there. I think seeing a therapist is a very, very good idea. Am left feeling a huge admiration for your sprirt my dear. I'm sending you a massive virtual hug (no shirking, now). This is not oversharing btw, I'm a complete advocate of the catharsis of just getting that shit out there. Just the action of typing it is good for the soul. Red xx

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    1. Yay I am booked in to see "my guy"' the therapist that brought me back to me after inward mercilessly bullied by a boss 4 years ago. He knows my STUFF so I can start off from now, not fill in the back history. How cool are you to still manage to give me positive feedback when you had such a rough night yourself. Kids can break you faster than anything despite the love we have for them. Watch them as a trigger though cos I know in the past a hard and argumentative evening has caused me to cave (single mum and no one to talk me down) Just remember to breathe, in through the nose, out through the mouth.

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