So this "thing" that has brewing for ages with the Irish side is brewing to over boil. Everything I have been working towards is slowly unraveling (may be a good thing) and all the family "stuff" is coming to a head. Family are starting to air their opinions and take sides but I feel like my role is the peacemaker and it is my job to keep everyone sweet and make sure all their needs are met and their feelings aren't hurt. Needless to say I am the one left crying at night cos this one won't speak to that and this one refuses to tolerate that ones B.S. Meanwhile I am left feeling that they are all ruining my chance to get a healthy resolution to this messed up dynamic we call family. But..... am I arranging all this to suit my own needs and personal growth or am I a benevolent soul who is seeking long term closure on a minefield of crap over the years? The jury's out!
I am devastated that my sister has decided that for her own mental health she will not be attending because X has never acknowledged their blah blah blah. I completely get what she is saying and she is correct in her viewpoint but I am stuck with my residual 'stuff' and how I should deal with that, same person X, but from my side. I understand how she has processed this all and has reached resolution, but I haven't and goddammit I need her to help me through this shish-ka-bob! Arrrrggghhhh she was my ally and wingman, now I am alone?? How can I fight alone?
Oh this drama has been going on for ALL of my life and luckily only 18 & 19 years of their life. You see, drum roll please ~~~~~~~~~we are all from the same mother but all adopted out to different families hence why we all have different relationships with the one who birthed us. I was adopted within the family (good idea at the time but long term BIG mistake) and it was always the silent secret that we all knew but no one asked about. According to by birth siblings, despite them being adopted externally, I have had the hardest life and certainly I have the most "issues" out of all of us. Also I am the only one who is an alcoholic, yes I said the 'A' word people, following close in the footsteps of my birth dad who I vaguely knew yet seem to be mimicking in my trajectory. This man was smart, funny, very savvy about life, an adventurer, a little bit dangerous, twinkle in is eye, able to turn on the charm, a master at reading moods yet tempestuous and manipulative-all traits I recognise in myself. I had a passing relationship with him through my childhood as he was friends with my dad, as in the honourable, kind and fabulous man that raised me as his own. I knew this birth father until my tween years (10-12y/o) and then he kind of faded out and I remember meeting him one time with my dad in a Chinese restaurant in Blanchardstown and despite not knowing it at the time, this would be the last time. He was drunk and weird and talking all kinds of ways he was going to make it big and prove everyone wrong. Even my poor dad was stuck in the position of humouring his once clever, articulate and successful friend and playing along with that harebrained scheme. That was the last I saw of him and maybe the last my dad did too. That man, my birth father did not die of alcoholism but as a result of it. He was drunk and fell down a flight of stairs backwards and cracked his skull. Prior to his death and alcoholism he was a very high ranking police chief, had medals of honour, was a pillar of the community but also had a wife and 4 children and a mistress and 3 children all of whom he made her give up for adoption, me included, with all my hurt feelings!! If you knew the draconian laws Ireland was under 45-50 years ago it is hard to fathom just how you MAY be able to get away with having a child alone. My birth mother lied to the nuns having bought a wedding ring from a pawn shop and said that her husband was in England (oh the irony) and she couldn't feed anymore children alone. All lies but so she wasn't incarcerated for life. Watch Philomena with Judi Dench and Steve Coogan and you have my family in a nutshell.
So as you can see the 'thing' is leeching out of me, too toxic to contain under blog etiquette protocol and too damaging for me to keep inside at present. I may post this unedited and raw as I always have the option to delete it later if I regret. All this Angela's Ashes, Philomena stuff that happened, why am I the one feeling the shame and living an apologetic life. There is something about the 'sins of the father' expression. Well I need to exorcise that beast because really I'm just a little girl lost who only wants to be loved and didn't ask for it but has been stuck battling it since the 'big reveal'.
OVERSHARING to the extreme!!! Now I need to go have some more brown bread and marmalade. I think it is my form of thumb sucking or something.