Tuesday, 12 January 2016

The Truth Shall Set You Free - or me at least

So much for commitment hey ?

Well I am coming clean on the last week. I am not proud to say I have fallen, jumped, slipped, [chose your own turn of phrase] off the wagon, maybe I told myself a little lie and full on gleefully bounced off the wagon. The voices were talking their smooth talk about work being stressful, life being hard, what else do you have to look forward to, and then......"remember you got that 'thing' at the end of the month? That 'thing' you did before, 6 months sober and you ended up drinking after it. That'll make you drink for sure, so just quit after that, no point in trying now". And that was it, I started again. Even now I am thinking "oh gosh, maybe it is silly to stop now, maybe I should just wait" and I can hear you ALL shouting Noooooooo!!! I can feel the head shaking and the rapid typing and I know for sure you are all right, know in my heart of hearts you are 100% correct but I am feeling the fear. So much so that my promise to myself to blog tonight is diminishing as, if I keep silent then I only have to own up in Feb, so scared am I that I won't make it past the 'thing'

I have been avoiding the blog as I didn't want to lie or pretend I was ok but I also didn't want to tell the truth partly as I didn't want any of the other Jan 1st starters to have any reason to throw in the towel themselves. That, plus I felt I had let myself down AGAIN! after the previous AGAIN! and the AGAIN! before that.

So a lot of last week was was a big ole Whooo hooo for a few days after I had given myself permission to drink again but then turned bad, as it was bound to do, when I started dragging myself out of bed, huffing and puffing around the dog walk, feeling shaky and paranoid and generally feeling terrified that here I was again realising the error of my ways and promising to not do it again for the, well, I have lost count to be honest.  The mortality chip kicked in and I was then worried about the myriad of health conditions I am actively inviting into my life because of my lifestyle, already I feel rubbish most of the time cos I am tired, drunk, hungover or craving that next drink. I am eating food that I have a mild allergic reaction to because [apologies] the fuck it button has been activated and the food tastes good so I will live with the pain, which only serves to make me feel worse the next day on top,of having too much to drink. 

I caught myself shaking my head at another blog yesterday as I read that persons story and I thought "oh my god, bless her, someone really needs to help that girl, she is in full on self destruct mode and I don't think she realises how far gone she is" and that was rapidly followed by the thought that maybe people read my blog in the same way and maybe if I was sober too I would think this way. Then it struck me that people are trying to help, they are sharing ideas, strategies, memories, feelings and hopes that everyone can find this same happiness and peace, yes people PEACE. That is what we are all striving for even if in a self destructive manner, peace from whatever ails us but, and I think this was my biggest realisation, we do need help and support but there is no hero gonna sweep in and save us from ourselves - only we can do that ourselves. The tools, support, love, hopeful wishes only get us so far but ultimately it is the the hands of the individual to save themself and that is why there is such a sense of accomplishment in sobriety. I got it on some kind of level before but I GOT it yesterday and even more so tonight. I have been waiting for someone to do it for me, the perfect day, the right time, a significant date, after Christmas, when I am calm, when work isn't so bad, any day except today. 

I don't want to have to keep coming here and saying a la Britney 'Oops I did it again' and that us never the intention, I seem to go along great and then whoosh a sudden change of state and I am on my way to the shop knowing full well it will solve nothing, I'll regret it, I'll feel bad in the morning bug nothing matters more in that moment than giving in.

Major kudos to all my fellow Jan 1st abstainers who are going strong. I hope you will read this as a sharp reminder of how ridiculous it is and I hope there is just a tiny weeny hint of smugness that you have made it 12 days, normally I wouldn't condone smugness so blithely but I absolve you of any guilt on this occasion so 'Smug it up Twelvers'.  If that feels too negative then I hope at least you feel really proud of yourselves and think, there but for grace go I ( insert god into that quote if it works for you)

Thanks for the kind comments and messages, they do help even when it feels like I just want to never be accountable again. I know even when I fall down I must get up and try again no matter how painful, embarrassing or boring and repetitive it seems. 

Lastly if anyone does ever feel like taking on my punctuation mistakes and dodgy use of both "" and '', then feel free. I have an A grade O'level in both Lang & Lit so I must have known it once. It might give me something else to worry about other than will I make it safely to 8pm each evening.

Ginger Groundhog - will the day ever change? 

4 comments:

  1. You have a whole lot of self realization in this post.
    I think the next time you will be even more ready.

    I don't know what the thing is, but is it worth feeling shaky anxious and paranoid for?

    I vividly remember how that felt and it was crushing my soul to drag my body through those days.

    There truly is peace. I never believed it either, but I have to come here to write it to maybe give you a boost to get back on your horse and save yourself.

    Be gentle with yourself. This is a hard thing, overcoming addiction.

    Stillness and peace
    Anne

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    1. As always, thanks for your kind words. I feel ok at the moment and this morning I feel,dare I say good. Just got to find that strength and resolve between 5-8. The awareness is always great it's the stamina to make it through the wobbles that I need to master.

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  2. Hey Ginger - so glad you've posted this, was beginning to worry we'd not hear from you again.. You mention feeling embarrassed - well I just want to say this is not to be embarrassed about, instead you should be proud of yourself for trying, for picking yourself back up again, and for thinking and working out just where you are and what to do, rather than throwing in the towel or ignoring things. You're on your way, these are setbacks, and hard, but we've got to keep at it. I felt similar to you after my blip , but I think my blips have helped strengthen me if anything. Please keep in touch, and keep blogging and sharing your thoughts. It's bloody hard, this malarkey.But we can do it if we support each other. Love, Red xx (Ps sorry for all the waffle, typing as I'm thinking, unedited ;-)

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    1. Not waffle at all just very kind supportive words. I know I am going to keep posting cos I want to keep beating this thing. I am such a contrary old thing though so the fact that everyone was doing dry Jan almost had the opposite effect on me as I don't like to run with the crowd but against it - what a daft ninny I am. Anyway lots at work are drinking again so perfect time for me to stop, go figure!! Loving your blog, I have checked in even if I haven't commented.

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