Wednesday, 17 February 2016

A small but significant achievement

Today is my day 12 and this is the longest I have gone without a drink since April 2015. 

As I have mentioned before I was just doing the dishes when the drinkin thinkin came over me and I fought it for oh such a short time before thinking 'fuck it' and off to the shop I went. Weirdly enough I remember my thoughts and feelings clearly in that instant I decided to throw the towel in, I was elated, joyful and felt giddy with excitement. Uhck, how embarrassing is that? I worry that those feelings would be the same right now if I decided to do the same, I feel only a hairs breadth away sometimes from that swan dive into intoxication.

Today was my follow up visit with the doctor and she gave me loads of time and seemed really sincere about getting to understand what, why, how much, how long etc. I was 100% honest and mentioned that last night I was wobbling but knowing I had the appointment today and that she would know why I had cancelled if I did, it helped me get through the wine witching hours. She has offered to see me regularly just to check in and when I commented "oh I feel worried about wasting an NHS appointment for that" she replied "you can die just as easily from this as cancer if you leave it untreated". So, er yes, I have agreed to see her again in two weeks as she is sending me for a full blood work up.

I wish I could say I am not craving a drink cos I sooooooo am but by making myself as accountable to as many people as I feel safe with I hope it will keep me on the right track. Tomorrow I am back to see my therapist to dig deep into all the reasons I choose to 'numb' with food and drink and that numbness is what I miss so much (especially since I stopped sugar as well) I haven't had any major emotional breakdowns but I did cry watching a show on tv the other night and only after realised how lame that was as it was such a cheese fest I was watching. So the emotions are bubbling around but haven't been put to the real test yet.

On a positive note.... I am on fire at work, it's like the movie Limitless. My brain is coming back to life and I was multitasking and easily able to jump from one task to another in a second. I felt a bit of a rush when things were all coming in at the same time and people were coming to me for help and advice. The other week I was thinking why do they always ask me, can't they find someone else. This was because once interrupted I lost track of what I was doing and had to gather my thoughts again before restarting whatever it was. Today I was able to still keep doing my thing while answering the question, remembering something that needed doing later and thinking about what to cook for dinner. Yesterday I dealt with 204 emails (I counted) and was in that flow state you achieve when you are in the zone. However, when I come home from work, by the time I sit down on the couch I am ready to go to bed. I am exhausted, bone tired and can't wait to feel that energy that comes from being sober, well rested, confident and calm. I know it's out there but I want it to arrive soon.

It's 8.15 and the wine witch has given in and left me alone. Sober Mummy says hot chocolate has magical properties so I am off to make myself one and then tuck myself up in bed with a good book. Another 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, ahh priceless!

Ginger Groundhog

14 comments:

  1. It's great that you are building a sober network. Telling your doctor was really brave and she sounds very supportive. I don't have a network but I'd love to! Well done at work too! It's a great feeling when you have a great day and everything comes together so well. Congrats on day 12! You are doing this! A x

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    1. Thanks Angie. Are you sble to start to build a network? For me I think it was that I feel on shaky ground and needed to have some accountability. My voice would be to keep thi secret from everyone but I think I have passed that point. Baby steps are needed. You are so much further ahead than me, are you finding it difficult just now? Let me know if you want some cheerleading and I'll rally the troops.

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  2. GGG, you now sit on the left side of my Mac along with a bunch of other inspirational bloggers. I am not long at this game and am looking for help and support on my own journey after decades of giving in to the wine witch (and beer, scotch, Jack D etc). I can't do AA - its just not me, so I'll spend some time in this world of hope.

    Thanks for your words

    Justonemore

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    1. I am honoured if I have made your side bar, thank you very much. I note that you comment on the wine witch and then list the others, that is me too. It started with wine but somehow, somewhere along the line Hine, vodka and whiskey entered the ritual. I tried AA. But whether it was my small town group but it was a very unhappy place full of very unhappy people and made me despair for future hope. I love the sober blogs and all the AA people here and there are many seem to embody the positive side of AA. each to their own. Do you have a blog?

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  3. Dear GHG,
    You are building some accountability for yourself.
    That is awesome.
    It is such a difference working when sober. I am happy for you!
    That is a lot of e-mails!
    I am now finding a little bit of that sober energy. It's awesome.
    I will send some your way!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Energy will be greatly received but don't short yourself though 😊 Emails are always excessive but that was the worst. Sober work continues to be a bonus and get so much done. Still on the fence if I shoot for the promotion on offer, need to answer by Sunday midnight. I know some say do nothing new in the first year but they come up so rarely at my company. Watch this space. Advise welcome though.

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  4. YAY!! Sounds like the good bits of being sober are coming at you!! Good job, I faltered a few times around day 13. You can do it, I really want to read your blog when you post on day 30th!! Staying on the wagon with ya!!

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    1. You and I seem to have similar patterns and if you see my next blog day 14 you will know how perils sly close I came. Glad you are doing well too, it is all so fraught these early days but yes I will do a little dance whe I get to day 30. Keep going TWIK we can do this.

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  5. Awesome GHG!! The worst is behind you :). Every day can be better. Good for you re getting support too. Keep it up!!

    Hugs, SR

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    1. Yes it is very nice to make it out of the Day 1, 2, 3, 4, repeat, cycle. 14 days down and headed for 21. Trying to do something productive each day that I wouldn't have done when I was sitting with my wine. Love your name also sobriety RISING like the proverbial Phoenix from the ashes, love it.

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    1. Thanks Anne trying to keep it real. Onward I go.

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  7. Hey GG! Loved reading this. I also love that feeling of being "on fire" at work, I'd been really enjoying that before my recent lapse. I was such a good idea opening up to the doctor, and I like the approach she's taking. We should probably all take this a bit more seriously. I feel you on the bone-tired thing but honestly looking back I'd started to have so much more energy around days 30 to 40. (Yes, I know, what was I thinking..)Keep kicking that wine witch into touch my friend. Xx

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  8. Don't worry about the "what was I thinking" gosh we have all been there so many times and I am only a bad day away from that myself. I have a blood test Monday to do an overall check on how I am and have I ruined anything and tbh that was one of the reasons I resisted on day 14 because I either had to miss it cos I was full of booze, attend and verify that I was full of booze or resist the booze and turn up day 17 sans booze for an accurate reading. Telling the GP was good as I do feel that I have to prove to her I am doing it. I am sure there is more to that than I am looking at but it is a small help for now. You see back on track now so let the past remain there. Big hugs

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