Today is my day 12 and this is the longest I have gone without a drink since April 2015.
As I have mentioned before I was just doing the dishes when the drinkin thinkin came over me and I fought it for oh such a short time before thinking 'fuck it' and off to the shop I went. Weirdly enough I remember my thoughts and feelings clearly in that instant I decided to throw the towel in, I was elated, joyful and felt giddy with excitement. Uhck, how embarrassing is that? I worry that those feelings would be the same right now if I decided to do the same, I feel only a hairs breadth away sometimes from that swan dive into intoxication.
Today was my follow up visit with the doctor and she gave me loads of time and seemed really sincere about getting to understand what, why, how much, how long etc. I was 100% honest and mentioned that last night I was wobbling but knowing I had the appointment today and that she would know why I had cancelled if I did, it helped me get through the wine witching hours. She has offered to see me regularly just to check in and when I commented "oh I feel worried about wasting an NHS appointment for that" she replied "you can die just as easily from this as cancer if you leave it untreated". So, er yes, I have agreed to see her again in two weeks as she is sending me for a full blood work up.
I wish I could say I am not craving a drink cos I sooooooo am but by making myself as accountable to as many people as I feel safe with I hope it will keep me on the right track. Tomorrow I am back to see my therapist to dig deep into all the reasons I choose to 'numb' with food and drink and that numbness is what I miss so much (especially since I stopped sugar as well) I haven't had any major emotional breakdowns but I did cry watching a show on tv the other night and only after realised how lame that was as it was such a cheese fest I was watching. So the emotions are bubbling around but haven't been put to the real test yet.
On a positive note.... I am on fire at work, it's like the movie Limitless. My brain is coming back to life and I was multitasking and easily able to jump from one task to another in a second. I felt a bit of a rush when things were all coming in at the same time and people were coming to me for help and advice. The other week I was thinking why do they always ask me, can't they find someone else. This was because once interrupted I lost track of what I was doing and had to gather my thoughts again before restarting whatever it was. Today I was able to still keep doing my thing while answering the question, remembering something that needed doing later and thinking about what to cook for dinner. Yesterday I dealt with 204 emails (I counted) and was in that flow state you achieve when you are in the zone. However, when I come home from work, by the time I sit down on the couch I am ready to go to bed. I am exhausted, bone tired and can't wait to feel that energy that comes from being sober, well rested, confident and calm. I know it's out there but I want it to arrive soon.
It's 8.15 and the wine witch has given in and left me alone. Sober Mummy says hot chocolate has magical properties so I am off to make myself one and then tuck myself up in bed with a good book. Another 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, ahh priceless!