Friday, 19 February 2016

Day 14 I made it -Only Just

Today is day 14, again tiny for some massive for me.

So far today out of the 15 hours I have been awake I have been thinking about having a drink for about a solid 12 of those hours. The thoughts have churned around my head all day long and I have been slightly distracted from work and I have had the overwhelming desire to just throw the towel in and drink. All. Day. Long!!!

It is now 9pm and I have made it through the very worst and only have what could be ironically described as a craving hangover, little bit anxious, little bit emotional, little bit light headed and very very tired. I am calling it quits on the day after this and heading to bed with Brene Brown's 'Daring Greatly' which I hope will be some kind of vaccination for any drinkin thinkin I may get tomorrow (let's hope so).

So how did I succeed tonight and keep my 14 days intact? Well... I did a massive pile of dishes left by the lazy teen that normally I would be nagging and moaning to about not doing her fair share. Next I changed 2 lightbulbs that have been out for a while, then I bleached the downstairs loo both inside and out, sink, mirror, skirting boards and floor, next vacuumed all the downstairs (including the corners and behind the tv unit) and all the stairs and landing. Moved on to the upstairs bathroom and repeated downstairs sequence, tidied around, put laundry away and then wobbling even more and thinking what's the point, I called a friend who does nothing but talk about herself. I was agony sitting there listening to her go on about me, me, me (as in her, her, her. She didn't ask me one thing about me) but it lasted 90 minutes and all of a sudden I was over the hump and in 9 o'clock land and safety. Hoorah!

All through this exercise I was feeling angry and miserable and my mind was playing the moderation game swiftly followed by the I can start again tomorrow or even better Sunday thoughts, chased by the oh fuck it what's the point thoughts. Anger, sadness, disappointment were there in spades but I just kept plodding on with cleaning, not feeling better but not giving in. I know this will potentially be one of many but this one was a toughy and I am glad I am through but I know I will feel the real relief and hopefully some happiness when I wake tomorrow.

The punctuation is probably shocking, the writing is not inspirational, the message isn't exactly positive but I have been trapped in the house with a demon all alone and I am still stone cold sober. Sometimes THAT is all you get.

To bed!

Ginger Groundhog

P.s Sorry I haven't replied to recent comments, I value them and will get to them tomorrow.

9 comments:

  1. GHG, you're doing great. I am certainly no expert at this and it is pretty much one day at a time here so I know your pain and fear. Its a tough thing we are doing.I don't remember how I quit smoking 15 or so years ago but I think that was easier than this. I know little about addiction but booze is definitely insidious. It is not just the chemical craving, there is a whole ritual and performance aspect that needs to be overcome. I thought about how the industry dupes us into a world where this poisonous substance is transformed into a seemingly essential ingredient to a happy and successful life - but we know the truth - or at least it is starting to become more apparent. I genuinely believe it will get easier and better and I am not going to see myself as being "in recovery" for the rest of my life. My goal is to be able to say "yes I drank and now I don't" but I know there is a lot of hard work to put in before we (I would underline we but I haven't figured out how to do it) get there. So for now its one day at a time, early nights, fizzy water and not testing myself. You are on the right road my friend and there are many of us watching out for you.

    Justonemore

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    1. Haha I love that you can't underline - me too!
      Like you I quit smoking and don't think it was this hard although if I am honest I do know it took a million tries before it clicked but when it did it really did. You and I also think alike in that I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying not to drink. For now let's indeed do one day at a time. I just hope today is a little easier.

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  2. You did a great job here.
    Moving and getting physical is a good way to distract your thoughts.
    I hope you got good sleep and have a good day tomorrow!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Thanks Wendy, I have a plan for tonight also just in case but I a hoping I have an easier time today. Fingers crossed.

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  3. Well done GG! Awesome work! It's not going to be that tricky forever - just a short while. Cleaning is perfect distraction - mindless, physical and strangely satisfying. I had a v clean house when I first quit! Try decluttering too.... Big hugs xxx

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    1. Thanks SM, decluttering was on the agenda last time I quit so luckily that is still needing attention. Wish it was summer as I need to deep clean the car and would be great to use that one night to direct my energy. Lovely waking up Saturday with only a few jobs to do.

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  4. Hey GG. Well can I just say I really, really admire your strength - to go to bed sober after battling with your willpower all day like that, I don't think I could have done it!! I love the distraction technique of phoning the self centred friend, it almost sounds like wearing a hair shirt ;-) we're all going to have to come up with some better alternatives. Although I find cleaning/decluttering a good one, must admit the sense of achievement helps ;-) I hope today has been a LOT easier for you. Red xx

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  5. Just spent the day decluttering - great idea GG, so stuff on e bay, stuff taken to the tip and bags ready for the charity shop. So much old tech stuff going to waste which seems so ....... wasteful. Day off tomorrow!!!

    Justonemore

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  6. Great job GHG! Can't wait to see what else you accomplish!!

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