Today is day 14, again tiny for some massive for me.
So far today out of the 15 hours I have been awake I have been thinking about having a drink for about a solid 12 of those hours. The thoughts have churned around my head all day long and I have been slightly distracted from work and I have had the overwhelming desire to just throw the towel in and drink. All. Day. Long!!!
It is now 9pm and I have made it through the very worst and only have what could be ironically described as a craving hangover, little bit anxious, little bit emotional, little bit light headed and very very tired. I am calling it quits on the day after this and heading to bed with Brene Brown's 'Daring Greatly' which I hope will be some kind of vaccination for any drinkin thinkin I may get tomorrow (let's hope so).
So how did I succeed tonight and keep my 14 days intact? Well... I did a massive pile of dishes left by the lazy teen that normally I would be nagging and moaning to about not doing her fair share. Next I changed 2 lightbulbs that have been out for a while, then I bleached the downstairs loo both inside and out, sink, mirror, skirting boards and floor, next vacuumed all the downstairs (including the corners and behind the tv unit) and all the stairs and landing. Moved on to the upstairs bathroom and repeated downstairs sequence, tidied around, put laundry away and then wobbling even more and thinking what's the point, I called a friend who does nothing but talk about herself. I was agony sitting there listening to her go on about me, me, me (as in her, her, her. She didn't ask me one thing about me) but it lasted 90 minutes and all of a sudden I was over the hump and in 9 o'clock land and safety. Hoorah!
All through this exercise I was feeling angry and miserable and my mind was playing the moderation game swiftly followed by the I can start again tomorrow or even better Sunday thoughts, chased by the oh fuck it what's the point thoughts. Anger, sadness, disappointment were there in spades but I just kept plodding on with cleaning, not feeling better but not giving in. I know this will potentially be one of many but this one was a toughy and I am glad I am through but I know I will feel the real relief and hopefully some happiness when I wake tomorrow.
The punctuation is probably shocking, the writing is not inspirational, the message isn't exactly positive but I have been trapped in the house with a demon all alone and I am still stone cold sober. Sometimes THAT is all you get.
P.s Sorry I haven't replied to recent comments, I value them and will get to them tomorrow.