It is officially Groundhog Day and in Punxatauney, Pennsylvania good old Phil the resident Groundhog pokes his head out of his tree stump lodge and makes a prediction about whether we are due too 6 more weeks of winter (please no, I have trench foot from walking the dogs constantly in the rain) or if spring will come early. All this is based on whether Phil sees his shadow or not.
Well metaphorically I am doing my own Groundhog Day, after all I am Groundhog Girl aka Ginger Groundhog. So this morning I popped my head up from the darkness I have been living in for the past, oh I don't know, too bloomin long, and looked for my own personal shadow. This would signify to me am I due for months more struggling, unhappiness, deception and denial or am I ready to once again try and let some light and lightness in. Well truth be told I had part primed myself for this by using Feb 1st as a new launch date, plus it fell on a Monday which is brilliant if like me you use Monday's, first day of the month, end of a significant date/occasion as a start date. When I vaguely remembered that Groundhog Day fell in Feb sometime I looked it up and low and behold it was the second of the month, even more significance to my 9 millionth go at abstinence. So after a very wet Dry January booze wise I decided the get "the thing" out of the way in Ireland and try again when I came back.
'The thing' was a big convoluted family drama type thing, look in the cheap book section of any store and you will find some approximation of what some Irish family histories look like circa 1950's and 60's Ireland when the Magdalena's were churning out babies and locking in young women and in rural areas the church ruled the way of life. All very sad, depressing and very, very FUCKED UP. Sorry I don't like to swear too much but sooo many lives have been ruined, messed up and devastated because of some very wicked people who believed they spoke for god, and no I cannot capitalise the g. Anyhoo... rant aside I consciously decided to drink before and during my visit as there is only so much craziness I can handle newly sober and add to that all the other layers of stuff, crazy and sheer madness and well I wouldn't have lasted. However, never before had it been so clear to me that I was drinking to dull everything, so even in the moment of feeling dull and a bit zoned out I was like, "oh riiiiight, I totally get why I do this, it takes the edges off everything" There was no drinking for pleasure it was pure self preservation - yes that was a well considered comment, preservation sums it up quite well. Maybe I have needed to do that for some time to get all my ducks in a row to tackle all the stuff I now feel able to.
Back in the UK now and back to work, tired with a stinking cold I feel slightly different, not as emotionally wrecked as I thought I might be and I have my therapist lined up to help me get into a bit more of the deep stuff and I like his style, I like the way he challenges me and I really like the way he asks me something and I think 'gosh I never thought of it that way before'. However, I DO NOT LIKE the way he said I didn't have a drinking problem but that I had made drink the problem so I wouldn't focus on the other stuff going on. Can I hear gasps of shock from the soberverse? I hope so! I did say to him that his comments really annoyed me and I felt he was being flippant about something I was terribly worried about and felt out of control about. He said again that I had made drinking the problem and having worked with alcohol addicts, he could tell I wasn't one but was using alcohol negatively but not addictively. He went on to explain more but I was a bit shocked and said I would have to consider his comments further but that I was not accepting them. He said the fact that I was holding on so tightly to "needing" alcohol be the problem meant it wasn't the real problem. What I should have asked him was if he thought I should try to stop or moderate because that would have given me an indication of if he believed that whilst not addicted per se I still needed to stop or if he tried to roll out the 'moderation' line in which case I would know he didn't get it at all. I am going back on Thursday and plan to be very frank and honest asking him for more clarity on what he was saying. It may just be that I was so taken aback that I didn't process what he was saying. Comments please.
I have written a bit more than I intended (no shock there) as I am in bed already, hoping for an early night and some respite from this awful cold. For my sake I am going to try and keep this blog going a few nights a week but I am not going gung ho on the commitment like I thought was a good idea back along. I am a contrarian and need to be careful what I set myself up for as I can purposely go against it just because that mad switch in my head has to flick on and go against everything. When people tell me I am contrary I still say thank you and take it as a compliment ha ha. Need some work there too.
Happy Groundhog Day everyone, and if you care, Phil said spring was coming early, let's hope he is right. Also there is a google image of a ginger Groundhog if you search, just pretend I know what I am doing and loaded it onto my blog as my profile picture, it would make this a cuter page. I am ginger and proud, not even possible to ginger shame me world!
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