Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I am 99% certain I am not the first person in the sobersphere to title a post thus but it just about describes how I feel. I have taken to my bed and can't seem to get out or get motivated. I had a desperate cold for two weeks and it dragged me down and really left me exhausted, what with that on top of giving up the liquid poison and my poor body has been in meltdown. Well today (yesterday now as I couldn't get online) I did something I have been avoiding like the plague and up until this week would rather have fought a starving lion than do - I told a GP the truth about my drinking, yep the cold hard truth and despite feeling immense shame and humiliation whilst doing it, I do feel a sense of relief.
The doctor was quite matter of fact about it and said that I was through the "dangerous" part of cold turkey and she would have recommended a different approach originally but she wants to see me next week to check in with me again. She asked did I know about the support groups available etc and I said I did but was feeling better using the Internet and she seemed happy enough with that. She has also agreed to sign me off for the rest of the week 'post viral fatigue' is what we decided was best as it a) is probably true and b) looks so much better than complete mental breakdown due to going cold turkey on the booze.
I have always struggled with some element of paranoia and the fact that the world may discover I am a shabby fraud, that I'll be found out and consequently humiliated. This is what has stopped me coming clean about all of this and the fear of it being on my medical record in black and white for other people to see. Fear fear fear. What if work finds out, what if I go for another job and they request my records, what if all this blogging on the internet is discovered by a future employer (shocked me when I found employers check people's online presence) again all this fear has held me back for so long but really I think it almost trapped me in the viscous circle.
I am back to see my therapist today and share more of the craziness that goes on in my head, my rules about things, my fears about things, all of the little quirks that go to make up the whole me. I have been reading Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection and it was very good and highlighted to me the big shame thing I carry around like sack cloth and ashes. That will be discussed today too. Also I watched a very good TedX talk by Glennon Doyle Melton called Lessons from the Mental Hospital, it is so good I watched it through twice, back to back. I love Ted talks and it is there I found Brene Brown, if you haven't yet dipped your toe in the Tedtalk world I would recommend you give it a try. They range from 15-20 minutes and I find you always learn something new and get a different perspective on something. I am all about challenging my 'rules' I have created over the years and this is a great way for me to view things from a different perspective.
Today, just for now I feel calm, connected and in control. At this moment when I check in with myself, all is well and I feel a momentary sense of peace. More of this please.