This weekend I filled out a job application for a promotion at work. This something I would not have been able to do when I was drinking nightly or even every other night.
1. I wouldn't have had the confidence, knowing how much of a "loser" I was cos I couldn't stop drinking.
2. I would have talked myself out of it, " you'll never get it so why bother"
3. I would be worried I wasn't up to it because I know what they don't (yet), that I can't focus cos I am mildly hungover all of the time.
4. I would probably have forgotten about the deadline until the evening of and then have to scramble around for dates of past jobs, names of references etc. On top of trying to fill out a comprehensive application whilst not trying to come over as drunk.
5. Even if I did remember there is the chance I just couldn't be bothered with the whole thing and just let the deadline expire and then think "oh well"
As it stands I submitted a really well thought out application, I was able to go through the many versions of my resume/CV for dates and references. I answered all the questions thoughtfully and with the right emphasis. I read it through several times for punctuation and grammar (my absolute biggest failing as those of you who read this know - I can feel you wincing sometimes) I sent it to a friend to read over and make suggestions. I left it for an hour and then came back to it and reread it, then I finally pressed SUBMIT and it is now out of my hands. Best or worst of all, I did this whilst recovering from a migraine having spent the morning blind, in agony, feeling like my skull was full of jack hammers and vomiting.
Doing this was a huge achievement for me as I have been recommended for promotion every year but I have always declined to go for it, content to stay safe with the old familiar. Despite my job being extremely busy and constantly evolving, I know roughly what to expect and that I can almost manage to stay on top of it. Applying for this new job solidified for me a change that I felt has been coming for a while, stopping drinking is only part of it. I have felt a shift in my whole self/soul that I was aware of even when I was sipping the old vino and I don't really care too much if I get the job or not. The BIG thing for me was just applying. If I get it, I will panic a bit but if I don't I am no worse off, I like my current role and love my boss, the clinical psychologist.
Whatever will be, will be and I am really happy about that.