Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Just this - again

Tough day today back to work which was ok but had a very sad phone call from my daughter who is having boyfriend blues BIG TIME. We have had 3 days solid crying and it is draining as she is a powder keg of emotion and I am trying to be as supportive as possible in between her biting my head off one minute and then holding onto me bawling the next.

This to shall pass but it is hell in the moment of it.

Day 2 - done

Monday, 28 March 2016

Just this.

There is no fanfare. No proclamations, no promises of this time is the time. No massive long discourse on some aspect of my life. Just a genuine desire to not have another drink.

As Mr Sponsorpants says,   Is it simple? = Yes, Is it easy? = No

Day 1 done (again)

Sunday, 20 March 2016

Hello - Not all doom and gloom

Well I have been absent for a few weeks but not idle. Each day I composed a blog in my head while I was walking the dogs, doing the dishes, on my break at work but ultimately each one of these blogs included the words "oh yeah and I am still drinking". Less than ideal for a SOBER blog if you see what I mean. So I am still drinking now, not this very moment but in the evenings but I am not going nuts at myself about it. Knowing myself the way I do (I mentioned before I am a contrarian) I know that when I must do something, that is the very cue for me to not do it. Ridiculous!! I know. Anyway I have tried a few times and made 2, 3, 4 days only to cave on the next day.

Even as I type this out I was about to say how shameful it is to have to keep admitting that I am drinking and then remember that shame is a huge issue for me and then my brain goes off on some tangent thinking about "am I drinking to induce shame so then I can berate myself for drinking?" and so it continues in one big circle of thoughts, justifications and shame. However..... All is not lost. Despite drinking and the stop/start daily event, I am feeling really positive and my life is going very well and this new mindset (if it's not too early to call it that) is a major turnaround for me.

As I mentioned before I read Brene Brown's The Gift of Imperfection and it was a huge springboard for me. I applied for that job promotion at work but didn't get it and you know what? I had about 36 hours of feeling bitter and mean, vacillating between they are assholes to I am such a loser and I knew I would fail. In the end I realised that neither of these statements were true and having had a therapy session, luckily, on the day I found out I was not successful he merely stated 'you are sad, you have a right to be sad. That is an appropriate emotion to feel right now'. This tiny statement was huge for me because I normally would stew and twist and stew some more about how they done me wrong etc and I would be a wreck for weeks about it. I would also draw in anyone who would listen to my pity party story about how I was wronged and all of his would be so I could feel better about myself and not such a loser. As I was driving home from my session still flip flopping back between them vs me I would feel the waves of tears and emotion rise up and I just blurted out "I AM SAD" and I cried and I said it again and again. I also told myself that this was an appropriate emotion and I was allowing myself to feel it. ***BAM!!!*** This was huge, enormous, life changing for me. What Oprah calls an A-ha moment. Next day I was still a little bitter about it and to be honest I think I was more annoyed that I was emailed the outcome not called. We are a relatively small company and the email felt like a big kick in the teeth but..... using my new super power, I looked at it again and thought that maybe they had not thought I would be expecting a call and would have no idea I would be upset by this. That helped but I let go of resentment slowly and I am aware as I type this, there is still a small nugget that feels a bit put out but ultimately I am fine with it.

Moving in to a few weeks later and having attended our company update day I realised I have dodged a bullet and I am delighted not to have got the job. Listening to the current people in that role speak and proffer their visions of where the company is going and how they are going to get there, I thought "Jeez, that is not me or how I roll. Thank God I didn't get the job" As an aside, if you are wondering why I originally went for the job, it is because I was basing it on how our company has been in the past and this change seems to be part of a change in culture to a more corporate (yuk) way of doing things not the family style we have worked with since I started. Anyhoo, I am thrilled now I didn't get it.

So I can now say I have felt my feelings and they didn't kill me or consume me. Holding onto them in a tight and bitter way would have kept me in their grip for weeks but allowing them to just flow though and out of me meant the whole process took 36 hours not 36 days or heaven forbid 36 weeks! A small but massive achievement.

Other news I am reconciled with my sister after 3 years of polite conversation preceded by 5 years of silence. We are now back better than we have ever been before because in part I let myself be humble and admit that this was mostly my fault and apologising for the major role I played in this, like I said a minute ago I hold onto resentment and draw in anyone who is willing to go negative with me and shoot the other person down. My sister did have some part to play of course but overall I was the one who stopped contact. One thing I can say I realised or we realised is we have different ways of coping with things and this was the perfect blend for disaster. My sister's way of dealing with conflict is 'Ok I have annoyed this person I will leave them alone since clearly I am upsetting them' however my way of coping with conflict is 'This person has hurt me and I feel rejected. They now need to chase me and make me feel better'  like I said a recipe for disaster. We talked this out and we could both see how we have grown and matured and this willingness to share has helped to create a new friendship.

Phew! Sorry if you are still here, I have tried to cram several weeks worth of stuff in to play catch up.

In conclusion, I am a work in progress, I am happily still seeing my therapist, I am still not so happily drinking but I do feel a shift coming. That is not meant to sound like the justification/lying to myself it may be but I just know I want to stop drinking and know I want to stop for good and I feel more and more ready. If anyone wants to challenge me on that I would be delighted to hear it as I genuinely don't feel I am enabling myself but would be interested if you think I am.

I also have to say a huge thank you to everyone who said they enjoyed my blog and to come back no matter what. This meant a lot to me and I am a little shamefaced I didn't take the time to reply individually. I wanted to write so many times but didn't feel I was able to muster the strength. I am back now and will try and be a little better about it but no promises about frequency.

Big hugs to you all

Ginger Groundhog