Following in Anne at ainsobriety I started to spring clean the house, more of a deep clean really. I am a casual housekeeper, I stay on top of it mostly but don't always use as much elbow grease as I should. Saying that is progress for me cos usually I would say I am lazy and slovenly, which I am not but I used never to miss an opportunity to run myself down. My house is a bit neglected to be honest but that is a combination of being a single parent, working 40+ hours a week, having two dogs that I walk twice a day at 6.30 am and 5.30 pm before having to do all the sundry home stuff like laundry, dusting, vacuuming, dishes etc in addition to being 'man of the house' doing all repairs and diy and tending to both a front and back garden that need mowing and pruning and tending to. I can't afford to get people in to do most of the jobs so I google how to fix stuff and sort out problems "How to change washers on taps?" Most of the time I know if I am able to do something or not or if I need to bite the bullet and call someone. Electrics is about the only thing I haven't tackled yet (nor will I)
Why the long spiel about all of that? Well it is an excuse, a justification for why I think I relied so heavily on alcohol. There were days that I did loads and felt like I deserved a glass of wine and I would have one, yes one. That was when I first moved in 9 years ago. Sadly it morphed into a couple of glasses at the end of a Friday, Saturday and Sunday, which in turn morphed into a glass after work when I took a job in ........... I won't say the name of it but it was the absolute worst job of my life, soul destroying and as it turned out was against some of my morals and ethics. Due to the economy and me living in an area with high unemployment I was stuck for 2.5 years in a job I hated and felt was morally wrong. I tried where possible to maintain my integrity and help people within the system as and where possible but this led to an escalation of the drinking and general low mood. I took a very hefty pay drop £4000 to get out of there and have only just achieved the salary I left there on, 6 years later. By then my drinking was somewhat entrenched, a couple of glasses every night and a Be little more at the weekend. I maintained that level of drinking for about 4 years and even though I knew it was more than I should drink I rationalised that I was drinking the same as a lot of people. I remember seeing my doctor in the grocery store pushing her trolley along, positively jangling along so full of wine was it. I'm sure she would say she was having a party if I glanced her way.
Fast forward to about 2 years ago and I realised I was struggling with some effects of the wine, waking at 2.30-3.00 am tossing and turning for hours, waking up gasping for water as my throat was dry as a bone, headaches, hangovers, the worry that I might be over the limit in the morning for driving, the expense, the slow but sure awakening that it was a little bit hard to go a couple of days without a drink. I tried occasionally to stop for a few days or weeks and had some success here and there only to return a short while later to where I was previously. And well the rest up until now I am sure you can fill in yourselves. We all have similar stories about how we ended up here and apart from throwing in the towel on 5 great months of not drinking (I erroneously said 6 in previous posts, I think it was wishful thinking) I have been sipping and gulping away knowing that something has to change. My therapist said something the other day that really resonated with me, he said that drinking was a relationship for me because I would not/do not allow people close to me for fear of getting hurt. He said drinking was the "bad boyfriend" I kept going back to because even though it was soul destroying and devastating it was also familiar and (literally) intoxicating. Sounds so simple and silly but I think he is right. I have to learn how to re-engage with real people in the real world because I tend to withdraw and cut off for friends just when I need them the most.
For that reason alone I would like to say thank you to all you my virtual friends who are there when I don't have the courage, nerve or give a shit to engage with real people. Because of the time difference between some of us, hence the delay in getting the response, sometimes when I read the comments it is at exactly the right time and hits me just when I need to hear it. I value you all and appreciate that 'strangers' take the time to interact with me and I know it comes from a shared sense of caring and desire to help. I can't promise that my road to sobriety will be a straight one but I can say that it is the ultimate destination