I felt so positive about sitting down to blog tonight until I actually did it. That feeling of 'Oh my, I have to try and find a new and more believable way of saying this time I mean it'
That is the kicker though, each time I or any other sober wannabe sits down and says I'm on day 1 or day 2 again, there is that element of belief that this time it'll stick and that is how I feel tonight. I know I want this, like really want it and I know I CAN do it it's just a case of not picking up that first glass. Actually scratch that, it does start mid afternoon when the wine witch has sobered up enough to think 'yeah I can handle another round of wine soaked denial, but only tonight, tonight is definitely the last night'
It struck me that I have a long history of this denial and have done it with food, smoking and now booze. I am never more determined and pumped to quit than when I am actively engaged in said bad behaviour. For donkeys years when I lived in the States (and was much smaller than now) I would watch The Biggest Loser whilst eating my last ever bag of Dill Pickle Lays potato chips or crisps as we call them here in the UK. When I would plan to quite smoking I would be reading Alan Carr's (not the goofy tv host of Chatty Man fame) book on how to quit smoking, over and over again. Lastly I cannot be the only one who has browsed the sober blogs with determination in my mind and a wine glass in my hand. I am choosing to call it the The Last Ever Paradox.
So I am all plan, no action or little follow through at best. I plan and I read and I research but I don't DO and it is the DOING part that is the key part. All the plans in place for if I want a drink, read blogs, go back through my diary, go and sit for a while, play it through to the end, all go out the window and I make a sprint for the shop. The time between permission to drink and drinking is very short, probably so some reasonable part of my brain doesn't chirp up 'I say, weren't we doing the no drinking thing tonight?' But the voice of reason is getting louder and the message is always the same - I just can't keep doing this anymore.
So this weekend on top of all the daughter drama, which thankfully seems to be calming down (ahhh my poor girl) I was full on depressed and just sad and lonely and worried for my daughter and beating myself up for being a crummy mummy, even though I am not, and just generally sorry for myself for having to deal with it all. Saturday night I sat down and I drank and then Sunday when I woke up I wrote down exactly how I was feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and I wrote down how bad it was and how bad I felt. I did all this before the post lunchtime recovery period when it all starts to look good again and like it wouldn't be such a bad idea to go to the shop just one more time
Thankfully it didn't happen yesterday and it hasn't happened today. So the short term plan is simple when I start to think 'Oh come on how bad was it?' I can think BAD, it was REAL BAD!
So one more time... Ready steady BIG eye roll - Day 2 done.
Thanks if you are still with me and popping in to see if I made it past the first few days. I will get there by hook or by crook. I appreciate all the kind words and endless positive comments when really it must be hard to keep saying the same thing over and over.