I am so sad, so low and so utterly miserable. I have been fighting tears all day but welcoming the self hatred that is coursing through my body, mind and soul. I have caught myself in the depths of despair thinking if not now? When? And I don't have the answer!
How can I honestly say "today is the last day I will drink! The LAST of the last days!" Been there said that bought the t-shirt and then drank the next day. I feel like a loser, I feel like I have lost the run of my life and I am terrified as I don't know how to take the next step. Already the cynic in me is going "some smart ass is gonna just say 'don't drink, that's all!' And I'm gonna be like 'No shit Sherlock!'" So already in my mind I am attacking the hand reaching out to help me. I just feel so sad and despairing and worried for myself. I feel all alone and I have shut down to so many real world friends that I don't know where to turn. I don't know if this is "bottom" but I certainly feel it is deep down somewhere in despair. My life feels the smallest it has ever seemed. I wrote a post called The Chessboard (even this makes me sad 'cos I don't know how to insert the link to the post- more tears) about how all the squares of life are infiltrated by drinking and soon you are just stood on one square with nothing else in your life. That feels like my existence today, sad, lonely and in a prison of my own design.
I watched the excellent Louis Theroux 'Drinking to Oblivion' and while the majority of the audience were commenting about how sad it made them I related to two things; 1. When the young guy commented he wanted one more drink of vodka 'cos he liked how it felt going down his throat.' 2. How accepting Aurelie was of the nasty, scathing, derogatory and vile comments her boyfriend made about her. I don't have a boyfriend but I certainly relate to accepting "the crumbs" thrown at me 'cos I don't deserve any more. On an intellectual level I know I do deserve more but when you pass a certain point it is hard to get intellect and introspect to line up.
BROKEN! That is how I feel, how my life feels, how my future feels and all the promises I have made. The sadness I am feeling right now feels like it is going to break me apart even though I know it won't. I just feel despairing that I can't get out of this pattern and humiliation of daily resolution and then submission. Oh my heart feels like it is breaking! It breaks even more when I understand that I have landed myself here, no one else is gonna do it for you and it is gonna be a hard, dirty, long and challenging battle.
I am trying to just let the sadness wash over me, to let all the feelings bubble to the surface and know they won't kill me. I sit with the knowledge that I have let myself get to this point and I really only have myself to blame. All the wasted opportunity and years, a life unfulfilled etc it all seems so heavy and crushing. I want to hope but as I have said in previous posts, how many times can you say "this time it's for real" The desire to beat myself up about all of this is right at the forefront of my mind but ultimately I think my brain is desperately looking for a solution and catalyst to get me out of this swamp and despair can be the trigger oftentimes but then shortly down the road it meets denial and when despair an denial meet, it is often the slick, smarmy, cunning and deceitful denial that can thwart despair.
I am rambling now so I will stop. I am not sure what the intention of this post is but it is my way of connecting as my world, despite being surrounded by others has been a universe of ONE recently and only in semi anonymity can I reach out and share the secrets of my soul. Make of it what you will but this is me, raw and unsensored and somehow desperately trying to connect the dots to get out of this horrible headspace. Apologies this is all so very 'pity party for one'