Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Soooooo low, solo

I am so sad, so low and so utterly miserable. I have been fighting tears all day but welcoming the self hatred that is coursing through my body, mind and soul. I have caught myself in the depths of despair thinking if not now? When? And I don't have the answer!
How can I honestly say "today is the last day I will drink! The LAST of the last days!" Been there said that bought the t-shirt and then drank the next day. I feel like a loser, I feel like I have lost the run of my life and I am terrified as I don't know how to take the next step. Already the cynic in me is going "some smart ass is gonna just say 'don't drink, that's all!' And I'm  gonna be like  'No shit Sherlock!'" So already in my mind I am attacking the hand reaching out to help me. I just feel so sad and despairing and worried for myself. I feel all alone and I have shut down to so many real world friends that I don't know where to turn. I don't know if this is "bottom" but I certainly feel it is deep down somewhere in despair. My life feels the smallest it has ever seemed. I wrote a post called The Chessboard (even this makes me sad 'cos I don't know how to insert the link to the post- more tears) about how all the squares of life are infiltrated by drinking and soon you are just stood on one square with nothing else in your life. That feels like my existence today, sad, lonely and in a prison of my own design.
I watched the excellent Louis Theroux 'Drinking to Oblivion' and while the majority of the audience were commenting about how sad it made them I related to two things; 1. When the young guy commented he wanted one more drink of vodka 'cos he liked how it felt going down his throat.' 2. How accepting Aurelie was of the nasty, scathing, derogatory and vile comments her boyfriend made about her. I don't have a boyfriend but I certainly relate to accepting "the crumbs" thrown at me 'cos I don't deserve any more. On an intellectual level I know I do deserve more but when you pass a certain point it is hard to get intellect and introspect to line up.

BROKEN! That is how I feel, how my life feels, how my future feels and all the promises I have made. The sadness I am feeling right now feels like it is going to break me apart even though I know it won't. I just feel despairing that I can't get out of this pattern and humiliation of daily resolution and then submission. Oh my heart feels like it is breaking! It breaks even more when I understand that I have landed myself here, no one else is gonna do it for you and it is gonna be a hard, dirty, long and challenging battle.

I am trying to just let the sadness wash over me, to let all the feelings bubble to the surface and know they won't kill me. I sit with the knowledge that I have let myself get to this point and I really only have myself to blame. All the wasted opportunity and years, a life unfulfilled etc it all seems so heavy and crushing. I want to hope but as I have said in previous posts, how many times can you say "this time it's for real" The desire to beat myself up about all of this is right at the forefront of my mind but ultimately I think my brain is desperately looking for a solution and catalyst to get me out of this swamp and despair can be the trigger oftentimes but then shortly down the road it meets denial and when despair an denial meet, it is often the slick, smarmy, cunning and deceitful denial that can thwart despair.

I am rambling now so I will stop. I am not sure what the intention of this post is but it is my way of connecting as my world, despite being surrounded by others has been a universe of ONE recently and only in semi anonymity can I reach out and share the secrets of my soul. Make of it what you will but this is me, raw and unsensored and somehow desperately trying to connect the dots to get out of this horrible headspace. Apologies this is all so very 'pity party for one'

Ginger Groundhog


23 comments:

  1. Oh Ginger - so sorry you're so low. I too wonder how many times we can go round this cycle, but surely it's better than doing nothing and giving in completely? And do not apologise, this isn't a pity party, it's your blooming blog where you can say exactly how you feel. I will not be saying "just don't drink" as I know how bloody hard that is. But trying not to is pretty important I guess.. I'm sending you massive hugs. I hope you give it another try. Red xx

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    1. Thanks Red for the hugs and encouragement not to give up. You and I need to get going again for real. Glad you are back on the scene

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  2. I have been where you are so many times. I'm so sorry that you are struggling. I am at day 16 without a drink and now am grateful for all of those tries. I learned a little something each time that brought me closer to feeling freedom instead of dread when I stopped drinking. Keep trying. It's a cliche, but if I can do this, you can do this.

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    1. Keep it up Ripleybelle, I have seen you popping up in comments all over. I am glad that you are at day 17 now I guess. I do know what you mean about learning something new each time just hard to remember it when things seem bleak. Hope to see 17 days myself soon.

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  3. Oh Ginger, I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. It's awful being stuck in the drinking cycle, wanting to stop but not being able to. You just have to keep trying. You can do this. Don't drink today, and take it from there. Hugs. A x

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    1. Thanks Angie. No way could I drink today, day 1's are easy for me that is why I have so many of them ha ha. Seriously though I am just fed up of this cycle now. Heading to bed super early and have 5 days off work to regroup and hopefully do some spring cleaning.

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  4. Hi Ginger,
    I am so sorry you are feeling low.
    You are not a loser. You, like me, have an addiction.
    The addiction can make us feel like we have no worth.
    But you do. I do.
    Your life is worth getting sober for.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. It's the holding onto the idea that my life is worth it. I saw my therapist today and we did some really good work. Needless to say I was a soggy, sodden mess but I survived that and the day.

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  5. I can totally relate to the desperate sadness. Know that you are not stuck, you are not broken. I, on my impressive day 2, look to those who have achieved longer sobriety and listen to their words. You just need to work out the right combo of tools. Never stop trying Ginger. xxx

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    1. Love the name, it is an odyssey. I feel good about it today but that is after a cathartic boo hoo last night to y'all. Day 2 is impressive in that you have once again put yourself in the arena to do the work. I hope today is day 3 for you and there is no sadness for you. I will never stop trying, I don't want to just succumb to this and let it beat me.

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  6. Virtual hug, Ginger, you poor love. Think about that chessboard and just move one square at a time - baby steps. Think 'I can not drink for the next hour' and then move onto the next one. Every day try to make one, small positive change to your life (like buying a bunch of flowers). Eventually all those individual hours, and all those tiny changes, will add up to something miraculous....

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    1. I just realised I was about to go into a "yeah but...." and caught myself. I can be guilty of putting obstacles in my own way. I have started buying flowers for the house and have considered getting a manicure or pedicure as a proper treat as opposed to wine or vodka as a treat. Today I bought Sarah Heppola -Blackout as it had been on my wish list for a while. Today seemed appropriate to get it. Baby steps indeed and inching toward the miraculous not just hoping for the miracle to arrive.

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  7. That pain is so unbearable. Reach out for help any way you can.
    Clean the booze out of the house. Hide in the tub.

    I came across this for so,etching else today...maybe you can hear me?
    I was trapped in that same spiral. I was paralyzed with fear. Please, hear me. The other side, the sober side, is beautiful and bright. You are not losing anything. You are gaining your life.

    Here for you

    Anne

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    1. I never keep booze in the house and poured what remained away last night. I have what my friend calls "the horrors" today. Tired, cold, shaky and anxious. Thankfully the perfect blend to take to a therapist and we did do a lot of deconstructing the thoughts leading up to and following on from last night. We also talked about the fear of not being able to stop and yes that feeling of being stuck in self sabotage. I know there is a better way and a better life if I just allow myself to choose that instead. A work in progress.

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  8. Compulsion | ainsobriety
    https://ainsobriety.wordpress.com/2014/09/12/compulsion/

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    1. Jack straight from the bottle! I understand that compulsion, for me it all boils down to never enough, there is never enough of anything to fill the hole, make me whole.

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  9. Hey Ginger, you are definitely not alone. There is nothing that you feel that I haven't felt (and I suspect many others in our shared world). When we are not drinking it can be a terribly lonely, self-destructive place - usually at 3am in that sad hungover drunk time when the champagne bubbles have burst and your demons come and haunt you. Louis T's film was very revealing. Its like playing rugby (except its not a game). Never get isolated. You need some help, someone to share your fears with. We are part of your support network now. I am by no means experienced in this thing yet but finding this sober world of blogs was inspirational to me after more than a decade of stopping, starting, saying fuck it, I'll just keep drinking and accept the consequences. I thought there was; me, successful moderators, the unlucky drinkers who succumbed to related illnesses and full blown alckies (bottle of white lightening - park bench etc). What I didn't realise (or didn't want to) was the "me" category which actually seems to be a lot of "us" - one drink, one too many, the next ten, not enough. So you rant and rave as much as you need to - you are not alone. The path is hard, long, scary but you are not walking it alone and nobody will think any the less of you if you stumble. And if it all feels really bad, see what happens in Red's household at bath time, puke and poo everywhere (sorry Red).

    Be strong, take strength from this oddball bunch in virtual space but remember, we are real people and you are a human being and people do the most amazing things.

    Justonemore

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    1. It is good to know that I, we are not alone and I think I can say when I turn inward and seclude myself away, that is when I am most alone and despairing. I have a habit of withdrawing when something isn't right in the world and previously when I have said I enjoy seclusion I genuinely meant it. I think the difference is when I chose to go there as opposed to I have been forced to go there. With your name you will appreciate my comment about the young guy that wanted just one more time to feel the vodka going down his throat. Seems so vulgar writing that down sober but it is so true. I am glad you seem to be going strong and I see your name popping up all over, I need to follow your lead and keep commenting and engaged in this sobersphere. Thanks for the comment :-)

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  10. Hey Ginger- Glad you are writing I miss reading your words :)

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  11. Hi, I'm new to blogging...only day 6 here....one thing that struck me recently was an article I read by a guy who stopped drinking..for the most part. He logs his Alcohol Free time and his Sober Time. For him they are not one in the same. So his goal is to go forever Sober and Alcohol Free but if he screws up then it just starts over his AF clock, not the Sober clock. I don't know, maybe there is something to that. To not beat ourselves up too much, try again, try different things, find what works. Hang in there!!

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    1. Well done on 6 days. It's hard when you first start out and I know I am not the best example of how to do it. I LOVE the AF time idea vs Sober time, some of us do get so caught up in the day count, me included and forget that out of 10 days 7 were AF. thanks for your support and I wish you great success.

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