Tuesday, 31 May 2016

10/100 Ten is a delightful number

Well hello day 10. Where have you been for the last few months?

Back to work today and I feel good (not really about the work) and a great sense of achievement. I did loads of work in the house and garden but I didn't finish my list of jobs - I don't care because I did 80% of them! I did not drink over the bank holiday weekend I had 6 Becks Blue in 5 days and I don't care cos I didn't drink alcohol. In fact tonight I chose a cup of tea over a the AF beer as I didn't feel the need.

I am trying to keep positive and not let the voice of doom and gloom chirp up "you've been here before remember, don't get cocky, it can all end it a matter of minutes" every time I have a positive thought I get a bit scared and think I will jinx it (I even remember blogging about this before and then I did give in). I wouldn't say I am on the pink cloud because of the mood swings etc but I must say I am not struggling with cravings or a desire to drink. I am trying to strike a balance between remaining positive whilst being prepared for the mother of all cravings to coming storming down the line. I am however EXHAUSTED tired 24/7. Even at the weekend when I was drawing on all my reserves I just wanted to slink back off to bed and just lie there, sleep? maybe, doze? maybe, lie there and just think? maybe. Right now i am tucked up teeth brushed face washed and its 8.50pm.

The up and down continues so even though I am a bit flat and tired, I am happy that I am here on day 10 and feeling ready for the next. Thanks for all the lovely positive, funny and encouraging messages.

Ginger Groundhog

Monday, 30 May 2016

9/100 More hard work

Day 9 and still good but very emotional including a little weep this morning again. Worked my butt off in the garden try to trim a massive hedge with a small hedge trimmer and even smaller ladder. Highlight of the day was when said ladder started to tilt and fall and I threw the hedge trimmer into the hedge as I executed a Bruce Willis Die Hard dive and roll the opposite way to way the ladder was falling. Luckily I am such a poor gardener that my lawn is full of moss so I had a relatively soft landing, that and the years of accumulated excess wine calories evenly distributed around my butt, belly and thighs. No harm done, maybe a few bruises.

Back to work tomorrow, tireder than when I left on Weds but at least with a good sense of achievement from the house and garden. I may have worked too hard and not relaxed enough but I am starting to realise how lonely I am now the daughter is in loooove and spending all her time with him and none with me. If I keep working around the house it means I don't have to contemplate going out only to realise I have no one to go with. (I'm having a little pity party) All my friends are married and dual income so they tend to go away at the weekend or do something too costly for me.  I have made a coffee date with a friend on Thursday so hopefully that will be fun and there is the possibility of Sober friend coming down next weekend for a big chin wag. That would be so cool.

Tomorrow is day 10 and I feel good about that. No real cravings the last day or so but have had Becks Blue each night but I am cool with that. Hope all is well in your sober world.

Ginger Groundhog

Sunday, 29 May 2016

8/100 Blah Day

The day ran away with me and I am too tired to post but just wanted to say day 8 completed. Today was a little tough as it felt like there was something missing the whole day. Over ate a little but that was to avoid letting my thoughts take over.

Was going to have an early night but then my friend who has done a year sober called and we had a great old chat which really helped. She has offered to call me more often as she totally gets it and has walked the walk herself.

That's all for now.

Ginger Groundhog

Saturday, 28 May 2016

7/100 Short and sweet

End of day 7 and I am feeling good. No cravings at all today which I have only just realised as I type it out - wow!

My emotions are a bit all over the place, right now I am very content and reflecting on the day it has been good. I took my daughter into town and we stopped for coffee and a chat which was lovely. Compare and contrast that to this morning when I was in floods of tears drinking my coffee thanks to a post by SoberMummy Self Esteem, not that that was ever her intention. If you read the whole post it actually is really positive and ends on a high note, however I got stuck in the early part about low self esteem and consequently ended up (rolling my eyes 🙄 and doing air quotes) "getting in touch with my feelings" Luckily I was one cup of coffee in when this wave of emotion came on me and I was able to stay with it and feel the feelings. I also used the RAIN technique I wrote about previously  which stands for :
This seemed to work to some extent as I was able to cry it out a bit and move on without it taking over my whole day but I have to say it was a bit of a side swipe and I had no idea how much I would be affected by this. It is topic for another post or maybe not. Anyway SoberMummy gave me a gift with that post (although she may not see it that way ha ha) and I can take some time to reflect on what it meant/means to me.

A mixed bag of a day but overall 8/10 on day 7

Friday, 27 May 2016

6/100 Forever is actually a long time

Thanks to HabitDone for her post clarifying something for me.As Oprah says 'I love it when I see things in a different way and think, I have never thought about it like that before'

I have ALWAYS approached stopping drinking as being a forever thing. Just like smoking, I knew that when I quit I had to be done. For me there is no occasional cigarette at a party or in times of stress, I am a hard core smoker and one smoke and I would be back to a pack a day. Even now I have given myself a free pass on if I get a terminal diagnosis I will start up again. So, needless to say when I stopped drinking (each and every time it was with the intention of being done forever. My very best friend in the whole world quit drinking about 5 months after me (just about the time I started drinking again) and she said there was no way she could think about forever, she would just have to do it one day at a time. I said that no, for me it was a forever thing no ifs ands or buts. The thing is, that hasn't worked out so well for me.

This time around I am doing the 100 challenge and my attitude is very different, I am stopping drinking for 100 days and that is all I need to think about. Within each day I can focus on the next minute the next hour the next evening but I don't have to think about forever. Now this may seem obvious to some people, after all it is written all over the soberverse on various blogs. I have read it about 100 times myself but it has never really sunk in, it's like I am reading the words but they don't seem to resonate with me. After all, I am quitting forever so it's not about 5 minutes, it's about forever. But, and it's a big but this time it's like I finally get it, that all along these simple tips and well worn advice actually make sense to me. I know that sounds bizarre but I think it's like when a child is learning to read and they recognise the word DOG, you have pointed it out a hundred times already. Visually they know that word is dog but the change occurs when they understand that (phonetically) duh-oc-ger spells dog and it's like a light goes on and they can sound out other words too. That's how I feel right now, I recognised all these tips but now I know how to successfully use them. It's a hundred days, that's it, that's my goal.

Today I was odd jobbing around the house and took a trip to the grocery store, I got my Beck's Blue and then found my attention wondering over to the AF wine. I had a little think and decided I would try it again and see how I fared. Off I go doing the remainder of my shopping. Five minutes later I suddenly thought "ARE YOU CRAZY? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING. PUT IT BACK NOW!" and I did. I really didn't want to mess with what I have right now and get into that crazy obsessive drinkin thinkin. I also had to stand close to where my favourite drink is and my eyes were drawn to it but I turned away but not before I noticed it was still at sale price.

I am so pleased I took these extra two days off work, I really needed the rest and reset. All being well when I go back to work on Tuesday I will be at day 10 yay.

So day 6 was a good day and I have my feet up and my Beck's Blue by my side, Grey's Anatomy and The Good Wife set to play and really all is well in my world.

Ginger Groundhog

Thursday, 26 May 2016

5/100 Hard work and Sunburn

Wow what a day. I booked today and tomorrow off work as Monday is a bank holiday here so makes it a 5 day weekend.

Worked my butt off in the garden today 6 hours ending in a humongous bonfire. Guess what? I forgot to put sunscreen on ha ha I look like a strawberry. I am sure I will pay for that in about 2 hours.

Consequently I am shattered tired and this is all I am posting tonight. Having my second Becks Blue and then off to bed. I have to say the AF beers are proving a godsend to me at the moment as they are giving me that treat feeling and marking the end of the day. I have not had one every night but last night after I finished work it seemed like a good end to my work week and tonight during the bonfire it felt like I deserved it. I am still watching how this goes but so far it is working in my favour.

I am very proud of myself today I basically dug up a fallen down tree (admittedly a relatively small one) cut it up and have now burned most of it. I can't say 100% that I wouldn't have done it after a night of drinking as I do tend to push myself to 'prove' I'm not that bad but I doubt I would have managed to work as hard as long. Only worry I have now apart from the sunburn, is did I do too much. All or nothing me!

Goodnight lovely, lovely blogging buddies. I really appreciate all of the support and really feel you rooting for me this time.

Ginger (hence the sunburn) Groundhog

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

4/100 A Good Day

Today was a good day. Today I had very manageable cravings and I was able to master my thoughts successfully. Today I used several tools I have learned along the way. Firstly thanks to Haplesshomsteader for this post Big Baby which introduced me to RAIN, which I used today during a moment of anger rather than craving. However, using this principle I was able to sit with my anger and work through the stages until I was calm again. I spoke to my boss, who is a clinical psychologist and talked through a couple of personal observations that she was then able to help me expand on and  help me recognise other layers to it. Lastly mid dog walk again I realised I was stomping around totally caught up in my head and thinking when I stopped myself and did the 10 breathes to ground and centre myself. The rest of the walk was so much better.

Many of you will have read other bloggers talk about the sober toolbox and I have only really started to come around to this. Not that I didn't think it was a good idea just it didn't really fit well with me but all change now. I don't know if it is exactly what they are recommending but I have been collecting bits and pieces of things in a folders, quotes, blog posts, beautiful pictures, a chicken scratch letter I wrote to myself when more than a little tipsy, quotespirations as I call them, and other sundry little sayings or mantras that I have collected. Now I am 46 and a little bit of a dinosaur when it comes to technology, I get a lot of it but I am stil a IRL person so..... I am going to buy a scrapbook and start gluing in all these things I have printed off. I know I could have them on tumblr or Pinterest or blah blah (I don't know any others) but I need the real life version that I can grip hold of when I am  am in the midst of a blood curdling craving. I need to sit there and turn the pages and read the words, see the pictures and understand why I have taken the time to gather this all into one place. I am hoping this will be another distraction for the time it takes to move through the feelings and emotions and make it safely to 'dry' land. How many times have I just gone "ah fuck it" and walked out the door to the shop. If I can catch myself in that split second and realise I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS then I stand a good chance at getting further along the path. This is a tough thing we deal with.

I over ate today and I am trying not to get down on myself about it. I didn't eat junk but I ate too much normal food and I know that it is all part of filling that empty hole inside that people try to ignore. In Buddhism (please someone correct me if I am wrong and my apologies if I am) they talk about hungry ghosts with massive stomachs and tiny throats that are always miserable because they are wanting wanting wanting. I am trying to create more balance in my life that I can recognise when I am having a moment like this. It takes constant awareness to stay on top of it and I know I can only do that with the alcohol right now. I am overweight I know but the immediate and pressing issue is alcohol which in turn was making me fatter quicker as I would just eat whatever I wanted.  I know both of these issues for me are linked and I am moving toward a place of understanding them and know that compassion is the way forward in dealing with them. I will take today over Wednesday last week when I had to nap at lunch as I felt so rough. Today felt like.a step in the right direction.

Today was a good day and that is all I can ask for right now.

Ginger Groundhog

p.s. Can anyone tell me who posted the video (urgh that word again) that was motivational video and had Christian Bale trying to get out of a hole/cellar/prison. It was brilliant and I thought I had emailed myself the link or at least thought I would remember who posted it. If anyone remembers or it was you please comment. Also read Ripleybelle's latest post on Forgetting!! Seems like I have it too.

Tuesday, 24 May 2016


It is so late for me to be starting this but I wanted to check in and say I am still here. I decided to catch up on some blogs and leave comments, something I have been quite lax with recently.

I started reading a new blog http://shantiwantstobesober.blogspot.co.uk and she had a video (Gosh is that still the correct word?) about psychology but done in a really cool cartoon format drawn in real time. Go have a look.

Today was OK although I did get the major crave about 4 but rode the wave of emotions very well stopping at one point mid dog walk and not moving until I had taken 10 cleansing breaths. It was only then I realise how tense and wound up I was, I did it a few more times before I got home. Dinner was an impromptu steak dinner as it was 3 days out of date but such a beautiful thing and delicious, I always eat out of date food so no serious worries here. With dinner I had one Becks Blue, I seem to have done ok with AF beer but still don't dare try AF wine having tried it once only to the go buy REAL wine. Be careful of your triggers, some are fine others not just watch your behaviour around it and notice any compulsions.

In case you missed comments yesterday, myself, Red and TWTIK all signed up for Belle's 100 day challenge and I am quite motivated for the first time in ages. I have always resisted challenges and can be a bit defeatist but this seemed to catch me at the right time and I seized the chance. No regrets here and I hope the other two are still feeling good about joining.

Thank you for all the really encouraging comments yesterday, so lovely and wow did they help today.

Ginger Groundhog

Monday, 23 May 2016

2/100 Tell Tale Silences

If I were a betting person I would wager that in most cases newly sober wannabes who go quiet are doing it for one reason - they're drinking or have drunk. That is true for me I know.

Considering I have been trying to get some momentum since Boxing Day 2015 that is a lot of silence and a lot of day 1's. When I quit drinking in November 2014 apart from a few rough days in the very early stages I just cruised through to day 139 all easy breezy. Then quick as a flash I was at the store buying vodka and wine! It was planned as a one off in my head to just 'get it out of my system' and then jump straight back in to sobriety, easy peasy right? No, no, no, no. Since April 2015 I have been on and off thinking each time this would be THE time, this one would stick, this time it's different, this time I feel good, this time is easy, this time I feel positive etc etc etc and each time I have ended up detaching my brain from reality and thinking I would have one more goodbye session.

I read all the successes at day 30, 100, six month, one year, and I think jealously that that should be me and could have been me. It's all a bit petulant and pathetic never mind the fact that the reason those people made it successfully when I didn't is that they fought harder against the cravings and put in the hard yards to get there. Each time I give in recently there is a hollow quality to it, a feeling of 'oh, that didn't work!' and a realisation that I am not getting anything from it that  the feeling I crave is still eluding me. All I know is that there is no fun left in this obsession for me, it is now a bad habit that I have become accustomed to but it feels familiar even in the discomfort. I feel drawn to feeling better although sometimes as soon as I do feel better I either get scared of success cos it feels so unfamiliar or I subconsciously sabotage it and start to play the one more goodbye game.

Yesterday and today have been relatively easy with little or no thoughts. Day four is usually hard for me as I have several good nights sleep in and I feel my energy coming back. Tomorrow is day 3 and I am planning on getting home and dogs walked and then ticking off one of my 20 minute jobs done. That way I can end each day with a small but achievable task and get some sense of satisfaction. Tonight I did  2 jobs as I felt so good after ticking off the first and I still got to watch one show before tucking myself up in bed at 21.00.

Another day 2 but feeling ok.

Sunday, 15 May 2016

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

I have been in hiding. Isolated myself from everyone. Didn't even read blogs for about 5 days and was not going to post until I hit day 10, whenever that may be.

I have been working around the house today and forced myself to get on with jobs despite feeling a bit shaky and pathetic. I did what I wanted to do today and a little more. It was a beautiful day but I stayed inside except for my morning dog walk somehow not feeling I belonged in the big shiny happy world today - I will be fine tomorrow.

Thanks to Haplesshomesteader today for her Big Baby post : https://haplesshomsteaders.wordpress.com/2016/05/14/big-baby/
This was so helpful to me today and when I was contemplating bad food as opposed to more booze I used RAIN and changed both how I felt and my decision to go to the store. Small achievement but I'll take it.

Bed at 8 tonight. I am caught up on everyone's blogs now but selfishly have left very few comments. This is a bit staccato but I am in that mindset of  'here we go again' and 'this is so ridiculous' but I am writing regardless.

Will be nice to wake up tomorrow not having been run over by a truck. First time in seven days, so it was seven days off and seven days ON, I prefer the off and don't know why I allow myself to disengage my judgment and reason.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends,once more.

Ginger Groundhog

Saturday, 7 May 2016

Seven Days

I can barely keep my eyes open I am so tired. I worked hard today both physically and mentally.

I played a silly game today and don't know if I would have won had the universe not intervened on my behalf. There is this particular drink that I like and it was on promotion recently but in very short supply as of last week. I had this thought today, same as yesterday that if it was still there I would get this as a last time. I thought about this for hours but wasn't sure if I was going to be able to hold out or not. It was a bit like mental Russian roulette.

Sold Out! Thank goodness. I will never know if I would have gone for it or not. What I can say is the store was full of all kinds of other alcohol and I didn't give it a second thought. Also maybe I wasn't really as serious about it as I thought cos I know 2 other grocery stores in town carry it too at a slightly higher price and I didn't drive there to get it. 

The hope is the more days I have the harder it will be to give in. Please let that be the case, please.

I have nothing more in me tonight I just have to go to bed.

Seven days done.

Ginger Groundhog 

Friday, 6 May 2016

The Loudest Witch - Weekend Wine Witch

Well I made it to Friday a.k.a. Day 6 for me but I only made it home safely by sheer postponement.

The weekend wine witch came to visit and she was doing the major ear whispers all day, as the day went on they got louder and by close of business I was sold on her words. By some miracle I stayed in my head having the argument, shall I? shan't I? and managed to make it home.

I keep thinking I'll make this weekend the last one and then remind myself that I said that last weekend before I went to visit Pukesville, Barftown. I thought I'll get ready to quit Monday buying in healthy snacks and hot chocolate - then thought well I am here now sober on day six so why not just stay with this.

I need to watch some TV I have been reading blogs all week and I need to just binge on something and I have loads of shows to watch. Two Swedish dramas (I love Scandi drama) The Good Wife although she drinks too much and part of me wonders if they are building up to her being an alike. Greys Anatomy and a couple other ones I can't remember. Tomorrow should be the first sober Saturday in a while.

Going to put my jammies on now so I can't leave the house tonight, well not without a hassle.

Day 6

Ginger Groundhog

Thursday, 5 May 2016

Happy, is that you?

I had another good day today (crosses fingers, turns around three times, spits behind, and says Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice to ward of the bad juju that gets you whenever you say something positive) and I was productive, mindful and dare I say.... Happy 😀

Yep I was cheerful and positive and got lots of work done despite emails coming faster than I could action them. I took the bull by the horns and set up some meetings that everyone has been dragging their heels over and once again found myself in "the zone" and making major achievements all through the day. (Just had a wine flash as I was writing that). At the end of the day I stayed a few minutes late talking to a colleague back from maternity and we were having a catch up and I realised we had been laughing and joking. I felt like funny old bubbly Ginger, the one that has been notably absent of late, replaced by sullen,angry, barely functioning Ginger who only laughed to prove  she still could and therefore was normal. For those few minutes and still now I was reminded of how cheerful I used to be and how I was the funny one who would crack people up with my true but slightly embellished stories of days gone by. More recently I have avoided telling anyone anything for fear I would depress them or worse make them pity me. I really have been quite shut down and morose and it is only with this break in the clouds that I can see how much of my character had changed.

Today is day 5 and I have had two maybe three what I would call flashes where the thought of wine or vodka suddenly flares up and then is gone. It is much like thought of 'what shall I do for dinner tonight?' or a sudden craving like 'beef madras, mmm that would lovely' there and gone in a flash. Examining that a bit closer, say using the beef madras, it is whether we hold onto it and expand it. Along the lines of 'oh I haven't had a curry in ages, but I've already defrosted those chicken breast. Hmm, I don't really feel like chicken now, God I'd love a curry a lovely spicy beef madras, ooh with poppadoms and maybe a bhaji oh wow I can taste it. That's it I'm getting a curry, I'll have the chicken tomorrow.' as opposed to 'oh I haven't had a curry in ages but gosh I remember how it bothers my tummy now. Oh well I've already defrosted those chicken breasts'  Sometimes it is almost like sense memory flash and I almost smell the wine and see myself holding a glass. These thoughts just pop in and then gone, I realise I am lucky today cos sometimes I am bombarded and the resolve just goes. Even as I write this part of my brain is thinking 'won't you look an idiot when in x days you are saying I am back at day 1 again 🙁' - Crosses fingers, turns around three times, spits behind, and says.Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice!

I am riding this pink cloud if that's what this is for as long as the going is good but I am ever aware that the wicked witch of the wine could be flying stealth underneath my cloud and just waiting for the perfect moment to launch her attack. It's like I can't even allow myself to believe it's possible the fear of jinxing it is so prevalent.

Well for today I am happy and content and it feels like it's been a while - I deserve to feel like this! I deserve to feel good! And you know what. So do YOU!

Ginger Groundhog

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Walking back to mindfulness

Every day I have a perfect opportunity to be mindful for about 30 minutes because every day I walk my dogs first thing in the morning. Usually I head out somewhere between 6-6.30 am. It is still and calm, peaceful and very often the only thing you can hear is birdsong and the occasional passing car in the distance. There are very few people around if any and I can go days without seeing another soul on my morning walk. Depending which route I take I may see and hear the 2 Canada geese that have chosen a pond near me as their summer home. If I am lucky and the dogs are distracted I may see and make eye contact with a deer (this usually signifies an excellent day for me)

On days when I am present I can spot deer tracks, see bright red mushrooms or even yellow brain fungus (it's a real thing, look it up) and on the weekend when time allows I stop and take a picture. I notice the seasons and the ebb and flow of life. Every year I await the arrival of the Canada geese, look for the first blue robin egg shell, the first frog spawn in a pond or puddle. I marvel at sunrises and red sky by morning and occasionally,  I am freaked out every time I see it, the sun and the moon right next to each other on the same horizon - weird.  I live in a beautiful area of Cornwall and it has so much to see, do and marvel at. Sadly I only notice it on "good" days.

Most of my mornings however are spent like this; cursing myself for the night before, how much I drank, why did I drink, when will I learn, how stupid I am, how much of a waste this is, how I am ruining my life and health, what a crap mom I am, how bad I feel, how sick my stomach is, am I still drunk? will I get pulled over? how will I cope without a license? will I lose my job? gosh I hate my life, what a loser, how much work will I get done today, I hope my boss doesn't notice, what if I smell of booze, what if everyone knows and they talk about me all the time, how soon can I get back to bed, maybe I should call in sick, that's it last night was the end, no more I am done, this time I mean it, it has to be true, I can't keep on like this, this is such a struggle, I feel so bad all the time, another cup of coffee I'll be fine, maybe a Danish will help, am I walking straight, what if someone sees me, do I look drunk, why have I ended up here, when will this end, must get home and get my shit together- and I am back at the car, walk over !

How does that sound for relaxing first thing? All that is before I even shower and start the day and it is most days, not the odd one. It is like a negativity train rocketing through my head and it goes on and on.

Not today though. I made a conscious effort to remain centred and present and not to let my mind wander onto anything except the birds, the wind, the blue sky and my breathing. It kept slipping but I kept pulling it back to centre. And you know what? I had a great day. Full of energy, concentrating on the task at hand, remaining calm under pressure and really quit in the zone. Only day 4 today so no great proclamations but it was a good day today. I had one thought about wine, more of a 4 o'clock reflex but thought 'I am worth more than that' end of reflex.

So the plan is more of the same tomorrow. The big challenge will come on a rainy day, I hate walking in the rain so if I can change that mindset I will be onto a winner.

Ginger Groundhog

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Alcohol Free days -a different count

This is just a quickie as the day has run away with me and I am running late and getting tired.

All is well in my world and I feel pretty darn good today. First day back at work, busy as can be, and I'll say it again - waaaaaaaay too many emails after only two days off. 152 if you really want to know and ALL for me to action, crazy right?

Part if me feels I shouldn't feel this good because I went booze bonkers on Saturday night. Crazy time, looney tunes, off the rails stupidity. Got the panic on me that I needed to have [oh for goodness sake] one more goodbye and then I would start. Like I said crazy time. Even as I was drinking I kept thinking "this is just not working for me anymore" and of course now I am regretting writing those words cos I am frightened that by putting them out there it curses me with bad ju-ju and be jinxed into drinking again, ridiculous I know. Anyway not to be outdone by my good friend RedRecovers, https://redrecovers.wordpress.com, at about 3 am I startled awake realising 1. Someone had let a grenade off inside my skull and 2 My body was going to violently reject the excess alcohol so get up and run. Sadly or luckily I continued to throw up for the next 6 hours so a real case of 'poisoning'. I lost the whole of Sunday falling in and out of sleep and had to LIE to my daughter and her boyfriend when they came home in the afternoon that I had food poisoning.

So today is day 3 so to speak but thanks to a comment by HabitDone, thanks for this HD http://donewithmywinehabit.blogspot.co.uk  she referred to an article where the author was counting AF days rather than just days sober and it gave me a small silver lining in the sense that in 7 days 5 have been AF. I am not fully adopting this as the goal is continuous days with no silly "one last go" in-between but this helped a little especially since I can be all or nothing in the failure stakes.

I am happy today and bar one day at the weekend I had a great long weekend and got tonnes done around the house. I feel positive and energetic with no desire to drink, none. And for today and right now, I'll take it. I can fight and white knuckle it when I need to but today I am content.

Ginger Groundhog