Today was a good day. Today I had very manageable cravings and I was able to master my thoughts successfully. Today I used several tools I have learned along the way. Firstly thanks to Haplesshomsteader for this post Big Baby which introduced me to RAIN, which I used today during a moment of anger rather than craving. However, using this principle I was able to sit with my anger and work through the stages until I was calm again. I spoke to my boss, who is a clinical psychologist and talked through a couple of personal observations that she was then able to help me expand on and help me recognise other layers to it. Lastly mid dog walk again I realised I was stomping around totally caught up in my head and thinking when I stopped myself and did the 10 breathes to ground and centre myself. The rest of the walk was so much better.
Many of you will have read other bloggers talk about the sober toolbox and I have only really started to come around to this. Not that I didn't think it was a good idea just it didn't really fit well with me but all change now. I don't know if it is exactly what they are recommending but I have been collecting bits and pieces of things in a folders, quotes, blog posts, beautiful pictures, a chicken scratch letter I wrote to myself when more than a little tipsy, quotespirations as I call them, and other sundry little sayings or mantras that I have collected. Now I am 46 and a little bit of a dinosaur when it comes to technology, I get a lot of it but I am stil a IRL person so..... I am going to buy a scrapbook and start gluing in all these things I have printed off. I know I could have them on tumblr or Pinterest or blah blah (I don't know any others) but I need the real life version that I can grip hold of when I am am in the midst of a blood curdling craving. I need to sit there and turn the pages and read the words, see the pictures and understand why I have taken the time to gather this all into one place. I am hoping this will be another distraction for the time it takes to move through the feelings and emotions and make it safely to 'dry' land. How many times have I just gone "ah fuck it" and walked out the door to the shop. If I can catch myself in that split second and realise I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS then I stand a good chance at getting further along the path. This is a tough thing we deal with.
I over ate today and I am trying not to get down on myself about it. I didn't eat junk but I ate too much normal food and I know that it is all part of filling that empty hole inside that people try to ignore. In Buddhism (please someone correct me if I am wrong and my apologies if I am) they talk about hungry ghosts with massive stomachs and tiny throats that are always miserable because they are wanting wanting wanting. I am trying to create more balance in my life that I can recognise when I am having a moment like this. It takes constant awareness to stay on top of it and I know I can only do that with the alcohol right now. I am overweight I know but the immediate and pressing issue is alcohol which in turn was making me fatter quicker as I would just eat whatever I wanted. I know both of these issues for me are linked and I am moving toward a place of understanding them and know that compassion is the way forward in dealing with them. I will take today over Wednesday last week when I had to nap at lunch as I felt so rough. Today felt like.a step in the right direction.
Today was a good day and that is all I can ask for right now.
p.s. Can anyone tell me who posted the video (urgh that word again) that was motivational video and had Christian Bale trying to get out of a hole/cellar/prison. It was brilliant and I thought I had emailed myself the link or at least thought I would remember who posted it. If anyone remembers or it was you please comment. Also read Ripleybelle's latest post on Forgetting!! Seems like I have it too.