Tuesday, 7 June 2016

16/100 Special/Memorable/Lucky Days

Day 16 and I was reminded when replying to comments that I always used to have a thing about memorable dates or significant dates. January 1st, how cool, 02/02, cos it was a nice mirror date, Easter Sunday, and then Easter Monday, 1st April, All fools day 'cos I am no longer the fool, my daughter's birthday cos she deserves a sober mom, July 4th, my own personal Independance day and soooooooooo many Mondays, the biggest one of all....... Anyway you catch my drift. There was always some special/memorable/lucky day to quit on, except for the last few times when I would just stop cos I knew I had to stop.

So this time I have no idea of the date I stopped. I could easily look it up or work it out but for now I don't care cos I am literally only focusing on today, the next hour the next right thing as I read in another blog the other day. That is a massive change for me, I am no longer looking to the future but focusing on the here and now which links in with the whole mindfulness and staying centred and grounded (gee I wish I remembered that on Saturday when I was climbing the walls)

I have also become aware, having my friend here, that I have completely lost the art of conversation. Day to day I sit in an office by myself and I come home largely to an empty home as daughter is frequently out and about. My friend is always good company and is a 'chatter' and in truth I think I used to give as good as I got. Not now, I think I am a 'ranter' which gives the impression you are conversing but all you are really doing is spewing anger and vitriol about the place in lieu of meaningful considered opinion. I have in other words become a BORE!

Last night I became very aware of all of this when annoyed by my daughter I sat stony faced and sullen for about two hours unable to enter the conversation because a) I couldn't think of anything to say b) I was stewing about how my daughter had "ruined my evening" c) I was swimming in exhaustion and d) I couldn't be bothered to talk.  I mumbled something to my friend (who was slightly getting on my nerves with her ability to seemingly do everything perfectly) about how I must be ruining her visit and that I was painfully aware I was trapped in some toddler/teenage/middle age tantrum and incapable of digging myself out right now. Luckily my friend pointed out that I am 16 days into not drinking and bound to be moody and struggling, just let it go. God I HATE HER.

I realised that I was really angry and really tired so better call it a night and graciously and maybe gratefully my friend agreed. She reminded me that I needed to be a little kinder to myself and take time to be selfish for a while until I feel a bit more like the old me. Who on earth is that? Anyway I took myself and my hatred for my daughter, my friend and my life to bed and maybe fell asleep in 4.5 seconds - I remember adjusting my hair away from my face and then nothing.

Funnily enough I have woken up this morning deathly tired but with the realisation that I don't want to kill and torture both of them like some gruesome scene from Game of Thrones and that maybe, just maybe I was the one overreacting last night.

Ginger Groundhog

12 comments:

  1. Don't be too hard on yourself - as your friend says, it's early days. Although I fully appreciate how annoying it is to hear that when everything is getting on your nerves! Hope you have a better day today. xx

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    1. Fab day today and friend said my strop was minor and she knew I was tired and stressy. Trying to not be too hard on myself but previously was my default setting. I am a work in progress.

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  2. IH is right, don't be too hard on yourself. What you are doing is bloody hard and there will be days when everything gives you the shits!! I certainly have days like that! Be kind to yourself and I hope today is a better day. A x

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    1. I feel lighter after the weekend and happy to be back on track and no cravings, thankfully. Another good sleep tonight and I should be grand.

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  3. Personally I think you are awesome!!! You are inspiring me to keep going. Day 2 for me. Can't wait for day 16! :)

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    1. Go, Joni! Day 16 will come faster than you think!

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    2. Gosh thank you Joni. It is very hard for me to hear compliments but I really appreciate you saying so. Keep going, I know it sounds hard to do but it is true. Thanks for reading and commenting. Keep commenting on blogs as somehow it does help and takes up time when you would be drinking. Everyone has different but useful things to say and one might just hit you harder than anyone else's. I wish you great success.

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  4. Great job, Ginger! I echo the above. You are entitled to be moody and the mood passes. So great you don't know on what day you started. I don't know either, just know every Sat ends another week! Keep posting, day 16 is awesome!

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    1. I keep referring back to yours an Ripleybelle's and SA53 blog to see where you all were on the same day. When I really started reading blogs again you 3 were the new kids on the block. So between the 3 of you I got remotivated. So thank you.

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  5. Ok, well I finally made it over to your blog. I am always so wrapped up in my own head, my own blog, that I rarely look at anyone else's. I am on day 2...again. I have tried and tried and tried to control my drinking and have blogged about it for the past 5 years. You sound so much like what I think and share all the time. I always thought I was different, that my struggle was somehow unique and that I wasn't like everyone else. It is kind of enlightening to read other people typing the same things I am thinking. It seems a little less lonely...

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    1. Hi Ksusier i think the beauty of blogging and reading other people's is that you do get the feeling you are not alone, not crazy, not a freak or weirdo, not the only one who is being eaten up alive by this obsessive, compulsive way of being. I read loads of blogs as it does give me that perspective on other peoples past drinking and what they did to stop as well as how are they dealing with the here and now. I said to Joni above that for me commenting help, not sure why but it does and if you notice the ones who comment the most seem to have great success. It's like a new cross addiction. I doubt I will post every day for the rest of my life but I committed to the 100 day challenge and this is keeping me accountable. When I woke this morning and realised I forgot to post last night I thought everyone will think I drank. Do what works for you but the support on the blogs is awesome but you gotta let people know you are there. Good luck and I am delighted you commented.

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