Day 16 and I was reminded when replying to comments that I always used to have a thing about memorable dates or significant dates. January 1st, how cool, 02/02, cos it was a nice mirror date, Easter Sunday, and then Easter Monday, 1st April, All fools day 'cos I am no longer the fool, my daughter's birthday cos she deserves a sober mom, July 4th, my own personal Independance day and soooooooooo many Mondays, the biggest one of all....... Anyway you catch my drift. There was always some special/memorable/lucky day to quit on, except for the last few times when I would just stop cos I knew I had to stop.
So this time I have no idea of the date I stopped. I could easily look it up or work it out but for now I don't care cos I am literally only focusing on today, the next hour the next right thing as I read in another blog the other day. That is a massive change for me, I am no longer looking to the future but focusing on the here and now which links in with the whole mindfulness and staying centred and grounded (gee I wish I remembered that on Saturday when I was climbing the walls)
I have also become aware, having my friend here, that I have completely lost the art of conversation. Day to day I sit in an office by myself and I come home largely to an empty home as daughter is frequently out and about. My friend is always good company and is a 'chatter' and in truth I think I used to give as good as I got. Not now, I think I am a 'ranter' which gives the impression you are conversing but all you are really doing is spewing anger and vitriol about the place in lieu of meaningful considered opinion. I have in other words become a BORE!
Last night I became very aware of all of this when annoyed by my daughter I sat stony faced and sullen for about two hours unable to enter the conversation because a) I couldn't think of anything to say b) I was stewing about how my daughter had "ruined my evening" c) I was swimming in exhaustion and d) I couldn't be bothered to talk. I mumbled something to my friend (who was slightly getting on my nerves with her ability to seemingly do everything perfectly) about how I must be ruining her visit and that I was painfully aware I was trapped in some toddler/teenage/middle age tantrum and incapable of digging myself out right now. Luckily my friend pointed out that I am 16 days into not drinking and bound to be moody and struggling, just let it go. God I HATE HER.
I realised that I was really angry and really tired so better call it a night and graciously and maybe gratefully my friend agreed. She reminded me that I needed to be a little kinder to myself and take time to be selfish for a while until I feel a bit more like the old me. Who on earth is that? Anyway I took myself and my hatred for my daughter, my friend and my life to bed and maybe fell asleep in 4.5 seconds - I remember adjusting my hair away from my face and then nothing.
Funnily enough I have woken up this morning deathly tired but with the realisation that I don't want to kill and torture both of them like some gruesome scene from Game of Thrones and that maybe, just maybe I was the one overreacting last night.