Saturday, 18 June 2016

28/100 Four Weeks and counting.....

Day 28 and it has been a mixed bag of emotions today, kind of like the weather and having four seasons in one day I have had the run of emotions. Happy, sad, depressed, content, weepy, positive etc all rolled into one day

Happy/content/positive that I have made day 28 relatively easily. I know I have had one or two rough patches but have come through in fairness easier than I expected. I am content in the day to day aspects of life, I am not living high on th hog or sailing through life but overall I cannot complain. Positive that I am on the right track and moving forward feel determined to crest and shape a better life for myself.

Sad/depressed/weepy that I find myself feeling lonely and alone. My daughter is 18 this week so I was out buying her some presents as she will be going to London as her main present, but the joy of finding her nice things was overshadowed by feelings of how much better I could have/should have done for her. Also this will be the first birthday day that I will not be with her. Depressed that now she is growing up I feel so lonely and seeing other people as couples made me feel quite low but then I would catch myself in a pane of glass and my mind would jump on it "look at the state of you, no wonder you are alone" and then the combination of all of those negatives made me weepy. I am not always so negative but today it all sort of ganged up on me

Thoughts of drinking were more along the lines of how I wished I could have a drink to help me escape these thoughts but then got weepy again thinking that this was how I ended up here with all these thoughts. Catch 22 anyone? So not cravings but a kind of mourning that albeit temporary and detrimental that way of short circuiting my feelings is not on the table anymore.

OH MY!! I am having an epiphany as I write this, as Oprah would say an A-HA moment..... I just have to FEEL my FEELINGS **smacks forehead with realisation** Really, I have been up and down all day and just feeling discombobulated, so much so that I didn't want to post cos I felt it would be too moany and even thought maybe this is just how I feel on Saturdays now. Literally as I was writing I just thought how tough it was today to go through all that emotion and then I realised the words that everyone talks about were happening to me, I have read them hundreds of times but had not processed it further than 'oh yeah feel your feelings'  Oh I feel so much lighter now I have run that thought through to the end.

So here I sit now Becks Blue in hand, Danish crime drama ready to play, feet up and still a bit out of sorts but I am content to just let whatever comes wash over or through me, it won't kill me after all.

Ginger Groundhog

8 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Thanks for commenting, I did get to read this. I hope you are ok and come back another time 😊

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  2. I'm sorry you are feeling down. Feelings are hard. I still struggle a lot with feelings. I hope your daughter has a lovely birthday. Wow 18! I hope she has a lovely birthday and that you feel better soon. A x

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    1. You are working through them as well Angie. That is all we can do really just take them as they come but I am ok. I have been WAY worse when drinking and the feelings come with realisation and move on quicker than if I doused them with wine.

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  3. That's a great AHA that you got. It is hard feeling those feelings. Especially the low ones. I'll take anger over sadness any day.

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    1. I love a good a-ha moment and used to love it when Oprah made a big deal about getting something new from something we all assumed was obvious. When she used to say "I never thought about it that way before, it opened up in me that I could see things differently too. Anger was my default setting but I think I used to to cover the other feelings.

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  4. Oh the irony of all the catch 22's drinking has put us in.. sorry you've been feeling glum, but overall really, you're taking the best positive step towards improving things by not drinking. Love that you've got to 28 days, that's amazing, you seem to have just powered through it Ginger! I hope you enjoyed your evening.. and are enjoying a nice clear headed Sunday morning as am I. Red xx Ps which Danish drama are you watching? I love 'em. Xx

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    1. Currently watching Dicte, but anything Scandi, Norwegian Danish I love love love. It's the subtitles, I have to actually watch them, not listen whilst looking at my iPad. I don't know if I have powered through or just had a lucky streak, I feel so very much different this time around. Hope you are ok bud.

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