Day 29 and I think I had a drinking dream. The reason I sound unsure is I wasn't drinking in the dream, even better I was tending to my sobriety.
I was with a group of people I don't know IRL but I feel we all worked together. We went to an old pub with lots or dark wood (that's not relevant but it gives you a feel) and as soon as I walked in I could smell the old spilled booze in the carpet and the cigarettes from years ago. I felt slightly on edge and jumpy but was making a huge effort to look cheerful and bright. Everyone congregated at the bar of course (I should add here that IRL I hate pubs and bars and have never really enjoyed the atmosphere. Most of my drinking was done in restaurants, dinner parties or home alone.) in the corner one of the girls I worked with found an open litre bottle of vodka with a bar pourer in it, not an optic but a pourer. All I remember saying was something along the lines of oh good for you, don't drink too much and for god's sake keep it away from me. I remember being a bit worried and triggered and making some lame excuse and leaving.
So it seems like even in my deep conscious/subconscious I realise that if I feel triggered I need to get away. I think to me this shows that this time I really do mean it. You know what I mean, there are times when we quit where we are doing it almost going through the motions rather than committed to it. We want to quit but deep down we know we will give in at the first excuse.
I feel a bit weepy again this morning but again I am putting this down to mourning the loss of one of my "coping" mechanisms and that I am going to have to live through this discomfort for a while. All those things I was feeling yesterday have been there for years but I have always been able to drink them away or direct my attention to feeling tired/ill/hungover or stressed to avoid looking at them. Last time I quit I think I didn't dare look at anything for fear it would trigger me drinking, imagine me as the proverbial monkey with his hands over his eyes, ears and mouth, either things didn't come up or I was just so in denial about them I blocked it all out. This time I feel I have swung the other way and I am living it raw as all these emotions come bubbling up and I have to face/deal with that feeling. Tough as it is and may prove to be, this feels like a far better way of dealing with it. Someone once said to me that I 'psychologically lived out loud' and I think it was meant at the time as a slight insult i.e. keep your feelings and thoughts to yourself. This is why I apologise and sometimes worry that I over share but I feel less like that these days 1. Because I have had some lovely comments from people and selfishly 2. I feel like this is really helping me get to grips with my self. I am more honest here than in any area of my life and except for swearing it us relatively unfiltered.
In the last 29 days I have examined more closely than ever before all the reasons I drank and how day to day life affects me and my moods. I notice all the things that bubble up even if it is after the fact when I am writing it here. Blogging and trying to find things to say has given me the reflection I need at the end of the day to step back and see how I felt about things because having to try and write it down in a comprehensible manner means you have to sit with things for a while and looking for the language to describe it gives you moments of huge insight, in my opinion. Try it even if you don't make it public, write it as if you were going to share it and then just don't. Today I will literally be staring at white walls as I decorate so will be doing some reflection today no doubt.
Here's to living psychologically out loud.