Wednesday, 22 June 2016

32/100 Rough day

Day 32 and it was a rough one. This is gonna be brief because part of me just wants to watch a to show and numb out on that.

Today I wanted to drink. I wanted to numb out, I wanted to just blow this whole thing off and forget about it. I wanted to get drunk and everything be damned. I felt not good enough so what is the point of carrying on doing this boring, mundane sobriety shit, what is the point when I feel like this? I'm never gonna be happy and all this is just a waste of time. And more thoughts like that all day.......

Then I did something I have not done before, I text my sober friend and told her all this. She was willing to drop everything to talk immediately. I said that it was ok we could talk later and I was just angry and bored with this whole thing and was acting like a spoiled child and I didn't care either. We agreed to talk later and I promised I would call her.

Later on my friend called me as she had just received my latest text and was very confused. I text her " I'm in B&Q (a hardware/homewares store) What do you think of this silver glitter wallpaper in juxtaposition to the exposed granite stones?" She was waiting to save my sobriety and I had moved on.

Why am I telling you all this? Cos it is 9pm and I am still angry and miserable and frustrated that I am not drinking and bored and aggressive and tearful and lonely but I AM NOT DRINKING. I feel like this now and I might feel like this tomorrow but once again through all this crotchety cantankerous childishness I did want to drink but I didn't drink. I even wrote my 'Guess what? I fell off the wagon' post in my head but I don't need it.

There are people that take to sobriety like a duck to water and there are people that kick and scream and bitch and moan about it despite knowing it is the right thing to do.  I am the latter. Lastly I will say that through all of this angst filled day I knew deep down that nothing would be better if I drank, nothing. Didn't stop me acting like a big spoiled baby all day though.

Ginger Groundhog

24 comments:

  1. You rode a big massive fuck off craving on day 32.
    I salute you.
    SO x

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    1. Lovely to hear from you SO, I just checked in on your blog too. Glad you are back posting. I tell you it is not all sunshine and roses but the promise of a better future seems to be keeping me on the wagon.

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  2. You, my friend, are Khaleesi. Mother of Dragons. Tomorrow is another day, and you're going to feel amazing xxx

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    1. I feel more like Puff the Magic Dragon tonight but yes Khaleesi seems more appropriate. Thanks SM

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  3. You are a rockstar. Despite the sandpapered soul you stayed strong. Way to go!!

    Staying sober sometimes sucks a lot...but drinking -because- of all those negative emotions sucks way worse the next day. You WILL feel amazing tomorrow and should get yourself an "I survived Day 32" treat of some kind!

    Big transatlantic hugs.

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    1. Ha ha I like the I survived day 32 idea. I feel calmer since posting then ranting to my friend. TransAn hug back at ya.

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  4. Well done Ginger for getting through a difficult day. You did it!! Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully will be a better day. The important thing to remember is that drinking is never going to make a bad situation better. That's what I keep telling myself when I am feeling shit. Congrats on day 32!! A x

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  5. You did it! You rode the day out! Day 32 is OVER! You beat it! Carry on! xo

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    1. I am just happy that this time I am fighting the craving instead of giving in.

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  6. Lol, that is EXACTLY how I felt at the airport 2+ weeks ago. So proud of you for getting through it!! The mood swings are crazy aren't they??

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    1. Yes I thought of you and you 300 hour delay and monster craving. We just gotta keep strong.

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  7. Ugh. I have had those day long issues too recently. I get bored easily then race ahead. Yes, being sober can get boring. As our days get longer it can be harder to remember the point of it all. I'm so glad you have that friend to reach out too. She really wanted to help. That's beautiful!

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    1. That really was the time I thought 'just for today, not drink just for today' and I hated it but I did it.

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  8. You can moan, bitch, shout, cry and totally spit your dummy out if thats what it takes to get through your shit day because you know what? You didn't drink. Well done xxx

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    1. Tick, tick, tick an tick to the above. Yes the Veruca Salt in me was in full swing I must say.

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  9. You make me laugh Ginger, your sense of humour is fabulous. I too am often crotchety (how I love that word). You're such a fighter, you're doing incredibly well. Keep on not drinking. Red xx

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    1. Thank you Red. Good to know that there is still a gram of humour left in me.

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  10. I have days like that too. Other days are good. I guess we just have to go with it, hang in there, and know it will pass. PDTG

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    1. It really is a pendulum swing. Good and bad. I seem to be stuck in a craving state for now but I had a pretty easy start so it was bound to happen.

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  11. Hi Ginger!
    That was a big urge and you kicked it to the moon!
    I sometimes, when I was trying to get sober the third time, would scream in my car.
    I was angry too. I did not do this because I was all happy about it.
    I had to, as I had humiliated myself at my yoga studio, and it was hideous.
    The gig was up for me.
    But I did a lot of kicking and screaming before that.
    Are all my days peaches and cream?
    No, but I can tell you, I am slowly coming to a place of peace about being sober.
    It's not crazy drunk fun, which became not fun, but it is good.
    I have realized I can't chase a high by being high.
    Does that make sense?
    Keep on going.
    Never give up.
    I'm with you.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Yes it makes perfect sense about the high. The Chinese have an expression about opium, chasing the dragon and it is about never being able to achieve that initial euphoric high. I may try screaming in my car though ha ha let the anger out.

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  12. Brilliant work getting through the mother of all cravings! You should give yourself a pat on the back !! I had a complete paddy the other day because we had the wrong kind of fizzy pop and I would have done anything for a bottle of wine, but it passed by the next day !! But I was abit embarrassed that I had been acting like a spoilt brat ! All that matters is that you didn't take that first drink !! Awesome work !!

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    1. It does help WM to know that I am not alone in my petulance. Luckily or unluckily I was alone for my bratish behaviour so only I knew but still it shows when push comes to shove where my mind goes. Hope you fairing better these last few days.

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