Day 32 and it was a rough one. This is gonna be brief because part of me just wants to watch a to show and numb out on that.
Today I wanted to drink. I wanted to numb out, I wanted to just blow this whole thing off and forget about it. I wanted to get drunk and everything be damned. I felt not good enough so what is the point of carrying on doing this boring, mundane sobriety shit, what is the point when I feel like this? I'm never gonna be happy and all this is just a waste of time. And more thoughts like that all day.......
Then I did something I have not done before, I text my sober friend and told her all this. She was willing to drop everything to talk immediately. I said that it was ok we could talk later and I was just angry and bored with this whole thing and was acting like a spoiled child and I didn't care either. We agreed to talk later and I promised I would call her.
Later on my friend called me as she had just received my latest text and was very confused. I text her " I'm in B&Q (a hardware/homewares store) What do you think of this silver glitter wallpaper in juxtaposition to the exposed granite stones?" She was waiting to save my sobriety and I had moved on.
Why am I telling you all this? Cos it is 9pm and I am still angry and miserable and frustrated that I am not drinking and bored and aggressive and tearful and lonely but I AM NOT DRINKING. I feel like this now and I might feel like this tomorrow but once again through all this crotchety cantankerous childishness I did want to drink but I didn't drink. I even wrote my 'Guess what? I fell off the wagon' post in my head but I don't need it.
There are people that take to sobriety like a duck to water and there are people that kick and scream and bitch and moan about it despite knowing it is the right thing to do. I am the latter. Lastly I will say that through all of this angst filled day I knew deep down that nothing would be better if I drank, nothing. Didn't stop me acting like a big spoiled baby all day though.