Monday, 27 June 2016

37/100 Paying the price

Day 37 and I will admit defeat. I pushed too hard this weekend and I am paying for it. My body is wrecked, bruised, aching, creaky and covered in patches of damp proof paint similar to gloss paint.

The 'big revel' was a bit of an anticlimax as on top of the super long days I had to drive an hour and 15 to go get them from the bus and by the time we got back it was 12.30am and we were both barely awake. It went a bit like this but please don't add any happy inflection, think flat dull monotone
daughter 'mom you did my whole room. It looks amazing'
me 'didn't get to do the ceiling and look at this wall it's all uneven'
daughter 'still looks great'
me 'yeah I suppose'
us 'goodnight'

So not the great emotional 'Extreme Makeovers' moment I hoped for but by then I was too tired to care. Stepping back today it does look good and as ThirstyStill commented perfect only exists for a moment. Within a week or so there will be scuff marks on the walls and some strange mark on the ceiling no one will know how it happened or what it is. I did it to make her happy and input my heart and soul into it. I wouldn't have managed it in between drinking in the evening and might only have done one coat of paint and not got the imperfect bloody wall as good as I did mange to get it. I can live with that imperfect wall because I did my best, I gave it all I had and I could have done no more.

This was for me some kind of penance for all the half assed, sloppy, barely good enough crap I have made my daughter put up with over the years. She doesn't know all that but this was my way of saying 'You deserve this time spent on doing it properly. You deserve a lovely bright finished room you can proudly have your friends in. You are good enough for me to dedicate my blood, sweat and tears to. And I am sorry for any times you may have felt your needs/wants were postponed, delayed or forgotten because I had a glass of wine I prioritised over you. Please accept this as a small token of my apology for not doing this regularly and without complaint. You just deserved better'

Hopefully she will feel a little of that coming from the corners and cracks.

Ginger Groundhog

25 comments:

  1. She will notice, she will be noticing the difference in you; even if nothing is said. Congratulations on 37 days. Awesome work Ginger. x

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    1. Thanks SO. She has told me she is proud of me but it is hard to hear from your child.

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  2. If you were still drinking you might never have picked up the paint brush ! And 'it looks amazing' and 'it's still great' from a very tired daughter is lovely !! Decorating is hard work, so be kind to yourself and chill for a while before your new project. Xx

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    1. Ha ha that you realise there is another project afoot is telling. Yes there are plans to do the next bedroom. I have done more in the last 3 months than 8 years. I will take a break for a few days I promise.

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  3. You should tell her exactly that. I expect she will overflow with love and gratitude.

    Pat yourself on the back. You did a nice thing. Great job.

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    1. Thanks Anne. I am still a bit embarrassed when talking to her about this as I feel shame about how I was. She is good about it but I feel like I want to pretend it never happened.

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    2. There is no rush, but part of the 12 steps is making amends because pretending things didn't happen doesn't mean they didn't happen.
      You would probably be doing her a huge favour. Plus, it may open up dialogue around drinking and health.

      Some day it will feel ok. For now, know she sees you are doing great. Kids see everything!

      Anne

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  4. Ginge, for fucks sake, just sit back and take some praise - you have done something good - revel in it - two things actually. You've created something good and not had a fucking drink for 37 days .......... three things - you've communicated on a different level with your daughter. All sounds awesome to me. Pat yourself on the back - do something rewarding (that doesn't involve booze). I think you are doing inspiring stuff and your writing helps me in my battle.

    Justonemore

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    1. I think we all struggle here to accept praise, not sure about everyone else but I very often make light of what I have done or make out it wasn't a big deal. I am aware of it and try to accept it. My treat tonight is Chinese with the daughter to celebrate her birthday together.

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  5. Congratulations on 37 days! You rock! Thanks for the inspiration.

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  6. What a lovely thing you did. Made me feel all tearful x

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    1. She totally deserves it and even if she doesn't feel hard done by I feel like she could have had more.

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  7. You are full of awesome...Day 37 and all that painting! That's wonderful, Go You!

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  8. Hi Ginger!
    I am very impressed! I don't paint because, well, there is more paint on me than the walls!
    Your daughter was happy!
    You are doing a wonderful thing for her by committing to being sober!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. You might laugh if you saw just how much paint is still on me. My colleague was laughing at how much is on my toes and heels and asked did I even use a brush.

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  9. What a beautiful tribute to your daughter and relationship you'd like to have moving forward. Time for you to rest.

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    1. She is such a good girl I know we'll be close but I wanted her last few years at home special- you know, make sure she misses me.

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  10. How am I just now finding YOUR blog?!!! I am going to go get as caught up as I can in one late night. I'm so excited that you are writing and apparently have been. I can't believe I missed this. Here is bugerlugs blog address, a very worthwhile read.... http://trytrytryagainbugerlugs.blogspot.com/

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    1. Don't go cross eyed reading I have resisted the urge to delete the early stuff so I can have a reminder of where I have come from. Sheesh I shared my thoughts unfiltered in some of them. Good luck ha ha. Still cannot get onto her site it opens for a few seconds then throws up a load of adverts and then closes.

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  11. Painting is hard work. I'm sure your daughter will appreciate it. She will notice a change in you. PDTG

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    1. I hope she does because for the longest time she said she had no idea I was drinking. Luckily for me/her I tried to save the big ones for when she wasn't at home but it still amazes me that I covered a lot of it up so successfully. I'm think she will notice more the fact that I am not so grouchy and tired (well not quite so grouchy and tired)

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  12. I gain a lot of comfort knowing that my f' ups aren't a result of drinking these days. It makes them so much easier to live with. I know longer have to try to be perfect to compensate for my major fault. I'm sure the room is lovely and you should be so very proud, it is just the first of many unadulterated endeavors.

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    1. That is so true as I knew I should be doing things and so started but then left them half finished or just half assed. The room was lovely until she unpacked ha ha, now hard to tell anything has changed. Teenagers!

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