Day 42 Which makes it another Saturday, the day when I most often have to fight every thought in my head. Well today I have set an intention to not allow that to happen. Today I will think about the positives all day only.
I am noticing very clearly just how ALL OR NOTHING my thinking, doing and living is. Maybe this is a common trait to drinkers or maybe it's just me. I got to thinking about this due to me spending the last 3 days cuddled up in bed coughing and feeling sorry for myself (maybe a touch too sorry at that) and that my life is ver feast or famine. When I do stuff around the house I throw myself in full tilt and must get things finished by such and such time, this rarely happens, but after I am done I feel exhausted and can barely do anything including the day yo day stuff. When I have overdone it for a period of time and not had enough rest for I feel like life is all a bit humdrum and not what I wanted, my body can manifest an illness that will fell me. In my family there is an expression used, because it seems to be an extended family trait, that so and so has "taken to the bed" and in my head I use it myself but not out loud to the daughter.
"Take to the bed" indicates it's all been a bit much and a complete reboot is needed. I have only been consciously aware of it for a few years but with hindsight it did happen in my younger days but not so much as now I am last 40. Seems like that is also common the the whole family. Sometimes it goes on for a couple of days other times it can be a week or so. I hate it but I also realise it is necessary for me to. but that internal struggle of 'what will people think' and the realisation that other people outside the family don't seem to have it. Funnily enough my best friend does and she is the only one I feel completely comfortable talking to about it. That is why I think there is always a physical aspect to it because you can't just self indulgently lie in bed for days right? I am sure there is an element of depression there too when it all becomes too much but it is hard to admit even when you work in mental health.
So I am done with this period of "take to the bed" the cough is manageable and I have stopped weeing myself when I get a major minute long coughing jag (see why I don't want to be around people) surely I can't be the only one who crosses her legs and bends in half when she coughs to avoid shame. Does this happen to men? I hasten to add I am in control 99% of the time but when I get a chest infection all bets are off.
Back to work tomorrow and I am aware I have lost my love for my job, I have that sinking feeling about it now and just hope I can power through and this is only temporary. We'll see but for now I will just have to suck it up.