Day 74 Transactional Analysis in action.
Today I am stuck in CHILD mode and cannot seem to unstick myself. Following on from the argument last night I have adopted a petulant, hurt feelings, childish, I'm not going to apologise-stance. It is frustrating and shocking to be aware of this and still not do anything about it or feel able to do anything about it. I know I am tired, I know I am hurting, I know I feel rejected and I know I should be the grown up and bigger person but I feel so STUCK. The little child in me is saying "but what about me"
1. I had 2 dry dog walks today
2. I didn't have any cravings today
3. The cars 'GOD' intervened today when my car started vibrating and shuddering and I exclaimed "please no, not today" and got an instant miracle when it settled down a bit.
4. I had my last session with my therapist today and it was good to recognise how far I have come, especially as I feel so stuck right now.
5. Lavender oil. I really needed something not food or drink related for my senses and in lieu of physical hugs, lavender oil comforts me.
Bonus for today.
I am grateful that blogging allows me to be pretty much 97% me and get feedback from supportive and generous people. I am even more grateful that at times when I feel weird and like the only one going through something, someone graciously sticks their neck out and says 'me too!' I love that nearly every day I read something that brings a tear to my eye, warmth to my heart or a smile to my lips. I am grateful that this exists for me and everyone else and is a safe haven for us to come and bring our experiences and our troubles and know that there is someone who always seems to nail exactly the right thing to say. I must be very hormonal because I really am grateful for all this and think it is one of the main reasons I have stayed the course this last 74 days. Anne at Ainsobriety posted about her yoga room and how she is giving away so much of her extra stuff to others and it has made me very thankful for all the good that has come my way over the years thanks to the kindness of strangers. It was a timely reminder that I have far more good in my life than I reflect here and I gentle nudge that you get what you give and I have been pumping out the negative lately.
I have hugged my daughter since writing this, still can't let go of the hurt but also don't want her to think I don't love her. Unlike my dogs, she does not seem excited to see me everytime I walk back into a room. Nora Ephron once said, and I am paraphrasing 'Every home with a teenager should have a dog. That way when you come home at the end if the day, someone is pleased to see you'