Monday, 8 August 2016

79/100 In quiet mode

Day 79 and I am feeling very insular. Not much to say for myself.

Here is what I have been grateful for recently.

1. Becks Blue. Had a weekend full of cravings and feelings of missing out. I know it is all very ridiculous and I feel like I am always struggling with cravings. Becks Blue are just the panacea I need to help me over the hurdle each night.
2. Work has started on my house and it looks like it is going to take time but will be beautiful.
3. Awareness. I have realised that despite my constant moaning and complaining I am having certain realisations and observations about myself but I don't currently have the capacity, energy or motivation to share here. This is in stark contrast to the early days when I was so open to sharing everything and anything that you are lucky I didn't share my bathroom routine.
4. Mysterious forces! I figure I should thank whatever, whoever, how ever forces that are keeping the distance between me and chucking it all in. I have spent countless hours mulling over why I haven't just acted on my cravings and thrown it all away and I don't know why this time it's different but something is anchoring me to not drinking. It is a mystery to me cos sometimes I am writing my  'I drank' post as I am getting on with my day.
5. Sleep. I have reverted back to the early days when I couldn't get enough sleep. As many of you have commented, I may have PAWS because the fatigue is overwhelming. I feel beaten as soon as I get out of bed and take my first few steps. Maybe it is the constant shall I/shan't I conversation that plays out in my head from about 9am- 8pm. 8pm cos then it is too late to drink as much as I want and still be able to drive the next day. INSANITY!!!

Old timers - Question. Am I crazy? I feel like every day is a constant fight with my thoughts and I feel worn out by it and so grumpy that all I seem to do is moan here about how bad I feel. Am I my own worst enemy? Should I shut up? Is this normal or even normal for me. Should I just shut the hell up and only post when I have something good to say?

Ginger Groundhog

16 comments:

  1. Ginger, please keep posting, good day or bad. Yes, it's great to celebrate the successes with a happy post, but surely more important are the posts when we're feeling crap, as those are the cathartic ones where this support network of ours really comes into its own. I love reading your blog. You're helping lots of us by sharing your insightful thoughts. Red xx

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    1. Thanks Red but the worry is I am doing more damage than good when people read how hard I have found it. It has been ages since I did a happy post but I will try really hard to get one flowing soon. Big hug to you my fellow red head, always happy to see you are still reading but about time you posted something, anything to give us the chuckles.

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  2. I too like to read the good and the bad/sad. It helps all of us. I feel like I must have channeled all of my over thinking into drinking time so now I'm just left with my thoughts and need to learn how to deal with them. So Im right there with you on wondering how this works from the old timers.

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    1. We are always our own worst critics and I was aware the balance between happy/sad wasn't there. Like you I have all these thoughts moving so quickly I don't have time to process them and think it is only when I sit down to blog I realise I am bringing all the "stuff" from the day. Glad I just have kept going TBH.

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  3. Hi Ginger!
    I'm still a youngster!
    I do think you are very normal.
    Post what will help you!
    Sometimes I think I need understanding about what I am feeling, so I post about that.
    I looked at my post last summer, and I was very depressed last summer.
    I didn't even remember that until I read it!
    But, I don't remember much anymore!
    I am hoping that the urges die down for you soon, and that you will have some peace for your brain!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. In the nicest possible way I think of you as an old timer, anything over a year I reckon is old timerish. I keep wondering if I am a bit depressed but I have been really depressed before and this feels different. I have re-read some of my posts and it is almost like I am reading someone else's words as I can relate but don't recall putting down all those words and feelings.Thankfully I am feeling a bit of peace today and even that I might just be normal ha ha

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  4. Hi Ginger, keep posting, good or bad. It really helps. Sleep if you need it. Lots of self care is essential. You are doing great. A x

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    1. I had a surge of realisation today and that all was not lost. I am still needing sleep like a newborn but will just go with the flow for now. Good or bad i will post, I just hope there is a little more good coming.

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  5. You're not crazy! Keep posting - doesn't even need to be about booze - just what you feel like, or anything that happened in your day - anything at all. This isn't about US, or keeping us entertained - it's about you. ( and actually us too, because we all learn stuff EVERYDAY from you and all the other bloggers, no matter how long everyone has been blogging) Big congrats - day 80 tomorrow!

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    1. When do we get to be old timers? should i prepare? Get a rocking chair?- I always saw myself as Grandma Walton...all disapproving about the "recipe"..(you have to be a Walton's fan)

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    2. Thanks Jackie, that is nice to hear. I just got stuck in a rut of feeling so frustrated and fed up that i was realising all my posts were sounding the same but still felt the need to write. I do get so many a ha moments from peoples posts, yours too as you have done some corkers. I worry what people think about my posts because I don't want everyone to go away cos of the same ole same ole. I only remember the Waltons for the Goodnight Jim-Bob/Goodnight Grampa bit. Oh and dungarees, I REALLY wanted dungarees.

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  6. Sounds pretty fucking normal to me. Most of us have to realise that life is largely a shitty struggle as we lurch from one fuck up to the next or just miss the next fuck up by the skin of our teeth. We are having some building work done and the fuckwits managed to balls up a fairly simple job which got us thinking about all the jobs we've had done over the years and they have largely all caused stress and anxiety - not to say money. Usually, the irritation was deadened in a bucket of wine which doesn't help. As we are AF now, we just get to experience everything without the anaesthetic. I can only speak for me but the desire to drink is tempered by the thought of what I would be giving up - heading toward 8 months now but I had a vivid drinking dream last night and I get a fair bit of FOMO but I rationalise the drinking thoughts with measuring what I would be giving up and what "benefits" drinking might bring - absolutely none obviously but the wine witch whispers her nonsense and it looks appealing except we know the results - hangovers, failure, giving in, did I say fucking failure? Lack of will power, lack of self-control. The fact that I am an adult and not an adolescent driven by emotion and desire. So basically, what you are thinking and experiencing sounds about par for the course and of course, write what you like. Keep a close eye on your builders!!

    Justonemore

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    1. Oh wow, I have just seen this after pouring my heart about about my previous builders and how i was nearly brought down by their dreadful workmanship. The house is very symbolic for me about where i have come from and where I want to go and the only way to do that is SOBER. FOMO is ever present at the moment but I can still balance it out with regret and remorse which will be the winning emotions oif I do drink.

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  7. Im not an old timer, but I'm about 150 days in, and I had a few bad times at day 90ish... not every day, but a few consecutive weekends that were BAD for cravings. At this stage it felt like an endurance challenge, and it was my hubby that kept me on the straight and narrow !! You are doing a brilliant job ! Please keep posting - good and bad stuff....from a selfish point of view the bad stuff helps me, and I'm sure it helps other too because you know you're not alone then !! It's amazing how similar everyone's sober journeys are, so to know we all have 'those days' helps. I think you're doing really well and love your blog. X

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    1. Oh wow 150 days is great! And thank you, it is good to know others went through it too. I have definitely popped up for air now but for weeks I really felt like I was floundering and might sink. It feels like the end of the world when you are in it but now I am through it just feels like something I had to go through. Isn't that weird, from the extreme to nearly nothing. Yes we ARE all similar and it is obviously part of the process.

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