Saturday, 10 September 2016

112 Days - Content.

Day 112 and all is well, very well to be honest. I am on the first day of 2 weeks leave, needed and deserved. It is the first morning in months I have woken up relaxed as my daughter is not working today so I can relax in bed with a coffee before I launch into the day ahead.

I had no idea it was so long since I posted I thought I would give myself a day or two of not posting or readin to focus on other things and here it is 12 days later. Having a 12 day hiatus has made me realise how infrequently I think about drinking now and I can't say for certain but I think a good 9 of those had barely a conscious thought about drinking or drink. I did have a very big craving the other day but even that was nothing in comparison to a few weeks back when I wanted to claw my face off rather than sit with the feelings. That night I was just very aware I would like to throw the whole thing away and drink to my hearts content even to the point I thought " I'm going to be sooo hungover in the morning I won't risk driving, I'll call in sick" so you see for me that is not romantic thinking about a glass of Rioja, mine is drinking for taste and to get to a certain level of numb. I will say I probably missed quite a good opportunity to delve deep into why I was feeling like that all of a sudden but it was quite a quick escalation and I made the decision to dash to the store to get some Becks Blue which really shuts the craving down for me. Sure enough it worked immediately.

Recently I have noticed that there is an emerging confidence in me also, it is slowly unfolding and it is happening with awareness. Some of it feels good and some of it, because it involves challenging the status quo, does not feel very comfortable, some of it feels so alien I actually don't know what to do with it. Example being, my boss the Clinical Psychologist is somewhat histrionic herself and although borderline genius is a bit of a 'nutter' (that is the clinical term for it, really!!) part of the reason I do my job so well is I am able to 'manage' her, several others cannot cope with her style. 'Managing' her means putting up with all of her quirks and temperament and picking out the relevant bits to actually get on and deal with things. She is very fond of me and realises that I have to put up with her shit and that I understand her and more importantly forgive her the quirkiest of her quirks.

However...... Through the 100 days I was getting more and more irritated by her and starting to hate my job and hate her to a degree and as I have documented before, my mood was dropping and dropping. In part I think it was because I was managing soooo much; me, my sobriety, my daughter, the house, the builders, my sobriety, the dogs, paying bills, work stresses, car troubles, decorating, my sobriety, my boss going through a crisis, ad infinitum....... at one point I thought I just couldn't cope with her any more, she really is very very high maintenance. Thankfully I have bounced back probably largely in part to the anti depressants and I am seeing things from a much clearer perspective. This is where the discomfort comes in. I am noticing I am causing a shift in the dynamic between my boss and myself as I have changed my reaction to how I respond to her. The discomfort is mutual because all of a sudden she is noticing a shift in my reaction ( positive in my mind, maybe not so much in hers) and she is not sure how to deal with it. It is very hard to explain but the simplest way I can say it is when I react differently there is this pregnant pause where I know as a psychologist she is searching her brain for the logical explanation and how she should now react. I don't know if I will ever be able to capture the essence of the discomfort for you but it is all to do with me growing as a person, that being mutually acknowledged internally but neither of us speaking about what is happening.   It is a liminal state for both of us.

So Ginger is doing ok, making changes and making plans. I have lost a great deal of angst, anxiety, gripping fear or that stomach clenching panic that seems to control you when you are in the grip of daily drinking or the early stages of quitting. Ironically when you are drinking daily the only thing that makes that feeling go away is in the evening when you have that first drink, often guzzled rather than sipped, and the clenching feeling seems to unfurl. Sober now and post 100 days I feel unfurled most of the time with only the occasional clenching grip, so a complete opposite to the old way of feeling. Today I feel completely open, ready for anything the day will bring, happy to plod along or ready to spring into action should the urge come on me. This too can be yours if you make the 100 days of self discovery to get here. Blog, blog and blog some more. Take the risk and spill the contents of your head and you could help both yourself and others reading. It is possible, it's simple but not easy.

Ginger Groundhog