Saturday, 1 October 2016

133/180 Still going strong

So day 133 and I am still in a very strong sober place. It is safe to say I have nearly no thoughts about drinking at all.... until I get smacked upside the head with a massive one. Completely off guard and unawares I get a wallop of a craving(?) craving is not exactly it, a self destructive thought more like.

For example I am walking around the grocery store and I am feeling good, borderline great, and thinking of all that I have achieved recently; done more painting and decorating in 6 weeks than I have in 9 years, building work coming along great, mood has been up and down but I am in control, I am morphing into a very positive determined person, I am eating differently (ie not gorging on carbs 24/7) and have lost 8-12lbs, daughter doing ok, dogs happy and healthy, different outlook on life etc etc. All good stuff. Then........ Vodka on sale for a stupidly low price and on a promotional display, voice chirps up "oooh I'd love to drink all that, all alone, bag of ice. Bliss"  That was it, no struggling to decide if I want to do it or if I should or shouldn't, it is not going to happen and I know that but the thought just came like a flash into my brain.

What a wonderful gift that thought is, I real bone fide gift. That thought just as it stands shows me there is no illusions of a sophisticated glass of Rioja or a martini out with the girls after work, it is about seclusion, isolation, numbing and addiction. A connoisseur doesn't look at a bottle of wine delighting in the fact they are going to guzzle it all down, they sip it. Having that clear realisation and then coupling it with how I would feel the next morning along with memories of my last time drinking was a fabulous reminder of why I don't want to ever go back down that road again. Well apart from the part of me that does, the part that despite everything pointing in the opposite direction, that this time it would be different. My mind occasionally plays out little vignettes of scenarios where I could start drinking again, all horrific and upsetting but in the distorted addict corner of my mind, all good reasons to drink again. Even more worryingly, there is a subtle knowledge that if I started drinking again, it might be til death. Yep there is a part of me that thinks if I start again there is NO stopping and it could be the undoing of me. This fortunately sparks off a list of things I would miss out on in life, fully enjoying my daughter's wedding, or grandkids, maybe even meeting a partner, travelling when I retire etc.

Once you have reached a stage with drinking where you realise you are drinking too much or you know in your heart of hearts that if you open the bottle you are drinking the whole bottle, the only way from then on is further down. This thought is a great lifeline to me but might be a bitter pill to others. I just know I am lucky where I am right now, that I got off the elevator when I did. If I get on again, I might be on for longer than I intend and the next bottom will be a lot further down.

Thankfully I don't have to do that and I am very happy in the place I am now. I still have weeks of crippling, sheer exhaustion when I can barely make it out of bed but interspersed with that are weeks or pure energy where I tackle those lost, forgotten areas of the house drinking forgot. My house is coming on leaps and bounds and the metaphorical cleaning out the closets is doing wonders for my home and my mind. I am moving forward and seeing great progress and in 6 days I will have passed my previous record of 138 days.

I am still having Groundhog Day but now in a more positive way. It's predictable that I wake up with no hangover, it's predictable that even on my most tired of days I get something productive done, it's predictable I don't have to lie and pretend that I feel ok terrified someone will see through my facade. My life is a little bit dull to those looking in but to me it is fantastic compared to what it was before and I feel it is only going to continue to get better.

Ginger Groundhog

21 comments:

  1. Great job, Ginger! Wonderful post to read!

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    1. Thanks HD. I need to catch up on your blog after my hiatus. Hope all is well.

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  2. This is so great to read Ginger! I'm just like you ref the vodka thing, and you've just given me a really well timed reminder about why I shouldn't drink (I have been romanticising vodka and Diet Coke this week!). Day 40 here and a clearer head for me. Still overloading on carbs though, and still feel boring, but better that than the bottle of V I've been thinking of getting my mitts on hey. Thanks for posting today!

    https://youboozeyoulooze.wordpress.com

    (It won't let me comment with my Wordpress ID - youboozeyoulooze !)

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    1. I have checked out your blog and left a few comments as you reminded me of some things. Glad this helped at a time when needed. I does get so much easier. Keep going strong and don't cave in just wait it out and the craving does go.

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  3. Ginger, we are on the same page and as I have just said on SM's blog, you gotta to keep your guard up. I also think if I drink again, I'm basically fucked.

    Justonemore

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    1. Yes exactly. It is a big self destruct button and I only notice it on the odd occasion, thankfully. The thought of 'I wonder what would happen if I pushed that now' comes up but fortunately I play the movie to the end and it is NOT GOOD. So lovely to hear from you. Hope all is well with you.

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  4. Awesome Ginger! I relate to how you're feeling. The increased productivity, the clear-headed mornings, the not thinking about it all so much... Keep going mate!

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    1. Thanks Soberman365. I am almost thinking about it too little as I have fallen behind on reading other people's bogs. In a good and bad way, good cos I am not thinking about it 24/7 but bad in that I need to show support to others along the way.

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  5. Hello again, just a note to say how nice it is to see you active on your blog. And such an inspiration that you've done 133 days. You must be thrilled. Also good to know you're not craving booze all the time. But those moments are pretty full on. Am going to sleep having done day 9 and am so enjoying the lack of shame, self-loathing, memory loss etc etc that I'm just trying to focus on that and - as you say - that one drink isn't really one drink- it's the bottle if not more and a one way ticket to feeling utter shite! All best, 007mum.

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    1. I hope you are doing well and still going strong. The ravings do appear but in a more manageable way and so much less intense.

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    2. Hello again,
      So nice to get a note from you and YES! Am now on day 18 and feeling good. But it's odd how the cravings do pop up now and again - at those 'trigger' moments that have that association with drinking. And I love the typo here - 'cravings' have become 'ravings' which is spot on! Big congratulations on surpassing your personal best. Very inspirational. Your blog and others - as you say - are so helpful to read when one is at the beginning and we can read blogs from people like you who are that much further ahead and still winning. All best, 007mum

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  6. With you all the way. You wrote much truth. Hugs!

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    1. I have just cracked my personal best today. Will be cheering you on to day 202 is it?

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  7. So glad you have posted again ! I'm really pleased you are in a good place. I have just passed 200 days last Friday, I'm really pleased with myself. I sometimes surprise myself that I haven't thought of booze for a few days or a week, or felt that I needed a virtual hug by way of reading blogs... then BANG the wine witch snarls from within and tells me "a wine would be awesome now... why don't you just drink like everyone else you boring bitch ".... but of course I haven't been there and I have to remind myself of how my life is much improved. .. because it has and it will keep getting better :)

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    1. Oh well done you on 200+ days, that is awesome. I hear you about those cravings and the going days without thinking about it. So pleased for you making it so far, I am keeping up the rear so to speak.

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  8. Ginge, I'm fine really - just the occasional wobble (that doesn't end with reaching for a drink I hasten to add) but still relentlessly hating the M25/M4/M5 combination and reverse and asking why are people still heading down to Cornwall? Its fucking October - summers over - keep off the roads until spring for christ's sake.

    Justonemore

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    1. Ha ha October is the rush for all the folk that wait for the kids to go back to school so they can holiday in peace. That is until the last last hurrah in October half term then it's dead til Easter. Hang in there til November and you'll have the road to yourself, oh and the lorry drivers.

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  9. I know in my heart of hearts, that if I start drinking again, I would not make it.
    I'd either get drunk and fall down the stairs, or get drunk and hurt someone in my car.
    This realization doesn't make me sad, it gives me the strength to say, Nope.
    Not doing that today!
    Big hugs to you, girl!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Falling down the stairs drunk is how my birth father died. Ask anyone in his family how he died and that's what they'll tell you, not that he was drunk for 25 years and then fell down the stairs.
      I too draw strength from seeing the worst case scenario and how it is sooooo avoidable.

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