Day 253 and I am feeling quite blue to be honest. I have been postponing blogging for a few days in the hope my mood would improve, I know it will soon but I have decided to write today anyway to redirect my mind.
1. I am back at work after a significant time away, luckily everyone was very pleased to see me and it appears no one believes I was faking (huge worry of money) My workload on my return was ridiculous and I have been very clear with HR and all the managers that it was unacceptable that I returned to such a shambles especially given that my role is handling the details if the most vulnerable, dangerous or serious of our patients. I have also put my foot down in terms of the amount of work I do in relation to the amount of pay they give me. I think my absence has highlighted that for them.
2. I have turned somewhat evangelical [secondary definition] zealous in advocating or supporting a particular cause. about being sober and can genuinely say I hate the thought of alcohol now and how I wasted so much time wasting so much time and money. In a very similar vein to Jason Vale, I cannot get my head around why I drank and how much I never want to get like that again. I was at a friends house the other day and she was apologising that she wanted a drink and would I mind. I assured her that I had no interest whatsoever and it wouldn't bother me at all, which it didn't. I don't ever want to judge or criticise people who choose to drink and I am happy for people to drink around me. Whereas before I used to read about bloggers who's partners still drank and wonder how they managed to not guzzle all the booze when no one was looking. Now I understand totally and have lived with booze in my house since Thanksgiving when my friends from Chicago left behind their extra booze. It's just sitting in my porch along with about 10 bottles of Becks Blue. In fact I haven't had a Becks since Christmas or maybe New Year, nor have I thought about it. I hope that reads positively for anyone who wonders if the cravings will ever go away.
Truth be told I assumed I would be a dry drunk for the rest of my life, always mourning the day I had to stop drinking and wishing I could still have a drink. Nothing could be further from the truth and that is what most surprises me.
3. My high at returning to work, feeling motivated, rested and together has popped like a balloon and today and yesterday I have been flat, depressed and then angry that I am depressed. My vow to just sit with feelings and 'allow' them to move through me, today fills me with rage and yet more depression. I don't want to feel like this, I want to feel the way I did a week ago when everything was going well. I just want to not feel like this. Therein lies the crux of it all, I assumed that stopping drinking would solve ALL my problems and I would be transformed into everything I wasn't when I was drinking. Sadly I am still left with myself albeit a new and improved version, it's still the same me. I have no doubt that messing with my brain chemicals for years has broken the gauge that controls the balance and flow and I seem to be left with a feast or famine dose of optimism or pessimism. It's hard to cope with, acknowledge but most of all accept. Acceptance I know is pretty key here but I am still somewhat bitter and resentful I am not healed and reborn into the most dynamic version of myself I could imagine. Plus it's all SO fragile, I was doing brilliantly then a massive argument with my 18 year old daughter threw me back into my chasm of despair when she screamed all my biggest fears and worries back at me. Result being, I now assume all the things people say to placate me and ease my fears and worries are all lies and actually they do think the worst of me but are hiding it from me.
I can see how extreme that is but I am still in the digging my way out if rock bottom to put it in its true context. I will get there but just licking my wounds and trying to regain my strength again. Bloody fucking depression, I hate it and how I cave into it and let it rule my mind.
4. And now for some good news...... I am approx 29lbs down on the scale, approx because I remember weighing myself once when I was still drinking and being horrified so I didn't get on a scale for another six months so I think I had gone up before I came back down. This is part stopping drinking and the subsequent binges while drinking but also the next morning recovery hangover binge. Anne at ainsobriety often comments that weight loss doesn't happen for everyone and I am sure that is very true so don't panic if this isn't you. My friend who drank the same as I did never had the same bingeing tendencies I did when drinking so she lost about 3-4 lbs when she stopped only. For me I still have a great deal of weight to lose and I am very aware of how my mind is thinking alcoholically about food. Thankfully I am aware enough to be able to sit with these thoughts and realise that planting my face in a 3000 calorie binge of all my old favourites might be an attempt to change my state but I also have enough awareness and understanding to realise it is not going to work for a second longer than when I am actually eating the food. I think this is the last ditch attempt of my addiction centre to try once again a known failed coping mechanism in the hope that this time it might work -it won't but oh boy is the desire strong to just zone out and enter oblivion.
5. It's all going to be ok. Hard as that is to write on a day like today when I feel like the pits, I know I have been here before and worse. I know that something is off in my equilibrium and it's sent me spiraling into the depths of despair but I also am aware that somehow I will come back out of it and any temporary panaceas like drinking, overeating, spending money are not going to change the core problem. I know none of these things can help and I understand their appeal is escapism and zoning out, avoiding the issue short term and accepting a bigger price and harsher consequences are the result. It's like living like a toddler when you cannot get yourself out if the cycle of destruction even though the longer you go on the worse things will get. Sometimes the only and last resort to to a tantrum is to step in and hug the child because they have gone too far to get themselves back, they need help. That is where I am right now, trying to be the adult to the little girl gabbing a tantrum and who is stuck and wanting to move forward but too overwhelmed by everything. So for today that is what I am doing, just trying to take care of myself and knowing that everything will be ok once again.
Sober is brilliant but it is not a silver bullet, there are things that we will all have to face and deal with that the absence of alcohol makes all too apparent. I can choose to look at this negatively or I can be an adult and see it as an opportunity for growth. today I choose the latter.