Sunday, 22 October 2017

Ginger fell off the wagon -BIG TIME!!

I have been trying to come clean for a few weeks now but have been ashamed, angry, depressed but also loving drinking too much.

God what a disaster!!

The irony of my last post being the prophecy of how the next three months would go is not entirely lost on me. Rereading it today highlights that I was in trouble but wasn't fully aware, my decent back into daily drinking was as sudden and shocking as anyone could imagine.

I'll try and write a clear account some other time, today is just me wanting to be accountable but also asking if there is ANYONE out there that has a year or longer sober that relapsed but is now back on the sober wagon and life back on track?

Listen up people, listen carefully....... It is 100% true that it is the first drink that gets you. In all sincerity I had a plan to drink for one night only and get it out of my system, 85 days later I am shadow of myself wondering just HOW stupid I thought that plan was. The sense of loss I feel is enormous and I am literally back at Day 1 Groundhog Day every morning I wake up deciding not to drink and ending the day drinking.

So there you have it, I feel like a fool, I've gained all the weight back and more, I look tired, haggard, and puffy and I haven't had my roots done in 3 months so I genuinely look a state. I hope coming clean and standing here (actually I'm in bed feeling pitiful) and owning what I gave done and become will be a bit of a catalyst for change.

Congratulations to everyone who has carried on along the sober path, especially those of you around the 17/18month mark which is where I "should" be. I also apologise for all the mean thoughts I have had about you in my deluded vodka addled brain. I'm sure you are not "so smug" and "rubbing it in my face" and "acting all holier than thou"  - in fact I'm pretty sure that is just bitterness and regret seeking a way to feel a bit better about the situation.

That's all I can manage today, the crushing reality of where I am today is only digestible in pretty small chunks. I know for sure I won't drink today and I will be aiming for the one day at a time school of thought. The other thing I plan to do today is to make contact with my best friend (who I have also been having hateful thoughts about) who will be three years sober in April and let her know what's been going on so I have someone IRL I can turn to.

So it's Ginger, back on Day 1 hoping the day will finally change.

17 comments:

  1. When I started out on the sober path, there was a woman who had just a year of sobriety who became my sponsor. She now probably has 7 years sober. I have a year and a half. Not only have I done what you did even after (almost) a year of sobriety, I've done it many times. And usually, I was "out" anywhere from a few months to a couple of years. What's important is that you came back. You didn't have to. It feels like you're being judged, but you're not. You came back!!! Yay, you!

    Plus, it's not like you lost all of your other sobriety. You still have it! You get to keep all those stunning, wonderful, challenging sober days of health and wellbeing. So really, you're not starting over. You have a ton of valuable experience in the art of being sober.

    After starting my blog, I failed within the first 10 days. So what? Today is all that matters. Today, you are giving yourself another chance.

    I am so glad you're back, Ginger. You were missed. And THANK YOU for having the courage to show up for yourself and all of us. ��

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    1. Thank you for that, it does help and yes I am worried about being judged cos I have very harshly judged myself. It's so hard not to think of all that time as "lost" or "ruined" because it does feel like Snakes and Ladder (chutes and ladders to you I think) and I'm back at the very start.
      All that aside, yes I'm back and hoping to do whatever necessary to get to whatever day it will be when I'm not wishing for a drink.

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  2. Ginger, how are you going to get your DIY done if you're hungover?? haha! I quit drinking in 2008 and started again in 2012 because I thought I was fixed, that I had just taken a break, I was free to resume my "normal drinking". So within a year I was bingeing and hungover every weekend, getting more frequent every year until my crescendo in 2015 of a bottle+ and a pack of smokes every night. When I quit in 2008 I didn't feel that my situation was dire, I just had a bad hangover from a binge and felt fear about drinking, so I quit rather impulsively and easily. By the time i quit in 2015 I was wrecked and addicted and it was soooo much harder to convince myself that I needed to stop. BUT, in a way it was also easier because I had sober muscles memory and I knew I would be fine once I "crossed over". You already know how to be sober, you've done it and done it well. It's going to be about a month of pain that you have to suck up, you're addict voice will bitch in your ear, but if you can hunker down and charge through it you already know what's on the other side. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

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    1. Haha not much diy happened since the bottle appeared again.
      It's good to know that there is someone in my blog circle that has been there done that, it makes it more relateable maybe.
      I can do this but I have to get back to the "I deserve to feel better" stage, right now it feels a bit elusive. I do hope I hit the crossover stage before too long.
      Well done you though, much respect for getting it back and being a sober champion now.

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  3. Hi Ginger! Everything Betty just said! But I would like to say this - the time doesn't matter, I don't think. It's your mindset. I don't believe you get MORE sober as time goes along. I have know people who have been sober for twenty years and then fell heavily off the wagon, and other people who just stopped one day. I know it's hard to start with, I agree with Betty, you have a tough little while ahead, but you CAN do it. We are all here with you xx

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    1. You nailed it Jackie, I think I do somehow think you get more sober therefore I've lost it. But I still think the starting again is more than a bit choking. I'll write more about the first night later on but in hindsight I was totally avoidable. Grrrr just gonna grit my teeth and get on with it.

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  4. Hi Ginger. I am so very glad you came back! You are by far not alone. Today is day 4 for me....again!! I had a couple years of sobriety until a relapse SEVEN long years ago and have been struggling ever since. Hoping and praying this time sticks. By now you and I know the drill -- let's do this! Hugs from across the pond. xx

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  5. It's good to know I'm not alone but I feel for you too and wish you didn't have to go through this either. We have to keep hoping it sticks because the alternative is too terrifying. Keep going Joni.

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  6. "More sober" over time is an interesting concept. I think that idea lingers in me as well even though intellectually I know that isn't true. Certainly though drinking causes anxiety and chaos of the mind. When we quit the mind seems to go through spikes of chaos and anxiety until enough time passes and it settles in. So "more sober" may apply to the first 100 days, 6 months or a year then levels off. Just a thought.

    So glad to see you back. I always enjoy your posts. I find myself saying "me too" as I read them. We are all here to support you through this

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  7. I think I just got lazy and a bit too comfortable. I didn't think "I've got this sober lark cracked" but I do think I took it a little too much for granted. Like a small child knows not to touch a hot plate but sometimes touches anyway and then gets burned. That's me, I know the rules, I know what's dangerous but that inner saboteur is a devil.
    Sorry to read you were a bit blah recently and you were another one I was resentful of as you are only about thirty day ahead of where I was. Well done you and let ME be a lesson to you!

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  8. Ginger, I'm sorry I've been so busy so totally missed this post. Now, please listen to me very carefully...You should be exactly where you are. I dont know if you know this but i've had 5 years, 2 years...one year 6 months etc...This sober path is NOT straight. I know you are feeling like shit and you feel that you dropped the ball but its only a disaster if you keep drinking!I am available for a chat. Please get in touch ok? hurrahforcoffee@gmail.com

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    1. You know I think I did know that but had forgotten, or didn't realise they were for as long. Thank you for sharing that with me, especially as you were one of the ones, like SoberMommy, who I resented big time during my 3 month sojourn to drinking again. One thing this relapse has taught me and really shone a light on is how easily I feel cheated and left out. I may write more about that but for now it's just bubbling away under the surface.
      Thanks HFC.

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  9. Ginger ((((HUG))) Welcome back Love.

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    1. (((Hugs))) to you too Annette, always lovely to see your name

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  10. Brave you, like Hurrah wrote above, "This sober path is NOT straight." When you fall, get back up, and that's what you are doing. Just keep trying.

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    1. Aww thanks Lia, you have seen me do well and falter. I'm hoping I can get the doing well back again.

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    2. I have faith you will do so, as I know you can. But until then, keep moving forward the best you can~! That's what I'm trying to do myself.

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