I have been trying to come clean for a few weeks now but have been ashamed, angry, depressed but also loving drinking too much.
God what a disaster!!
The irony of my last post being the prophecy of how the next three months would go is not entirely lost on me. Rereading it today highlights that I was in trouble but wasn't fully aware, my decent back into daily drinking was as sudden and shocking as anyone could imagine.
I'll try and write a clear account some other time, today is just me wanting to be accountable but also asking if there is ANYONE out there that has a year or longer sober that relapsed but is now back on the sober wagon and life back on track?
Listen up people, listen carefully....... It is 100% true that it is the first drink that gets you. In all sincerity I had a plan to drink for one night only and get it out of my system, 85 days later I am shadow of myself wondering just HOW stupid I thought that plan was. The sense of loss I feel is enormous and I am literally back at Day 1 Groundhog Day every morning I wake up deciding not to drink and ending the day drinking.
So there you have it, I feel like a fool, I've gained all the weight back and more, I look tired, haggard, and puffy and I haven't had my roots done in 3 months so I genuinely look a state. I hope coming clean and standing here (actually I'm in bed feeling pitiful) and owning what I gave done and become will be a bit of a catalyst for change.
Congratulations to everyone who has carried on along the sober path, especially those of you around the 17/18month mark which is where I "should" be. I also apologise for all the mean thoughts I have had about you in my deluded vodka addled brain. I'm sure you are not "so smug" and "rubbing it in my face" and "acting all holier than thou" - in fact I'm pretty sure that is just bitterness and regret seeking a way to feel a bit better about the situation.
That's all I can manage today, the crushing reality of where I am today is only digestible in pretty small chunks. I know for sure I won't drink today and I will be aiming for the one day at a time school of thought. The other thing I plan to do today is to make contact with my best friend (who I have also been having hateful thoughts about) who will be three years sober in April and let her know what's been going on so I have someone IRL I can turn to.
So it's Ginger, back on Day 1 hoping the day will finally change.