I realise friendship is important in life and good ones can fill you up and leave you strong. Bad ones can suck the life out of you and leave you questioning every dimension of your personality.
Last night I had a friendship changing disagreement with a very good friend and it became U-G-L-Y! Things were said that cannot be unsaid and there was a major shift in dynamics. This has caused me to question so many elements of myself over the past 25+ years but also and I must add equally, her input into my life over the past 5 years.
No longer am I assuming everything is my fault and that I am the weaker/lesser/tragic one in the friendship. A line has been crossed and I need to reflect on where my responsibility ends and her responsibility starts. I am willing to accept certain things about myself, warts and all but I refuse, do you hear me? REFUSE to accept that I need to embrace the opinions of others as fact just because I have admitted I drink too much. This is not denial by the way.
In the past I have accepted that so many things are my fault cos I drank too much, that every weird quirk in my daughters personality was my fault, that climate change and plastic pollution was my fault ( yes I exaggerate) . All because I drink too much alcohol. But that is not the case! Don't assume blame for everything wrong in your world. You MAY have caused problems, you MAY have ruined friendships, you MAY have let people down, spent too much money, said regrettable things in polite circles or even caused an accident via drink driving, repossession through overspending or a relationship breakdown through your poor choices and prioritising other things. But everything wrong in the world, in your circle, in your family is not your fault.
Take responsibility for what is yours and don't be a fool in denial about it all but don't also be the victim and allow blame to be allocated to you cos you are an easy target.
I am heartbroken by events of the past 24 hours and it has taken the support of a wider friendship group to make me fully understand that I am not to root of all evil and that in this instance I have been overly apportioned blame for a variety of things. I cried myself to sleep last night and I feel the same is coming tonight. If I believe everything happens in its right time and order I have to believe this is a lesson for me eventually if it is a hard one.
I will continue to view/review my part in all of this and try where possible even if uncomfortable to accept my role in this but, and I urge you to do the same, don't just let one negative element of your life shape the sum total of who you are.
I may flounder back and forth on this for the next few days.
Ginger, in bed, in tears.