Wednesday, 7 February 2018

Friends!! Who needs em??

I realise friendship is important in life and good ones can fill you up and leave you strong. Bad ones can suck the life out of you and leave you questioning every dimension of your personality.

Last night I had a friendship changing disagreement with a very good friend and it became U-G-L-Y!  Things were said that cannot be unsaid and there was a major shift in dynamics. This has caused me to question so many elements of myself over the past 25+ years but also and I must add equally, her input into my life over the past 5 years.

No longer am I assuming everything is my fault and that I am the weaker/lesser/tragic one in the friendship. A line has been crossed and I need to reflect on where my responsibility ends and her responsibility starts. I am willing to accept certain things about myself, warts and all but I refuse, do you hear me? REFUSE to accept that I need to embrace the opinions of others as fact just because I have admitted I drink too much. This is not denial by the way.

In the past I have accepted that so many things are my fault cos I drank too much, that every weird quirk in my daughters personality was my fault, that climate change and plastic pollution was my fault ( yes I exaggerate) . All because I drink too much alcohol. But that is not the case! Don't assume blame for everything wrong in your world. You MAY have caused problems, you MAY have ruined friendships, you MAY have let people down, spent too much money, said regrettable things in polite circles or even caused an accident via drink driving, repossession through overspending or a relationship breakdown through your poor choices and prioritising other things. But everything wrong in the world, in your circle, in your family is not your fault.

Take responsibility for what is yours and don't be a fool in denial about it all but don't also be the victim and allow blame to be allocated to you cos you are an easy target.

I am heartbroken by events of the past 24 hours and it has taken the support of a wider friendship group to make me fully understand that I am not to root of all evil and that in this instance I have been overly apportioned blame for a variety of things. I cried myself to sleep last night and I feel the same is coming tonight. If I believe everything happens in its right time and order I have to believe this is a lesson for me eventually if it is a hard one.

I will continue to view/review my part in all of this and try where possible even if uncomfortable to accept my role in this but, and I urge you to do the same, don't just let one negative element of your life shape the sum total of who you are.

I may flounder back and forth on this for the next few days.

Ginger, in bed, in tears.


11 comments:

  1. I am very sorry, Ginger.
    I had to learn boundaries with one friend. It's hard.
    But you are so right...you can only take responsibility for your actions. I think as women we sometimes shame ourselves, or feel guilty for something that wasn't our fault, or certainly wasn't all of our faults.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Especially when drinking, as I often was unsure exactly what had happened.
      Sobriety let me drop the guilt. Such a relief.

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  2. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I agree with Wendy and have had to set boundaries around certain friendships as well. It took years for me to figure that out. Now, when I feel a friend is not being respectful, maybe by being competitive, aggressive, or blameful, I take a “Friendship Holiday.” Basically, I drop them like a hot potato, sometimes permanently, if they make me feel bad about myself. Exactly as you say, “Bad ones can suck the life out of you.” So true but sadly, it still hurts. Hugs to you xo

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  3. Oh dear! Sorry to hear this Ginger. I totally agree with what the others have said, set boundaries, take a break. In the coming days you will see things differently and maybe work out where to go from there. I agree that you shouldn't take on all the blame for everything. x

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  4. I’m so sorry.
    You deserve better. Hug.
    Anne

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  5. So sorry Ginger. You are taking responsibility, and being accountable for your actions, PLUS making huge changes in your life. For some people that is very unsettling. They feel that your progress shines a light on the darker areas of their own life. This is not your problem. Friends tell you the truth, but "Truth is always kind" (Martha Beck). Big Hugs. xx

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  6. I hope you are feeling a little stronger, a little better about your situation today. Keep expressing yourself with your truth, circumstances have a way of morphing into clarity if you stay honest with yourself.

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  7. Oh gosh how hard and unpleasant - you have my sympathy and kind thoughts. GOOD FOR YOU to see where your responsibility ends and not take -all- the blame Just Because. It never feels like it but looking at things through sober eyes and realizing "okay, maybe my drinking caused X but it had nothing to do with Y and Z which are also big problems."

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  8. I wrote a long comment here a week ago, but it disappeared when I went to post it, I guess. : (
    Regardless, I went through the same thing and I'm exactly where you're at. I no longer feel guilty about the state of the world as if it's my fault. There is so much good that I did as well. I'm just now getting around to remembering that. We tend to paint the past with one color, in this case, guilty. It's never that black and white. There were just as many times when we were fun and loving and forgiving. ��

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  9. I'm so pleased I've learned to appreciate friends and family, life, love and laughter - without any toxic carcinogenic shit entering my body, dulling my brain, and giving me false amusement for a few hours.
    Kratom Withdrawal
    Kratom Detox

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