Ugly as it is I have decided to catch you all up with where and how I am in the hope that it may spur me onto success.
If drinking is an elevator that descends each time you drink, then I have gone down a fair few more floors. Someone said once that you never know when the elevator will stop next and open the door to let you out and that is where I am now, waiting to get off.
I have not managed more than 4 days sober since November and I am very aware how things are slipping like housework, gardening, filing paperwork and bills, even the dogs are getting shorter walks. I spend the mornings despairing of myself and vowing this is it, I'm done with drinking only to have a personality transplant mid afternoon to someone who thinks its not so bad as morning me makes out. It is the same lament you will read on countless other blogs from those like me, trying to get over the initial hurdle of 10 days or even 4 days in my case.
I am down but not defeated. I have done it before and somewhere deep down I am pretty sure I can do it again although there is a persistent voice that taunts me that I may have gone too far this time and I am doomed to die from alcohol. That voice needs to talk to me in the afternoon when the chirpy delusional "moderate drinker" voice is convincing me that it's not that bad.
So once more I am going to try, try, try to throw myself into sober life again. Tomorrow I shall leave every card in my wallet at work or better still drop it to my friends house and force her to come grocery shopping next Saturday as chaperone. I feel pretty sure that if I can just get to a certain point I will remember how good not drinking feels and how so totally worth it it is.
Congrats to anyone that has made it through Dry January and still going strong like 'Putting Down the Glass' (can't do the link for some reason.)
Look for a post tomorrow evening and a sincere thank you to anyone who comments over and over again on my day 1, 2, 3, 4, posts. There are many episodes like that and many of you have been tireless cheerleaders over the past few years, not just to me but to countless others.
Justonemore- I saw your comment and would love to hear how you are doing.
That's all for today folks and I will accept any prayers, spells, superstitious behaviours, voodoo, incantations, you name it, to help me get both on the right track and bloody well stay on it.
Ginger - The Vodka Hostage