Today I had a few vague flickers of drinking thinking but so fleeting they hardly count. What I did think over and over though was "I NEVER want to drink again". Not in that hangover way that says never again, just today I genuinely never want to drink again. Now I realise I have had these thoughts before and ended up drinking, heck I went 15 months and ended up drinking BUT at the time of the thought and as I type this now, I truly feel that in my soul.
Another feeling that has made itself known today is shame, yes our old favourite can be relied upon to show up when in fact courage and hope would be far more welcome visitors. I thought to myself I hope there is an opportunity to come back in another life cos I have wasted 20 years of this one either trying to control my eating or trying to control my drinking and certainly not enjoying the ride. What a waste indeed! When I think of so many people who's life has been cut short through illness or accident and I have selfishly being trying to avoid whatever it is I am trying to avoid by funnelling food or booze down my neck - it is SO stupid and no way to live at all.
I'm stopping this post now as I am talking myself into anger and the futility of it all which ironically leads me to thinking what's the point, I may as well drink.
If like me, you didn't drink today then give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done. We gotta turn this thinking around people, less self condemnation and a lot more praise.