There is a quote from Friends when Rachel says "I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap and then me" that is a big bottom and some very slow learners need to hit a big bottom to realise how bad it is. We heavy drinkers have constant small bottoms:
- the time when you take a slug of something straight from the bottle
- you pour wine or your favourite poison in a coffee cup
- you hide bottles from loved ones so the don't see them in the recycling
- you go to a different shop to buy booze because you don't want your local shop to know how much you drink (they KNOW, by the way)
- you worry in the morning that people can smell last night's alcohol on you
- you drink all of wine or vodka by 8pm and panic cos you are too drunk to drive but not drunk enough to see out the rest of the night.
Big bottoms on the other hand are hard to gloss over but still vary in degree from person to person. Some big bottoms are HUGE life changing events, getting a DUI, losing your job because of your drinking, spouse leaves or throws you out, you hit or kill someone in your car. These are the extreme of bottoms but even then some people don't change.
I am talking big bottoms that become a catalyst for change and each of us will have our own individual line in the sand that once crossed somehow socks you between the eyes and you can no longer deny or hide behind excuses. Some bottoms I have read about and know from a few friends have been:
- thinking you were still able to drive and hitting a parked car but driving off cos no one had seen it
- falling down stairs and knocking yourself unconscious until next morning but then not going to hospital to check for concussion because they would know you'd been drunk cos of the smell
- falling over in the kitchen and breaking two front teeth as you hit the oven door
- driving to work with a colleague in the morning after 3 bottles of wine the night before - pulling over to puke pretending like nothing was wrong with it- only to have the colleague say they'd rather not car share with you again
- seeing a picture of yourself dancing with your top off (still with a bra) in a club with work people and not recalling any of it.
The shame of this all is it has been like this since November and I have been trying the odd few days here and there to get some days under my belt only to make it to day 4 and start again. I have even make some reckless proclamations "I feel like I never want to drink again" only to then drink 2 days later and abandon the blog. Truthfully, as I am sure we can all attest to, when we say those things we usually mean it. I make no such statement today except to say tomorrow is day 7 and I feel clearer than I have in a long time and that I have a better attitude than in the last 6 months. Needless to say my full disclosure posts sometimes can be toe curling in their honesty and sometimes I do regret over sharing but I am quite a warts and all kind of gal.
Thanks for all the lovely comments you left on my last few posts and sorry I didn't reply but it is the constant support given that helps us keep coming back when the alcohol fog clears and we feel once again ready to tackle the oh so fragile state of sobriety.