Thursday, 6 February 2020

Sad Times Ahead

This is a very short, very self indulgent, very sad post. BUT...... it’s just to explain my potential absence rather than milking sympathy.

I have a lovely 13 year old Springer Spaniel who has had 2 near death experiences this year (7 months actually)  which had added up to £2500 already.

Tuesday I came home from work and he was collapsed behind the front door and I literally had to keep opening the door on him to get him to move. When I got in he was shaking, barely able to breathe and looking like he was on his last breath. Quick trip to the vets (AGAIN) and I was told this was IT he was on his way out. X-rays found a cantaloupe sized tumour in his chest pressing on his heart causing the shortness of breath. Take him home tonight to say goodbye and bring him back tomorrow for the final deep sleep 😥

Palliative antibiotics, steroids, anti inflammatories etc and home to say goodbye.  Midnight he almost stopped breathing it was so shallow, 2am he wanted water and then begged for food. 8:30 next morning he was bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for a walk. SO CONFUSING!!!

The vet has said she has NEVER seen a recovery like it and has had to go back and check what she saw on X-rays but has come back and said she has no idea how he has rallied but he has. Make the most of it but be ready for him to go at any point.

I am living on raw nerves every moment wondering if he will be ok when I get home. So far so good and he is seemingly a happy chappy. This is now the 3rd time but this time I feel it is final and am just waiting for the sign it’s the end.  A girl at work said it’s always better a day too early than a day too late.  I can’t agree more but I am going to take it one day at a time.

Any pet lover out there will understand. I’m here maybe in mind but for a few days (cos I think that’s what it is) not in body.


Monday, 3 February 2020

Comments??? Is it me??

OK people I don’t know what to tell you...... I keep replying to your comments and they WILL NOT appear on my blog. As soon as I press publish they disappear. I have tried logging in and out, changing account, going in as a reader and nothing works. I’m going to have to research this a bit more unless someone else has had a similar thing happen. *Edit - replying to comments does seem to be an issue in the help pages and seems to be a new thing. Will try and follow the advise and see if it works.

Thank you for all of your comments recently, I do appreciate them and whilst I don’t always have the resolve to reply, I’m kinda bummed that tonight when I wanted to get around to it and do a new post, I can’t.

Tonight wasn’t easy, it wasn’t super hard either but I definitely got caught up in the shall I shan’t I and had to play it to the end. I also had to remind myself how long I have been embroiled in this weary battle and how one day I might have to hear the words “I’m sorry to have to tell you Miss Ginger but we have diagnosed you with .....(insert suitably grim diagnosis here)  Sadly that might happen anyway even if I never pick up another drink but to think that my lifestyle up until this point in time, both food and booze is shaping my future is terrifying.

What are we doing people?

I know I am not the only one stuck in this repetitive cycle, saying the same things every few weeks only to disappear yet again into the bottom of a bottle. I read 4 other blogs yesterday that read a very similar tale. I know that it is an addiction and when you are neck deep in it it both highlights how bad it is but also masks just how bad it is. Long term alcohol overuse (cos I know some of you don’t like the term alcoholic) shrouds us in a kind of amnesiac deja vu which at first seems like an oxymoron but actually perfectly describes the irrational thinking and storytelling heavy regular drinkers tell themselves and relay through their blogs. Me included and I am not pointing fingers. It is only when reading other people’s blogs and narratives that you think “Oh COME ON! You’ve been saying the same thing here for 5 years, just quit already and stay quit” then you suddenly catch yourself and realise their story is your story and everyone else who has stopped and stayed stopped must be thinking the same thing. That’s uncomfortable!

I don’t have a solution or a magic bullet or an epiphany moment for you. We are all working out our own garbage and trying our best when we have the momentary break in the clouds that lets a ray of sun through that reminds us it doesn’t need to be this painful Groundhog Day of regret, remorse, recovery, reminiscing and relapse. My only temporary solution would be to think all your morning thoughts at cravings o’clock cos in the morning, life is clear, I know there is a better way, I know today is the day and I am 100% certain that I am done with this monotonous soul destroying self destruction. I also feel like that from about 8pm onwards and right now drinking seems like the craziest idea ever but come 3pm tomorrow and I will once again dive deep into denial, temporary insanity, pathological lying and self deception with a good healthy dose of ‘what’s the point anyway’

*NB. Note to self, read this from 3pm onwards tomorrow.

It’s late, I’m rambling and I know sleep is going to be an extra layer of protection against those demons so I will leave it here. If you have stayed with me to the end, well done! What seem like great ideas in my head clash with the flow and don’t always translate.


Sunday, 2 February 2020

Sober Sunday

I certainly am not expecting a fanfare or parade but I will give myself a pat on the back for the first sober Sunday in FOREVER! Not that’s it’s been sunshine and roses, I’ve spent most of the weekend feeling flat, regretful and sad. There have been plenty of tears, plenty of moments of agony over so much wasted life and so many moments of wanting to throw in the towel and just drink.

I know since 1st Jan I haven’t strung more than 5 days together but.... I have had probably most weeks of Monday to Wednesday sober, some til Thursday and even once til Sunday. I can only say that that is a huge improvement on last January or any month since. I know it looks like I am consistently failing but I am also consistently trying which last year I wasn’t.

I have been very alone with my thoughts this weekend (and lonely if I’m being honest) but I woke up Saturday morning pretty positive I wasn’t going to drink and that I would just ride it out, which I did. Again this morning I wanted to not drink today and said I would REALLY try to fight the cravings which sometimes I don’t even bother to fight and by some grace it wasn’t too bad at all.

Teeny tiny baby steps I know but it feels like a small achievement.


Wednesday, 22 January 2020

Bullying Flashback but no booze

Planned on a longer post than this tonight but had a crazy day at work and within the last half hour heard some truly shocking news about a colleague. A close colleague was suspended (on a bogus charge) from work, pending an investigation. The accuser was a person who bullied me 5 years ago but got away with it.

BOOM! I was back in the mental drama and second hand trauma of everything that happened. I called her and said I would get involved if she needed, I spent the rest of the evening going through old paperwork from that time and the documented bullying that I foolishly agreed to not pursue further if they changed my manager. In hindsight I can see that that dreadful time in my life changed my life and changed me and actually for the better (I couldn’t see it at the time) but now I can see how I have really grown from it and become so much a better person than before. Drinking aside!

I went to go to the shop 3 times including getting redressed after putting on my jammies only to get downstairs and think ‘if I always give in at the first hurdle I’ll never make it’. The addict voice was very convincing but some wee small voice whispered ‘no one ever regrets NOT drinking’ I read that years ago and it stuck. Also I kinda played it forward and experienced myself, dehydrated in the night, unable to get back to sleep after I wake thirsty, tossing and turning the last few hours of the night desperate to fall back asleep, alarm goes off and the first flickers of dread trickle in and I think ‘why do I keep doing this to myself over and over’ and once again I have to try and shape myself into a fake sober person who worries away the first 5 hours of the day wondering if everyone can tell, smell, knows the shadowy secret I try and hide from the world.

I choose not to drink.

To sit it out in hand ringing misery that remarkably disappears once I have a herbal tea. A bizarre thought hits me ‘There, that wasn’t so bad was it’ and I nearly burst out laughing at how alien the voice sounded, shocked that it almost feels not part of me but of course knowing it must be the repressed adult sober voice that has been literally drowned out for the last 2.5 years.

Maybe I’ll let her do some more talking tomorrow night but for now today is all I have.


Monday, 20 January 2020

SPLAT!!!! Egg on my face

See...... I knew I’d have to come back with a confession again!!  Bugger, bugger, bugger.

It all started with an All Butter Palmiere from Marks and Spencers (M&S) For anyone who doesn’t what Marks and Spencers are, I suggest you google it as I would do them an injustice but basically a mid range clothing store that sells slightly higher end food. If you don’t know what a Palmiere is, well it’s a flaky buttery, sugary cookie in a kind of heart shape and M&S do a delicious version that has 74;000 calories. If I had eaten the damn cookie instead of resisting I MIGHT have not bought the bottle of vodka.

So there you have it, give in to your bodies cravings for anything other than booze, maybe not crack or heroin but certainly cookies or chips and the like.

Tonight is just a quick update on why I am sober tonight... FEAR plain and simple fear. The fear of the wheels coming off my life is ramping up and I can only deny to a certain point the writing on the wall. Actually I can’t deny it I just choose to cover my eyes and do anything but look at it but the writing on the wall is now in neon and has that annoying neon hum to remind me it’s still there even if I am not looking at it. I won’t go into the details but two things today left me fearful and terrified my life was unraveling, luckily it wasn’t but I sat on the verge of panic with mounting paranoia for a few hours at work. Also a colleague made an off the cuff comment about ‘I suppose you’ve been on the vodka all weekend?’ which in hindsight fits in with all the jokey reference to booze that goes on in the office all the time. Like those pathetic alcohol memes and mugs, coasters, cards etc that make drinking seem necessary and inevitable to our continued existence. I hate alcohol even though I rules my life. Anyway, that comment threw me because it’s true but did she know it’s true or was it just a joke, she’s friend with one girl who does know and they might have discussed me on a night out, drunk themselves. I’ll probably never know but it added to my rising fear, panic and paranoia and gave me the extra oomph not to drink tonight.

Not sure if anyone else signed up for OneCommune/recovery with Russell Brand but it’s very good. It too is helping.

Just going to keep going back to the ODAT and today was one day.

TWTIK and Hurrah, so sorry for not responding to your comments, I know you knew why but now you have confirmation.

Ginger out!

Saturday, 4 January 2020

Tough Day

Well I managed to stay busy and distracted all day and kept thinking of how I would feel tomorrow. I honestly can say it was a tough day but I made it, this must be the first time in ages I have had to actually fight the craving as normally I give in almost as soon as it hits.

Unfortunately I was trapped in the house today as I daren't leave and go near a store. Tomorrow I am going to have to get out early as I was tidying up and putting the Christmas decorations away and then all of a sudden it was too late as the cravings were kicking in.

The good news is I slept like a baby last night and think it might have stood me in good stead for fighting the cravings today. I’m watching Independence Day Resurgence as I don’t have to think about it and it’s keeping my mind semi occupied.

Tomorrow is another day but this one has been a success in my mind and I got LOADS done in an attempt to just keep busy, so another bonus.


Friday, 3 January 2020

Early Friday Night

Weird tiring day today. Got wind of a 'massive' company announcement due on Monday and no one knows what it's about except my mate in the communications department and he has been sworn to secrecy, said he can't even hint to me what it's about. Poor guy, I drove him mad all day coming up with various conspiracy themes and my 2 + 2 =5 hare brained ideas. He did say that I had come close in one. So I think we are being bought out by a neighbouring company and our board are stepping down, only Monday will tell.

Long and the short of it, I deliberated stopping at the store all the way home and all through the dog walk but persuaded myself to go home, eat something, drink something, watch one to show and then think again. By the time I had done that I had come to the conclusion that waking up stone cold sober on a Saturday morning was worth more than 2 hours of enjoyment, 2 hours of numb and god knows how many hours passed out on the sofa with the tv still on.

Cannot remember the last time I woke on a Saturday morning booze free. I am pretty sure tomorrow could be anything from a day filled with drinking thinking table tennis to a tearing my hair out pacing the floors arguing with myself. I reckon I'll have to get out to the grocery store pdq in the morning when the sober head is in complete control. By about 3-4pm the lying, cheating deceiving and oh so convincing voices kick in and by 5 pm I'm positive that I don't have that much of a problem and tonight will be the last night ( by my count there have been about 7000+ last nights) and I'll start fresh tomorrow.

MADNESS, COMPLETE MADNESSES, yet so many of us choose/allow/believe that to be true for long enough to dash out and buy a bottle of poison. Anyway I resisted that urge tonight and I'll take that for now.